Life is not always fair. Or logical. Or pretty and nice.
This is my personal outlet for emotions that might otherwise be unleashed in an inappropriate manner.
Let it be known that "the BG" is my girlfriend whom I adore...the BabeGoddess, regardless of what I might be bitching about at any given moment within the walls of my blog.
"People can keep a journal to record their life, their thoughts, their happiness, the events of their families,
etc. They can also keep a journal of creative observations, their hopes, their ideas and dreams, as Leonardo da Vinci
did. He always had a notebook hanging from his belt to record his observations. I have one constantly in my
pocket and on my night table. We must be the source of good ideas and dreams for a better world. We are part of
evolution." -- ROBERT MULLER
"The defining characteristic of the literary vocation may be that those who
possess it experience the exercise of their craft as its own best reward, much superior to anything they might gain
from the fruits of their labors." from Letters to a Young Novelist by Mario Vargas Llosa
"The irony of life is not that you cannot forget but that you can." --Gertrude Atherton, 'Can Women Be Gentlemen'
Wednesday, July 31, 2002
i forgot to mention in the earlier post that grupo fantasma is on their way to a mini east coast tour...check their site to see if they will be in or near your city...
a regular size bag of peanut m&m's is 6 points...i have been disciplined at keeping my snacky crap to 3 point snacks so i can have 12 of them...and maybe have the other 12 as a snack in an hour...or so...or less...righto, they are gone already...
this evening, the BG and i are going to fitzgerald's here in houston to hear grupofantasma...they are a group i first heard on kpft and i had to find their cd right away...it is a mix of tejano, latino, carribean...i am really not sure where they fall genre wise, i just know they make me want to get up and shake my ass...
if you click on the link to buy their cd from their website, there is another link there to listen to tracks from the cd...entire tracks!!
we went to ausin to the rolling thunder democracy tour, whatever it was called, and saw them there and that is where i got the cd...it is simply some excellent jamming music...not typical of what i listen to, but hey, i like it!!
i have never been to fitzgeralds, but i have a few points stashed away for some beers, plus if i am up dancing/sweating, well i can earn a few beers more!! check them out!!!
good morning...while i am more awake this morning that i was yesterday, i woke up with a kink or knot between my shoulderblades...i have recurring lower back pain that is very transient since the epidural i had when my oldest son was born, but my achiness in general has lessened since i have begun losing weight...amazing what 10 pounds will do...
this kink in my back feels exactly like the lower back pain, just higher up...when i get that, it all locks up and i have trouble moving at all and usually end up in bed for a few days...nothing helps but time really...i think it will be less frequent as the weight continues to fall, but this one today is sooooooooooo icky...
on another note, i had the ickiest of thoughts creep into my head about a coworker...thinking in a totally inappropriate manner...not something i want to visualize, but i can not help myself...it is a case of tmi, but once you have the information, how do you get rid of it?
ok, i'll tell...i think the dragon lady has had her tits done...t...m...i...
what a morning it was...the alarm went off and the BG turned it off and i went right back to sleep...there was a need about half an hour later to get up and pee, which i did...then i went to the phone, called my boss, and left him a voice mail about the appointment i had this morning telling him i would be in a bit late, but likely by 11...and then i promptly went back to bed...and here i am , and was in before 10...woo...
it would be nice if i could wake when my body wants to, and then come in and work my 8 hours...if there is not raise in january, perhaps i will ask for this in lieu of that...actually, i have given that a great deal of thought, and in lieu of a raise, if necessary, i would like to work 5 hours less each week...i think it is something he would go for if i make it clear my work will still get done...but would i want 9-4, or 8-3...perhaps he will leave that to my discretion...
damn...today is the 29th...i was thinking that it was tomorrow...it is my mom's 70th birthday and i was going to get her a gift card and fedex it this afternoon...what a slacker i am...
my relationship with my other can best be described as tenuous...i think...i have never felt that closeness with my parents that one expects...i attribute this to them being older whan they had me, not that it would be considered old today, but 37 years ago, you were old if you were having a child at 33 (and 38 for my dad)...i think i was about 27 or 28 when i first consciously told my mom "i love you" as i was ending a phone conversation...it was not that i did not love her before that point, but it was not something either of us ever expressed in words...
i can remember clearly back to when we moved from new jersey to new york, i was nearly 11...it hadn't happened in at least that ling...and i am pretty sure it was not a normal occurrence back annother 5 years or so...before the age of six it gets a little fuzzier...
i am still in the 85% bracken in my gladness that they do not live locally...i do, however, wsh i could visit them more...i have not seen either of them in about 3 years...they are still married, but my mom goes to stay with her sister who is quite ill for months ata time...i am glad for this because both she and my father are so much happier when living apart, but not glad, of course, that my aunt is so ill...i might try to take a week this fall and hit both places...i can fly to my aunts, and then drive up to my parents' from there...now that my youngest is staying at his father's, this might actually happen...i hate the thought that it could conceivably be the last time i see either of them, or worse that it might not be soon enough...
another monday morning...i have decided that i will not be bringing anymore of that evil blue bell birthday cake ice cream into the house...it is evil...portion control went out the window and i went over about 10 points on both saturday and sunday...not gonna beat myself up any more than that, but i think my future 10 pound rewards should be something other than food...maybe a new book...
on another note, i seem to be on the verge of coming undone...in a good way...like a bottle of fine champagne as the cork is released, i feel imminent effervescing just waiting to flow out after the pop...i have not felt this brimming sensation for quite some time and it makes me anxious for the turn of the tide...
in part, i think brigit's decision to resurface has made an impact...i led her to blogging and she is listed on my daily as next45...i feel as if the student was switching roles with the teacher as she is the one who helped me with my first webpage and also tutored me on the ways and potential evils of the net...we were chatting saturday for a few hours and i was cracking up here and there...it is so nice to have her back...
i suppose i should go attack the work i have waiting for me, but it is so little i am afraid of getting it finished too soon...maybe i will work on some more annex pages today and on figuring out some more 1 point treats for the point closet...
i put one of my writing books beside the bed with a pen last night and when i woke this morning i actually wrote 6 pages...i used to do this all the time and have not in a long while...i find the key to capturing these morning thoughts is doing it instantly before even getting up to pee and before putting my classes on...makes it a bit difficult to transcribe at times, but it offers terrific insight into those fleeting morning dreams...
the pen that i put there was crappy, or maybe had just not been used in a while...i am anxious to get quark loaded back on this machine so i can get back to work on the book...i think it is one of the few programs that has not yet been reinstalled...i will have to reming the BG to bring it home tomorrw from work...alos need adobe from ther i think, and front page maybe...of course without all those it is easy to not bring any work home, but i might be firmly into that habit already...
artemis asks the secret...i think the likely truth of the weight watchers secret is that i have a lot more to lose than she does...the more overweight you are, the more you can expect to lose each week...regardless, i can only tell you what works for me...
i get 29-34 points a day based on my starting weight and i can honestly say that makes it very easy...most days i am eating 2 chocolate creme oreos in the eveningjust to hit my minimum points range, which is essential in my understanding of the plan...if you do not hit your daily minimum, your body thinks it is not getting enough nutrition and it begins storing fat...
for the past year or so, i have been eating the right foods as far as watching fats and carbs, but the key to the plan is portion control...we are currently without a kitchen as we are in the middle of rennovations...this means eating out a lot...what has helped me eating out is knowing that in general, a serving of protein is about the size of a deck of cards...and unless your hands are exceptionally small, a side item (like pasta or potatoes)
should be about the size of your fist, unless it is a veggie that is zero points...
i now have the control to seperate the portion before i eat anything and put it in a doggie bag to bring home either for my lunch the next day or for my son to consume...before i found this discipline, i would ask that the doggie bag be brought to the table when my meal comes...i would put half of everything in it and then enjoy my meal knowing that there is more i the bag if i truly want more...another thing i sometimes need to do, especially when i am not taking the leftovers home, is to ask that my plate be removed as soon as i am done eating...this way i will not pick on what is left, even though i know i am done...if it was really good, and we are restaurant grrls, so it is always really good, i will pick at what is left til i am stuffed...
salad and zero point foods are essential when you have less points to work with...
i also eat all the foods i love, but i have figured out what the serving size needs to be for it to be 3 points or less...some are listed in the points closet linked on my side bar and i have a new list of more to add soon...i am still refining some candies i like so i know what 1 point of them is...
i bring my point books with me even to the finest restaurants...
and i indulge in a special treat, responsibly, at 10 pound intervals...the treat yesterday was all suzy of queer poet's fault...i went out and bought a half gallon of blue bell birthday cake ice cream...was it available in a pint?? noooooooooooo...a half cup is 5 points, but there is so much in, it does not need anything on it...and as promised, it is tres yummy...i had a huge salad for lunch yesterday that had a half avocado in it...the dressing i like is silver palate brand garlic balsamico and i used a point of that, 2 tbs if i remember...so i had a 3 point meal and i had a cup of the icecream last night in the evening...a 10 point wad all at once...but i was within my daily total at the end of the day...
be brutally honest with your points and err on the over side if you are not sure about something...
and i refuse to exercise until i hit a serious plateau...don't like it...period...
i am liking friday's...not only is it the end of the work week, it is ww meeting day and weigh-in...of course i can appreciate the flip side of this particular coin...when i dread a friday, my blog therapy will be raging...
i was -2.2 which brings my net loss up to -10.4...applause for me and another star...woohoo...
i was actually awake this morning when the alarm went off...this means i am due a period of quasi-insomnia...in my case about 2 weeks of 4 hours a night sleep...i suppose the up side of this is i get a lot of work on my book done while i am online til 2 am...that, and the fact that i still function normally on just 4 hours...this is then followed bu about 3-4 weeks of 6 hours and then a week where i cannot seem to get enough sleep that usually coincides with my period...
the latter makes me think it is somehow hormonal, but i also wonder lately if it is not a mild issue of being bipolar...of course that leads me to wondering if bipolar can be so mild, and when i research i find it is something very prevalent in the lesbian community...
i have been on lists for bipolar lesbians and they make me feel that i am not at all bipolar, or so little affected i certainly do not belong on such a list...
the BG would say yes, it is hormonal and 'the change' is hitting me early as cosmic retribution for kidding her about being older than me...
i forgot to mention this earlier...last night in discussion over a few beers and a a few games of pool, the BG said she looks forward to the day when i , as a writer, am supporting us in our accustomed manner...now, i am not sure how serious she was in this thought because it was after a few glasses of wine and a few shiner's...but that she said it at all means there is a minimal speck of genuine somewhere within the thought...i think it is maybe the most supportive thing she has ever verbalized to me about anything...i liked it...it was nice...and really...it's all good...
as an example, i have worked collectively and directly with a minimum of 80 hairdressers...more i have over looked i am sure...of those, there have been 2 that i consistently got a good harcut from...that, in a licensed industry, imho, is pretty pathetic...lets now factor in the hundreds of stylists i have mentored as an educator...in that group i think there is considerably more talent, and yes, a few potential hair artists...of those i have worked with directly in the salon for extended periods of time, i would say maybe one other was truly a hair artist, but actually hated the work...actually i think it is more truthful to say she hated the salary...
a true hair artist is undervalued...plenty out there are adequate, which to a lot of people transltes to good...i suppose this is another aspect in my decision to retire...anyone who has sat in my chair will vouch that i am not full of myself...my confidence in this arena is genuine...
getting a late start on making an entry today...with each day that passes, with little to do at work, i realize a little more how tedious this job is...the salary far outweighs the tedium, at this point, but it is nevertheless, tedious...
i wonder if it is that it is tedious, or if it is that it has no creative component...i retired in november from a creative career i loved, was extremely passionate about, and was exceptionally skilled at...i was a hair dresser for 19 years...i was a hair artist more than half of that time and it is difficult to pinpoint the moment of distinction precisely...i got to the point, however, where i felt it time to work smarter, not harder...the final concession to retirement was my youngest son moving back here and needing more of my attention than i could offer if i maintained salon hours...
it is bizarre that i do not specifically miss or crave the salon activity...i miss a few of the people i have worked with over the years, i miss a few of the clients i have had to surrender to someone less skilled than i when life choices required a move...i do not, however, miss working 10 hour days, evenings, and weekends...i do not miss screaming children running around the salon...i do not miss chemical smells and allergy aggravation from them...i do not miss same chemicals ruining clothes i adore...and i do not miss the backache that comes with the entire package...
i look at my improving financial picture and i know that making nearly twice the money and doing half the work was a good decision...i am, of course, still a hair artist...but now that i have settled into the groove of a new career, my son is not returning, and things morph a little once again...
i have been offered space in a salon, as little or as much time as i would like, and i am far too ambivalent to take this offer...i have been considering instead, perhaps a part time stint with barnes and noble...the discount alone is enticement enough for the book whore i am, but i also think it would be a nice supplement to the vacation fund for our luxury excursion next year to huatulco, mexico...more consideration is necessary...
wooooooooooooooooooooohooooooooooooooo...sugar rush...i just had a one inch slice of biirthday cake...as near as i can figure, 7 points worth...worth it? fuck, yeah...
i do not think i have had anything that sweet sinct the last office birthday...yummy, yummy, yummy i got love in my tummy...
so my blase movie was in preparation for the discussion i had via the phone with my youngest son...as i had concern, he wants to stay at his dad's...it sucks that i am powerless to do anything about this, even though i know deep down, he is better suited to life with dad, his dad has repeatedly proven himself less than reliable...as i am sure i have said here before, he is, in his heart, a good father...but in practice, he falls short again and again...
i must remind myself it is i that chose to move away when i did, knowing this was a potential consequence of that decision...also, i admit i am somewhat relieved he has made this decision...it is mostly a matter of getting into the groove of accepting that it is his choice...maybe i will request a daily email, in addition to the wednesday and sunday phone calls...maybe i should demand rather than request...i will have to consider it all over the next week or so and try to reason out how i really feel about all this...
i need to be better about updating the recent reads page in a timely fashion...i just did the update for the book i finished 2 days ago...that is somehow more difficult for me now that i am halfway through the next book...
the BG was just out to see me at my desk about something, and i had suzy's blog open on my monitor...i surf the ring throughout the day as i usually have time and it is much nicer surfing it on a T1 line than on dial-up...anyway, the BG told me, laughing, how bad i was to have that up there...she was cracking up, and i think maybe just a little envious of my daring bravado...ummm...so big fucking deal, it says 'queer' in big bold letters for anyone looking over my shoulder to see...
well, i am in the reception area and there is a huge internal window/counter over my shoulder, yes...but it is not like i am ion the closet or anything...again i have to surmise...bfd...
what a blase movie i am in today...i suppose at the root of it is the monotony of this job...i do not dislike it really, there is just no challenge here...i suppose it could be poiinted out there is a certain challenge to maintaining the illusion of being busy...where else am i going to find a job that pays as well where i can blog all day if i choose to, or surf, or whatever...even the moments where i am at a peak business are only about 60% on a working at capacity scale...
from the gift of hindsight, i know i have had 2 great loves...the first i have written of here before and her name is jan...the second is, of course, the BG...
if i consider my feelings at the time of involvement, i would say i have had 5...the first of these was michael...i was 16 and i met him when his family was in summer residence at our campground...it was a summer romance that lasted 2 years...we saw each other a lot during our seasonal months, may through october, and maybe 4 or 5 times in the offseason with the generous assistance of friends that would transport one or the other of us the 2 hours from wilmington, ny, where i lived, to montreal, where he lived...although i was not, at this point a virgin, my relationship with michael was without sex...a lot of nearly-all-the-way moments, but it was a relationship of innocence in so many ways...i think mainly, we were both too afraid of my father...
the second time i thought i was in love would be with duffer...he is my ldest son's father...a good person, though not an ambitious bone in his body...where he fell short of abusing or being addicted to any one substance, if you had something and offered to share or sell some, he would be a willing partaker...we were together 3 years, and him being on acid was certainly reason enough to propell my ass out the door with my 3 month old...it was just too weird hearing about a goat with the head of ronald wilson reagan (6-6-6 letters in that name) trapped in the closet...i think it was about 4 days before he even realized we were gone...
somewhere during my sentence with duffer, i met jan...she and i shared a mutual best friend who is lesbian...neither of us thought anything of our growing attraction as our friendship developed...it was after i left duffer that i realized i was in love with her and it is too involved to explain here, but it was definitely mutual...we might be in guiness for longevity of a non-consumated relationship...i was in love with her for 13 years...she overlapped my marriage, however indirectly...
in 1987, i moved from ny to va because i realized i would never have a fulfilling relationship with jan...soon, after moving i met my wasband...though i never stopped loving jan, i do think at the time, the man he was then, i was in love with him too...he and i were together, married living happily ever after, for 7 years and then the spiral downward began...
shortly after rock bottom, i met brigit...at the time, yes i thought i was in love with her...she was a spiritual rebirth of sorts for me...where i know i have love for her, love her, respect her, am thankful she is in my life, i think i was more in love with the idea of being in love or in love with being in a lesbian relationship of substance...
the BG is my second chance at being in love...after 4 years together i know this...it is cemented in my brain, heart, and soul and it just *is*...i have written for her a mountain, and will write a mountain more...
i think there are other loves i have had, but not been in, but really i must get back to looking as if i have some work to do...
i thought about going to the waterwall yesterday to sit and read and write and maybe with an impromptu picnic lunch from eatzi's...it was too hot for that, but we did go to eatzi's and eat there...i was good with my points in the morning because i thought eatzi's would be points overkill...i ended up only having 6 points from them...
the book says a 3 inch crabcake is 2 points...well, this was a 3 inch crabcake i had, but i am not sure if it was only 2.5 oz so i counted it as 4 points...it came with a tablespoon of a faboulous remoulade so i consider that within the 4 pts as i only ate half the sauce...it was wonderful...i also let myself indulge in the shrimp they had cooked and iced...i had 3 of these, another point, and the barest amount of cocktail sauce because they make everything there fresh and fresh horseradish just kicks my ass but it is too yummy to pass altogether...i then went to the custom salad preparer and had him toss me mixed greens, avocado, feta, and balsamic vinagrette...i know how generous they are with ingredients so i asked for a tbs only of the cheese and 2 tbs of dressing, another point making my total 6 points...
this is a gourmet market in the finest european of traditions...all the food is chef prepared...they have 70some chefs and then a kajillion other employees to serve you...you can get stuff prepared in the grill at no extra fee, and there is also fruits, breads, desserts to die for, which thankfully i was too full for...wines, flowers and a lot of imported little goodies as well as a custom sandwich bar and cheese case...
another thing i managed to steer clear of is all the samples they have around...you could tour the market and eat your daily points by way of breads and dips and cheeses they have out...anyone that has been to the main dean & deluca in nyc knows what eatzi's is all about...i could go on about all the favorite things i could have there for much longer than anyone would be interested in...tres yummy sums it up...
when the lottery goddess decides to smile on me, it will definitely be a daily fixture in my life...
what a lovely day it was today...the BG came in after washing her car bitching about how hot it was and warning me that i would be sweating my ass off when i washed mine...of course i couldn't resist reminding her how rarely i sweat...she proceeded to tell me there was no way i would be sweat-free after washing the car...
she then left to go on a run to target(french pronunciation, please) and i went out to wash my car...i have to tell you, she was right...it was hot as shit outside at 1 pm in Houston today...but...i was right too...i did not sweat...after i washed the car i looked down and saw how nasty my hairy legs looked when they are wet...
this led me into the house in search of the razor...it has actually been unpacked, but i have not shaved my legs since before the move which was about 8 weeks ago...up until a week or so ago, there has been no sink in the house...and the shower we can use is like a coffin...you can turn arouund in it and take a functional shower, but it is impossible to shave your legs in there...mine are not so terribly hairy and i can get away with once a week...but it had been entirely too long...i was looking so european...
i took the razor and the shampoo out to the driveway where the hose still was, put my foot up on the bumper of the art car, and proceeded to shave away...it took a new blade for each leg...~~shudder~~...so now i am ready to hit galveston in the morning...
after that, the BG arrived home and i was in the coffin...she said, Oh, trying to wash off the sweat before i got back, huh?"
i looked her deadpan serious, and told her i had not sweat...she knows i cannot keep a straight face if i am not telling the complete truth...she walked away mumbling something about my bitch quotient...in a loving way, of course...
we then went to cafe artiste where i had a mexican pepsi...5 points well worth it tyvm...i also had the spanish eggs...17 points more...
then we went to slick willies to shoot some pool...so here we are doing a remotely calm activity...i was sweating...that is really a good thing, however ironic, because i got the pointsbooster this week and i whipped it out to learn that the length of time, plus the fact that i was sweating meaning it was considered a moderate activity, plus my current weight all came together to mean that the 3 light beers i had were negated by the boosted points...drink six points, sweat a little to earn 6 points...that means i did not go over...i was still under my maximum anyway, but i prefer to use my minimum...
it is working, i suppose that is all that matters...
after shooting pool we went to ikea and bought the closet piece we decided on...we foolishly thought we could survive without closets and gutted them all te reclaim space with the renovations...well dammit...i need a closet...having one that is moveable is nice so the compromise is in effect...tomorrow i might even put it together...my son will be glad to get my dresses out of his room...he is the only one that still has a closet and it is small...but i told him it was mine until we figured out what we were doing about one for our room...
i should clarify about the closet thing...initially, when the closets were ripped out, we were going to use one of the other bedrooms as a tricked out closet...the whole 8x10 room as a walk in closet...well, then my youngest spoke up and said he wanted to come back to live with me...so he did, and we are suddenly closetless...it's all good...thanks, ikea...
alright...i tweaked the color a little bit and i like it better, though it is still not quite what i want...maybe if i can find more colors to choose from than on the web monkey guide...
well i decided to put the library page up even though it is not done yet...i am not too pleased with that color...it is too puke looking or something...sorta hot-dogs/ketchup/milkshake puke, specifically...tmi, huh...
alright...so i am not at the beach...i was up early enough to go, but just did not get out of bed til about 15 minutes ago...i suppose i should make it a priority for tomorrow morning...
a comment on my last entry suggests this blog as cultivating a secret...i suppose i disagree with that on the initial thought as i do not feel it is necessarily something to hide...as i have stated before it is my therapy and i take it most seriously from that point of view...if my parents were to find it i do not think they would recognize it as me simply because they are far removed from my daily life...they have met the BG but it was when i first moved hereand they saw my move as a fresh start...i do not think that they had a clue that it might mean their daughter was a lesbian all of a sudden...but who knows...now, i think they know, though i have not come out to them officially, but i believe they would rather not have this confirmed...they see i am happy and that their grandsons are happy and that is what matters to them...
as for my boss finding it, that would be because the dragon lady is a vindictive bitch and she went looking for it...if it came down to it, i can find another job...i like where i work, i get along with everyone in spite of not liking everyone, i mean c'mmon, they are coworkers, period...i have a very generous boss who i like working for and i think when it comes down to it, i get my work done and i do not rock the boat and he knows this...
if the BG were to discover this blog it would be either on purpose because she looked or by accident because she surfs...i would hope that she would read it thoroughly and understand that there are many reasons i cannot or do not wish to share a lot of the emotions vented here...from the writing style alone she would know it was my blog and from the content she would have confirmation if she had any doubt...
i do not nor will i ever use this 'hidden' identity to cruise chicks or anything remotely related to looking outside of the relationship i am in...of all the things i have that i am thankful for in my new life with her, i do not have a true confidante...i do, in the BG, have a 95% confessor...but there are things i cannot vocalize to her, that left unchecked would spiral me into a deep depression...i have been there once and learned form it...it is a lot of little piddly crap issues that i just cannot carry around unchecked...a lot of these things are relationship issues that i have unreasonable (yes, i know they are unreasonable, yet they remain regardless of this knowledge) insecurities about so i do not bring them up...i feel they all change in timeinto either non-issues, or bigger issues...once something is a bigger issue i can bring it up for discussion...small method in my madness i suppose...
noone who knows us, as a couple, or even me, or the BG as an individual, in our daily world of real life has been made privy to this blog...it is i suppose in that vein a secret...maybe we all need at least one...
i think i am going to get up in the morning and head to galveston for a few solo hours to recharge...if it is nice out...and if i am up by 8...then i can be there by 9ish and enjoy the too-early-to-be-crowdedness of it all...i think then i will hit subway for lunch, or maybe explore for something a little more adventurous...then be home by two or so unless, of course, my adventure distracts me and i find something good...
the last time i went down there was in september and the cutest little lifeguard invited herself to join me for lunch...she was a shameless flirt...
artemis said...>>
ah, the secret society of not-so-busy-women. I, too, am floating through the day trying to drag each task out, so nobody will realize I really have nothing to do today.
HaHa.<<
when they make tomb raider II, lara croft will definitely be dealing with me as her rival!!
woohoooo..._3...let me do the fancy dance...hmmmthat might even buy me some points if i do it long enough...this makes my net loss 8.2...i like it, i like it...
well i think it will be a light work day today...my desk is pretty clear with a few small projects to do to free up my time, but in general it will be a light day...i like that...i have two magazines i have to set up ad tracking for, one is 72 pages and i think if i was consistent i could get it done today...the other is a huge issue this month, 140 pages...it will drag on forever...might take a week or so...if i wanted to maximize my potential, i think i could actually do both of them today, but that would be setting a dangerous precedent...besides, it will give me something to do next week so i look busy once the boss is back...my office is in the reception area, so it is open to all traipsing through...of course most of my coworkers are not quite sure what i actually do so they aways think i am busy...hah...
another day of mailer crap...i do not care to be stuffing any more envelopes anytime soon...with luck, i will not have to do it again for a month...it is mindless enough, but much preferred when it comes in smaller batches...an hour here or there...not 3 days of it!!
invariably, the dragon lady will come out of her den and teel me she 'forgot all about...' and there will likely be some hidden mailer i am given as i am just so damn efficient...
of course, i do have to give this job its props, as it beats working my ass off as a hair artist, though that is a career i have loved...the perk of retiring from it after 10 years is that i can still be active and maintain select clients at home that i actually like...and it is now the gravy on top...working smarter not harder...
so...yesterday afternoon, the BG says to me, "i'm so glad you are finally in a better mood" which just made me crack up...my efforts to convince her i was never in a foul mood were futile...i suppose the lesson here is to just tell her she is in a mood again the next time this happens...
we went to see "The Fast Runner" last night on a free pass...it was so looooooooong...but enjoyable...it was like a soap opera how these families/tribes interacted...long enough to be ready to leave about halfway through, yet strangely compelling to stay...
i get the free passes from the theater's email list...when i get one, we have to go early and exchange it for a ticket, and we go early enough to eat dinner near the theater...there is a cafe next door that has some good choices, and some not so good choices...all are delicious, of course, but some are not very wise in terms of points...last nigh, i managed to stay right at my point goal, but decided i wanted some dessert...everything they had looked terribly heavy, so the BG suggested we go over to Birra Poretti's as they have a nice light(not calorie light, i am sure) chocolate mousse we like...i had about 4 oz of the 6 oz serving, and have not even looked to see how many points that might be...might not be as bad as i think, but i did not need dessert...it was aunt flo inspired...
while having dessert, we also discovered that they put out pizza for happy hour...so next time we can go have a free meal to go with our free movie!! their pizza is very good too...
well as soon as i put it out there, recognize the cold, it is off again...on again off again is what it has been doing the past few days...i suppose if i really examine the past few months i might see this as so, and certainly if i dig deeper and include ther areas, off/on is a bit of a recurring theme...though our relationship has never been offagain, on again...as must as it might not seem so, it is a stable entity that survives with ease, if not always thriving...
i came in to a voice mail this morning that the boss is out of the office until monday...woohoo...not that i haven't a lot to do, but everyone is just a little more relaxed than normal when he is out, and the dragon lady will have no need for the trifling posturing that she is so prone to...
i wish i could figure out what i have done to merit the cold shoulder...could be discovery of this blog...i suppose that is the most obvious, however there is nothing that would be a revelation so shosking to the BG...and she would put it right out there i think...could be discovery that i got an email from an ex after long time no hear...of course either of those mean the BG has been snooping...not an appealing thought at all...i rather prefer thinking it is just a mood...no direct cause, but rather a bunch of piddly crap all tied up in a bundle equaling this mood she is in...the past few days i have tried to just steer clear and let her 'be'...maybe it's working...time will tell...
omigod...i opened this window at 745 this morning and now i do not have a clue what i had to say...i just got through invoicing 2 of or magazines...they usually do not come in the same day and what a pain...i have been doing that the last 6 hours...usually it is about a 2 hour job for each, but one was a special issue...special my ass...
one more thing...after going through the ring today and after all the drama of having to fix by blog, i saw it is more common to have entries chronologically reversed within days...so i flipped mine...toodles...
i know i already said good night, sorta...i was able to retrieve the piece i started about brigit about 4 years ago...it seems fitting that since she has chosen now to resurface and contact me, that it be the first piece i share here in my new side bar link for work in progress ...i feel that piece is very incomplete and i am not at all pleased with the ending, but it is, after all, a work in progress...good night ladies...
i think everything is as close to being back to normal as i might get it...the main exception being that comments made prior to today are gone...lost forever in the abyss of clicks-on-the-wrong-button...
the good news is that things feel like they mmight be on an upswing in persephone land...not really something i can grasp enough to explain as of yet...each issue on its own still feels rather stagnant and unnourished...but as a whole i feel better...more later, perhaps...
i think i might just wait on attempting further changes...might be blogger having difficulties as well because i keep getting server not found messages when i try to view the changes i have mead...colors are not quite right, comments are history, but re-established...what a pain in the ass...oh, no i forgot...it is a necessary purge/cleansing...hmmmmmmmmmmmmm...
i wish i could know whose blog is missing off my daily reads...i think i found all the ones that are dykewrite members...this is so aggravating...not something i had considered when the puter crashed, losing favorites, losing my address book...and then to have to reset the template and lose all my links here, i am really annoyed...
i am not sure about thiis error 503...i am getting it again and it is not going away, but someone at the discuss board said try to post anyway and see what happens...here goes...
what a pain in the ass it is when you can't connect to the net...we had a hellacious storm saturday night and our phone line has been out since then...the repair is scheduled for today...the ms office pk has been installed at least, so i know my discs are ok...that is a relief, but then i could not do anything about it. i decided to use the time to tidy up a bit and to work on some revisions on a section of my book...while doing that it occurred to me that i have not had any of my writing posted here, so i will throw up a link in the annex list and think about sharing that way...more later...
gggggggggggggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...i cannot access my book list on disc either...i will ask the BG to install the office tools pak, i think that is what it is called...i am pretty sure this is why i cannot read my files on disc...word, etc has not been reinstalled yet...deep cleansing breath...2...3...4...hold...2...3...4...exhale...2...3...4...
it's all good...my files will be there...ok, cross your fingers for me anyway, please...
good morning...i have been working on some new pages to add as links because i cannot figure out how to add boxes to this template, which i know is sort of the point of using a template...so i have created Persephone's Annex over at geocities...le's see if i can manage to get the links to work right...
how weird is it that being friends with exes is a ring topic of the moment, and the first email i get when the computer is fixed is from my ex who i have not heard from in like forever...she is an ex of a little more than 4 years ago...
i was going to insert a piece i wrote about her that was saved on a zip disc...but when i opened the file all i see is coded text...not that i ever encrypted this disc...it was written in 'word pad' and if this whole disc is unavailable, i will have to cry...for real...i was not upset over losing the hard drive to reformatting because i knew all my writing was on this disc...i am hoping that it is because the program needed to read it has not yet been reinstalled...of course, *i* am not going to be the one installing anything...
i will have to take the disc in to work tomorrow and see that everything is in tact...i know in my head that it is not corrupt on the disc, but i will be dwelling about it until i check...
brigit is my most recent ex...the time we shared together was so crucial to the person i am today...i wonder if she realizes the impact of it all...more of this later...now, the pillow is calling...maybe...
can't believe i forgot to report on my weigh -in...i was +1...more i think due to the occasional liberty taken with my yummy little buddies, choc creme oreos, than anything else...i will just have to be a little more accountable to my tracking of this now...i still have a net of -5.2 so i won;t be killing myself over it...
could be the problem on the home computer is fixed...the BG has reinstalled everything and is in the process of repartitioning the hard drive, making c bigger, and installing programs on d as i understand it...the trouble at the moment is that it will not let her format a drive with our remaining 24 gig of space...she is on a mission...
dell told her 'we don't really do that, it is through ms...'
'yes,' she said,'you do because you installed it before you shipped it to me in the first place..."
sigh, oh the drama i hhave created...at least it has been a dollar free fix...i will never install anything else again...ever...this is my solemn vow...
why is it that when i acknowledge something and account for it honnestly, such as the aforementioned jr. bacon cheeseburger, it weighs in my stomache like i actually ate 5 of them rather than one? i know it is likely because of the grease, something i have been short on in recent memory...
so i did not make the *best* choice for my lunch, but i do have the points to play with and i was jonesing for it...i had a wendy's jr. bacon cheeseburger...the lettuce was so crisp...the tomato was actually perfectly ripe...the combination oc the beef, bacon, and cheese was exquisite...and i took my time eating it so it was filling and oh, so satisfying...
i was going to conduct an experiment to see exactly how many fries are one point, but i will save that for next time as i want to save my remaining points for dinner...i am going out with friends and i do not yet knnow where so i want some flexibility...
i need to figure out how many points a margarita is...
the BG has gathered some info from the net and spoken to her wasband about the nt drama/fiasco...he is a computer guy and should be able to help...if nothing else, he has said he will come over when he gets back from vaca next week and switch us over to 2000...he said it is likely that we are having trouble because the video driver is not reading something and that it should fix...beyond my ability...way beyond...
it is so nice if you can learn one lesson of value each day...or at least once in a while...well, yesterday i learned a big lesson...i might even think it is a big enough lesson that it is my lesson-o-day for each day this week...or at the very minimum, each day until it is fixed...
uh-oh...i made a booboooooooooooooooo...
pay attention now and benefit from my wisdom of experience...never, ever, ever...and i mean NEVER!!!...never attempt to install a program on your windows nt machine that does not specifically say it is for nt...
don't try-it-and-see-just-in-case when it says 95/98...it will not crash, maybe, but it just will not work...
don't presume that because it says it is compatible with win2000 that it should work because 2000 is built on nt technology...it just might crash your system...like 'Beginning physical dump of your inventory"...am i right? that means crashing??
this happened also when i was installing mcafee after learning that out virus protection had actually been disabled for about 2 years without out knowledge...of course, that time, the BG was able to reboot with the floppy discs and remove the program from the registry, in dos i think...
this time, that is just not working...that fucking bitch mavis beacon does not say anywhere that she will fuck up your machine if you try to install her on nt!!
i see my comments are out the window again...and all i have to say to this is another sigh? don't these fuckers know we depend on this feedback to maintain any delicate mental balance we have managed to acheive???
it is important when you are choosing frozen entrees, that you carefully read what you are choosing...the smart ones radiatorre , while delicious (winkwink) was with spinach, not broccoli, as i thought from my quick glean of the picture on the box...yuckadoooooooo...
amazing what new...no, not new, but different...chair will do for you at work...maybe in amonth or so it will be time to begin lobbying for a new, new chair...
well the dragon lady has returned from her visit to her kidlet...it was so nice to not see her for a week...sans her, this would be the perfect place to work...even with her it is tolerable, but what if...
i decided just now that she will join my wasband in that i will only speak to her when it is necessary and only about work...civility rules...
so i got old mavis to load, but it seems you still have to run the disc to use the program which means i cannot listen to an audio cd while i am practicing...grrr...however there is some lovely muzak (NOT!) playing along with it...i may soon excel if i play the chameleon game some more!!
as suggested in the recent redefining of my position, i have found a typing program that is guaranteed to improve my typing skills and let me have fun in the process...woohoo...mavis and i will be carrying on for a while, i think...that is, if i can load her without crashing my machine...
monday morning, back at work...actually almost a welcome thing...the weekend was rather pleasant, doing a lot of nothing...nothing, including forgetting all about raiders being on the big screen...so once again, i missed the chance to see it like this...as a consolation, the BG took me to see men in black dos...i liked it...mindless entertainment...and a perk for the BG as her babe-o-lina, laura flynn boyle was in it...
i was surprised that we actually did not have a single tense moment beiing off together that many days...pleasantly surprised...
i think the book issue has been miraculously 'forgotten' for the time being...time will tell...it's all good...
this is actually the entry for yesterday when blogger was down for routine maintenance...
So I went to my first weigh-in today since going back to weight watchers…if there are loopholes in the system I will find them…I suppose it is not a loophole since the system works for me…perhaps it is making less than appropriate choices for what foods you use your points for…
Instead if pushing you into the food pyramid and telling you that you must have 3 fruits, 5 veggies, and however many proteins and dairies and carbs, now they have points to use…and your points are determined by your weight so hey…I get a lot…at least until I get back to a more reasonable yet still more than I should weigh number…I get 29-34 points…yippee…food orgie at persephone’s…woooooooooooohooooooooooooooooooooooooo…
Ok, so it is not all that chaotic, but I think I have eaten a lot of food this week, and have made some good choices considering we have to eat out or have fast food for the bulk of it since the kitchen is not done yet…not having a kitchen severely limits what you can do/eat…but the point system has no limit as long as you know how many points a portion of something is and account for your points honestly…I figure if I lie ablot it and subsequently do not lose, that cheat is costing me 11 bucks a week so I have been brutally honest…
The following, in no particular order, tips are things I have found helpful with my success this far…
· a serving of meat, 3 oz in general, is the size of a deck of cards…
· a tablespoon of something, such as salad dressing or a pasta sauce, is roughly the size of the tip of your thumb from the knucle out to the end…
· a teaspoon is the same part of your pointer finger…
· when you dine out, ask for the doggie bag when your food arrives and immediately place half of everything in it…you can always get some back out if you want to, or it becomes tomorrow’s decadent lunch, and you already have the points figured out…
· when it is time to weigh-in, first use the potty to remove excess water weight…then be sure to remove your shoes, be certain your purse is not over your shoulder, and be extra certain your keys are not in your pocket…
· also, it helps if your hair is fully dry and you wear your contacts rather than your glasses…
· and never, ever wear jeans to a weigh-in meeting until they are to die for on your ass when you are at your goal weight…
oh…by the way…I lost 6.2…yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaw…
maybe i should get up early saturday morning and head down to galveston for a few early morning hours on the beach...being there is probably just what i need to snap my attitude around...i should go much more often as i know it is good for my spirit and soul, and it is just an hour to get there...
i am sitting here at work having inherited so much crap from the dragon lady...well guess what...i sat down monday morning and sorted through and attacked, and before lunch on monday it was all done and current...but she has no time for anything...right...
so here it is the last 2 hours before a long weekend and i have absolutely nothing to do...sigh...of course posting makes it look as if i am doing something so i suppose there is value in venting...
i am not sure i am at all looking forward to spending 4 days off with the BG...i hate feeliing this way, and i am sure it will be fine because it's all good...but it does have me contemplating what i want to do with my time...i am going to go to a ww meeting on friday morning because my thursday meeting is not available due to the holiday...i think after that i might go by the galleria and see if saks has the extra holiday discount on clearance that they usually run and see what might be a deal on the eileen fisher racks...then friday evening, i am going to see 'Raiders of the Lost Arc" on the big screen at midnight...i think it will be most excellent...of course i have seen it a kajillion times, but never at the movies...i need to remember to save a few points for some popcorn...
i have not even mentioned the movie because the BG is much better about this sort of thing if it is done spontaneously...also she is not impressed with the movie so she might opt to not go...i want to see it...i'm going...
i still feel as if i should be planning an exit...for the past 6 months to a year, i have often considered how our relationship will evolve and even wondered if we did not live together too soon...i know as each of our (mine and hers, not ours) children leave the nest things will shift and get better in small ways, but it is not something i can rush...
and would our relationship survive if we decided to maintain seperate households? i am not at all sure about this...i had a client whose daughter is a lesbian and she and her partner live seperately but this is mostly for professional reasons and it is more like they share two (pre-existing) homes, rather than created two after having had one...
i am still also trying to figure out what the bigger issues is here...i know in many ways it is nothing more than a power struggle, but when you feel you have been the one to acquiesce most of the time for 4 years, it can be very frustrating...
i suppose all i can really do is continue to work on me first, then on us...another hard task when the bg does not do the same or recognize any need to do so...more later...
the BG and i were discussing where to put bookshelves in the library...as the renovations began i designated this room 'the library' in an effort to lay claim to some space in what has been her home off and on for the last 25+ years...not to say it would be my space, but to try to feel like this house would become my home too...it is basically our den, as opposed to the family room we will convert half the garage to that will be the boys den more or less...the computer is in there, books, a love seat, and a nice large window facing out from the front of the house...
an ultimatum was issued last night...when she said it, i did not think of it as such, but in teasing me about my attitude later, this is the word the BG used...she said that 'this room will not be wall to wall books'...when i say library, it is not my intent that any space be wall to wall books...the BG is an artist...she collects art...she makes art...i would never say to her 'do not buy/make more art'...
last night she said soon i will have to begin recycling my books so i do not overflow the shelves...'my house will not have lesbian books everywhere'...
i was deflated...i went back to what i was doing, surfing some new lesbian blogs...i could not focus on their content...she wanted to do bills so i logged off...i was so numb at this point...i went about changing the sheets on the bed and doing soome more laundry and had tears steadily streaming down my face...out of sight of the BG...she still has no clue about how her edict has affected me and i suppose that is what hurts me more than any of the things that pass between us that are less than pleasant...
from the beginning the BG has known i am a book whore...a lesbian book whore...i currently have 400 titles, mostly fiction, and i will not part with them...they are a comfort i can not explain...since before my wasband's affair, they are the one constant in my life...there are 2 or 3 shelves of books i deem 'lesbian studies', which i will trade off when i am ready, not before...and certainly not because i am told to...
i finished what i could of the laundry and my tears had subsided and i was sitting in bed reading a new book (some irony, huh...) about an hour after the initial discussion about the books...having finished doing bills, the BG came in to go to bed with the d-o-g and saw me reading with a somewhat strained expression on my face...more to the d-o-g than to me, she said 'look, she's still put out because i gave her an ultimatum' (or something similar, i am not the parrot i would like to be)...the strained expression was my effort to concentrate on not making myself more upset than warranted over the whole thing and to not be crying about it when she came in for bed...
that is when i realized she really does not have a clue and does not know me at all...
4 years we have lived together, and i feel as if i should be planning an exit...of course i am not, nor will i, but it is how i feel about it all this morning...more later...
so my coworker walks by my desk this morning and says,
"Nice perm!"
i have been sitting here a week and a half with this nice perm...should i give him a fucking clue? or perhaps better yet i should give him a clue that nothing i do is to solicit compliments from men...hmmm...i think i will be a good grrl and let the 'thanks' i half heartedly muttered do...
