Life is not always fair. Or logical. Or pretty and nice.
This is my personal outlet for emotions that might otherwise be unleashed in an inappropriate manner.
Let it be known that "the BG" is my girlfriend whom I adore...the BabeGoddess, regardless of what I might be bitching about at any given moment within the walls of my blog.
"People can keep a journal to record their life, their thoughts, their happiness, the events of their families,
etc. They can also keep a journal of creative observations, their hopes, their ideas and dreams, as Leonardo da Vinci
did. He always had a notebook hanging from his belt to record his observations. I have one constantly in my
pocket and on my night table. We must be the source of good ideas and dreams for a better world. We are part of
evolution." -- ROBERT MULLER
"The defining characteristic of the literary vocation may be that those who
possess it experience the exercise of their craft as its own best reward, much superior to anything they might gain
from the fruits of their labors." from Letters to a Young Novelist by Mario Vargas Llosa
"The irony of life is not that you cannot forget but that you can." --Gertrude Atherton, 'Can Women Be Gentlemen'
Saturday, August 31, 2002
saturday morning...i thought it was going to be a miserable weekend, and of course it is too soon to tell, but i just got up and i am feeling rather optimistic about everything...last night before going to bed, the BG and i were discussing vacations for next year...i suppose this offered me a sense of security needed after the Force comment of the other day, but whatever the reason i am feeling better than i was, but with a definite sense of some priorities needing to happen as well...
we have previously decided to go to hualtuco, mexico and want to stay here...i saw an episode of The Best Of on the food network and knew it was the place for a week of relaxation...we are hoping to go in may, but have also discussed november as a possibility if the finances do not accrue for a may trip...uno mas margarita por favor...
also on the agenda are a long weekend to new orleans and possibly thanksgiving in nyc, depending on when we go to huatulco...
in tribute to how i am feeling, some lyrics from my man...
Fragile
From the album Nothing Like the Sun (A&M)
Words and music by Sting
If blood will flow when flesh and steel are one
Drying in the color of the evening sun
Tomorrow's rain will wash the stains away
But something in our minds will always stay
On and on the rain will fall
On and on the rain will fall
Perhaps this final act was meant
To clinch a lifetime's argument
That nothing comes from violence
and nothing ever could
For all those born beneath an angry star
Lest we forget how fragile we are
On and on the rain will fall
Like tears from a star like tears from a star
On and on the rain will say
How fragile we are
How fragile we are
If blood will flow when flesh and steel are one
Drying in the color of the evening sun
Tomorrow's rain will wash the stains away
But something in our minds will always stay
On and on the rain will fall
Like tears from a star like tears from a star
On and on the rain will say
How fragile we are
How fragile we are
on top of all that, i woke up this morning having had a bizarre dream about my high school best friend colleen and that she and i were at the top of a ski run held captive by theives who were telling us to calm down and be glad we were being held by theives and nnot rapists or murderers...they were not very smart theives and we escaped and i woke up with no recollection of hearing the alarm or having turned it off...weirdness...
i have the most wicked bags this morning...lovely by product of my psuedoinsomnia...actually, this morning they are more the result of a good cry...i have not had one in some time and the release was fabulous...the cost, however, is more than i care to pay at the moment...
i was chatting with brigit last night and she was able to coax me out of my denial somehow about the "small disturbance in the Force"...i did not appreciate how much those 5 words have rocked me...i spoke some truths that i have shelved in pursuit of maintaining balance and was unbalanced and sobbing for a couple of hours...i could feel my bloodpressure go up as i typed the words of how much i hate my wasband...it was good to say that out loud, well, sort of out loud...he is the least of my concerns, really...the BG has me reeling over the small disturbance and i still do not know how to resolve being so totally in love with someone with discontent...not only was my blood pressure up, but i was actually feeling stress, which i have not physically felt in more than four years...and my stomach was clenching with cramps the likes of which i have never experienced...i thought at one point i was going to explode and have the brewing toxic waste exploding form all available ports...
at about 1:40, i felt the tingling in my knees that signals my brain that i better get my ass to bed...it was more than knowing i was getting up in less than 5 hours...it was the edge of exhaustion...i even thought i would be intentionally late for work this morning but i wasn't...brigit then told me to detatch and release...i took several deep cleansing breaths and i could feel it releasing...that felt good...i also then took some aleve and had a listerine papermint which cleared the been-crying stuffiness from my sinuses in an instant...i now swear by that little packet of filmy mints and rarely ever take any sinus or allergy meds anymore...
i thought for sure i would not be sleeping well...i went to the bathroom and then with that light on opened the bedroom door to see if the dog was in my spot...he usually is and he growls at me when i go to get in bed if i have not checked first...last night he got up as the door opened and growled walking toward me...i growled right back and told hime to shut the fuck up and lay on his own damn bed...he did and the BG let escape a soft chuckle...
i was still somewhat weepy, though quietly, and the BG shifted and her skin was touching mine...all of the sour emotion i was feeling left in that instant...her touch is my ambrosia...the heat of her skin on mine even if it is only a second in duration sends chills through my spine and makes me liquid...
i hate it when in unspoken ways, everything is or seems different...because they are unspoken it is never really clear if imagination is overwrought or reality is sinking in...
upheaval sucks...the routine has been that the BG's son is with us on tuesday, thursday, friday and half day saturday...there have been fluctuations, but this has pretty much been the status quo...due to geographical pain in the ass, like traffic, with school resuming it is switching to where she will pick him up from school on friday and drop him off monday morning...simple enough...
it has been the norm for the last good while, that she and i go out on Wednesday night...why am i just now finding out that she has promised to do something with him this evening?
i think it might be time for that left nipple piercing i have been having visions of lately...seems a logical answer to a "small disturbance in the Force", eh?
i was listening on the radio to an interview with some professor about the big rollover and how it is fast approaching...it has to do with oil and various fossil fuels and when teir availability/use will peak...it was originally proclaimed a few moons ago that the peak would happen in the 1970s...i find this interesting only from the point of view of an employee of a publishing company that publishes trade magazines for this industry...dry content that usually escapes my interest...so the interviewee said that the actual rollover will now occur between 2003 ans 2010...once we are at peak, there will be minute percentages less available each year for consumption...
the other tidbit i learned was that it takes more energy to produce a vehicle than the vehicle will consume in its lifetime...
i have decided after a day reflecting that i am more disturbed by the "small disturbance in the Force" than i had initially thought...i still maintain that it's all good, but i wonder where it is all coming from, and why mention it if she was not going to follow through when i asked for explanation?
there are simply days when this world exists simply to make me crazed...at least i can say for certain, this is not oone of those times...i am completely composed and rational which is an acheivement...i think some call it, ummm...maturity...how frightening is that...
so to continue a bit my jumbled thoughts, let me relate a close approximation of the dessert conversation...we had been talking about family members and the BG mentioned about her brother beiing older and wiser...
Me: well, my sister is just older...50 now!!
The BG: I will be 50 in just 8 years...
Me: hmmm...twice as long as we have been together...we will have been together 12 years at that point...
The BG: do you really think we will still be together then...
insert a brief moment of deer-in-the-headlights type shock
Me: of course i think we will still be together
The BG: I don't know...
Me: explain, please
The BG: i just don't know...it is like sensing a small disturbance in the Force...
i had a lovely afternoon at the beach yesterday...i left the house around 9 and after stopping for gas and soome water, i was at the beach before 10:30...i even managed to parallel park on my first attempt...of course the spaces along the seawall in galveston are pretty generous, no coincidence, i'm sure...
The water was the perfect temperature and not too rough...i wrote about 5 pages of notes while i was there, and now i need to take soome time to make sense of them...i think i need to go buy a lounge chair for the yard, screw it if it is not ready for that yet...i definitely benefit from the sun time, pool or no pool...i wish galveston was just a liiiiiiiiiiiiiiitle bit closer...i might try to get myself into the habit of going every other weekend...
i know i have been saying i am going to go for weeks, and on saturday a spoke to my wasband...he is concerned that i let my son quit school to get his GED...i was furious...way over the edge of simply being pissed off...for 2 years, he has barely spoken to him and now he thinks he has the right to be concerned or to question my judgement...hence the need that actually got me to the beach yesterday...
after the beach i took a shower and a nap and went to dinner with the BG...i had planned on going to a cafe we frequent, but alone, as she was supposed to take her dad out to dinner for his birthday...he cancelled, so we went together...whhile at the cafe i was going to take advantage of the solo time and tackle my notes from the beach...maybe i will get to them this evening...
after the dinner of spanish eggs and mexican pepsi, we went to another coffee house for dessert...before the absolutely ambrosiac in-house-made white chocolate cheesecake, i was well within my points for the day...i ate only half the cheesecake, but i am sure that put me over somewhere...i am hoping that all the stress and aggravation caused by my wasband earned me a point or two...all in all i do not think i did too poorly...i will just monitor closely my points for the rest of the week...
the meeting i have been going to for ww has been on friday at noontime...there was a new leader and i was liking her, but she was triflingly rude to me on friday last, so i am switching back to thursday afternoon at 4:30...the BG has unofficially been doing ww with me, but decided this weekend that she was going to give it a go attending meetings for awhile to instill in herself a little more discipline...she does well as long as she does not bring wine into the house...she knows this and i have told her this, but maybe the meetings will help her to solidify her resolve...
i suppose i was hoping for some feedback on the joey story by way of email or comments...but regardless, i am going to submit it i think...no expectations=no disappointments...of this i must continue to remind myself...
holds true today as well as it is once again friday and i have the noon meeting to contend with...
i took a mental health day today and now my neck has a kink in it...life can be so unfair...
yesterday, one of the salesmen came to the office and he and i have a very flirtatious relationship...all good clean fun, especially since he is somewhat sexy(for a guy...) and easy on the eyes...we had a playful exhibitionistic verbal exchange in the elevator on the way up to the office and i took that exchange and elaborated to what i think might become an entry to the short short competition...the piece follows, so only read on if you are interested, and keep in mind it is 95% fiction!!
Joey
As I stepped onto the crowded elevator this morning, I was greeted by his confident and knowing smile. There were four other men in the elevator, one of them his boss, so I felt I was in a safe space from his sometimes menacing behavior. As soon as the elevator doors closed and our ascent began, I realized how wrong I was.
“Persephone, you smell so good,” he told me.
“Of course I do, Joey,” I answered coolly.
Joey is a sales rep for our publishing firm and he works from another office so it is rare that I see him. Not only is he tall, dark, and handsome, he has that sexiness that comes naturally in someone as confident as he. He is 40ish with broad shoulders, and has that ever-present twinkle in his eye. His friendly banter is often laced with innuendo that in a more formal office would undoubtedly lead him to reprimands for sexual harassment. In short, he likes to play. He knows I am a lesbian and that I am in a committed relationship, and because I never resist his challenge, his wisecracking is always somewhat provocative. I am always surprised by how far he will go, and frankly, I find him somewhat refreshing.
It was a lovely summer morning and we were both still wearing our sunglasses as our elevator ride and risqué banter continued.
“Persephone, I mean you really smell good.” Joey’s voice was more than suggestive as if he knew that regardless of my sexual preference, I would do him in a heartbeat.
“Joey,” I said softly, yet clearly enough for all to hear, “have you come to a decision yet about being our participatory sperm donor?”
I thought for sure that he would concede to defeat because his boss was a member of our captive audience. Joey, never one to disappoint, did not even shift his feet. He kept his mirrored eyes intently focused in my direction and without missing a beat, simply said “Yes.”
After a brief pause, I said, “Yes, you have come to a decision, or yes is your decision?”
Joey was again a man of few words and answered, “Both.”
A slight smile escaped Joey’s lips, but as his boss looked from me back to him, he was once again composed and serious.
“I hope you realize how much this pleases me,” I purred.
We reached the sixth floor and the elevator doors opened.
No one moved.
Joey held the elevator door, and as I exited, I commented to the men standing in the elevator what perfect gentlemen they were to allow a lady to exit first.
Joey took my arm and led me aside in the hallway to where we were mostly out of the way, but where everyone would still have to walk around us. His boss passed us on the way to the office, looked back to see what he might be missing, but then continued through the door. I was standing against the wall and Joey was leaning in rather intimately. I was almost waiting for Joey’s full lips to brush over mine.
His concession was brief. “You deserve lunch for that performance. Think about where you want to go,” he whispered into my ear. “And let’s keep the charade going today to feed the gossip mill, give them all a thrill. Deal?”
I heard the elevator bell ring, and knew my boss would be the person arriving to interrupt us. I stretched my arms up around Joey’s neck and felt his moustache tickle my nose as I let my lips softly brush against his.
To my surprise, the dragon lady was with my boss. I was surprised because she is usually in earlier. She knew it was Joey and said, “Sheesh, get a room.”
She was kidding him, but he turned her way and gave her a long hard stare. He had since removed his sunglasses and she saw immediately that he did not see any humor in her effort to get a rise from him. The boss put his hand on her shoulder and ushered her down the hall.
“Sorry to interrupt your conversation, Joey,” said the always-eloquent boss man, “see you inside in a few minutes.”
By this time they had both seen to whom Joey was talking. Eyebrows were raised all around as they left Joey and me alone in the hallway. It was all either of us could do to not let raucous laughter fly as the wheels of the mill were churning away on the other side of the door in front of us.
The morning passed by quickly. I got all of my work caught up so there would be no excuses when it came time for lunch. Joey likes to dine well, and as it is a meeting day, I knew lunch would be on his expense account. It is usual procedure to either order in when there is a sales meeting, or go out in a group so everyone can visit and catch up. At around 10:30, I brought in our collection of take-out menus so I could get everyone’s order together and call to arrange deliveries. There was an empty seat next to Joey, so I took it and was poised to write.
I was about halfway around the room when it was Joey’s turn to order. “I’d really rather take you to lunch today, Persephone, if you don’t have other plans already.” As Joey said this, his hand was on mine in a gesture to keep my attention from returning to the task of ordering lunches.
To more raised eyebrows, my girlfriend’s included, I replied simply, “No, no plans. That would be really nice, thanks.”
I went back to my desk and made all the lunch arrangements. The order was delivered promptly at noon. I brought it in to the conference room and delivered to each person their respective meal. I had carefully slipped a note into my girlfriend’s lunch bag that said, “Will explain later.” She knows what a character Joey is, and that I am never one to back down from a challenge.
As Joey excused himself from the meeting, the boss man said, “We begin promptly at one, Joey.”
Joey’s nod was all that was necessary, and we left to seek some fine dining. Joey said he would drive and in minutes we were at a new café around the corner that I had been anxious to try. The food was as good as the company and we were back at the office with time to spare. Of course we took this time to be huddled together off to the side in our own private conversation.
To the office in general, my girlfriend and I are not out as lesbians or as a couple. Neither of us deludes ourselves into thinking no one knows. We presume everyone knows, but we confirm nothing. We are discreet and keep work and our personal lives separate. It serves us well.
I excused myself to get back to my desk, and the dragon lady, who never has a nice thing to say to me walked out with me. We both stopped at the water cooler to refill our glasses, and she asked, “So, how long have you and Joey been an item?
“We’re not,” I assured her.
“Well, it certainly did not look that way this morning,” she said.
“I really don’t think that is any of your concern.” I taunted.
Joey’s boss had by this time let slip what he had heard in the elevator this morning. My girlfriend had given me a wink when Joey and I returned from lunch signaling that she was not about to spoil my fun.
By the time the meeting was over and everyone was getting ready to leave, the story of the elevator had been seriously compromised as the gossip passed from person to person. My girlfriend came out to my desk and told me she had heard that Joey and I were carrying on a scandalous affair.
Not knowing that she is my girlfriend, but her being someone in the office he thought was fun, he told her of our deception when they had taken an afternoon break from the sales meeting.
Always one to be prepared, she asked Joey and his boss to wait a minute because she had something she wanted him to take with him. As I was telling Joey I would call him with the arrangements, my girlfriend came back into my office and handed Joey a book.
Thinking she had given Joey something work related, Joey’s boss asked, “What have you got there?”
Joey looked up at me with a puzzled expression on his face and said, “A book of baby names.”
For the second time today, I reached my hand around the back of his neck and pulled him close to whisper in his ear, “Gotcha!!”
The Assignment:If you were planning to have a baby, how would you answer some of the crucial questions of lesbian parenthood? If you already have a child, how did you come by your bundle of joy? If you don't have and don't want children, how did you make that decision?
bundles of joy sometimes just aren't...i love my children dearly, let me state that up front and unequivocally...
i did no know, as i have mentioned here many times before, that i am a lesbian until i was 29...after 2 children...i was in a relationship with my first son's father nearly 2 years when i decided at 19, i had been extremely lucky until that time, and i had better get my ass into planned parenthood and get on the pill...i do not have parents that ever discussed the birds and the bees or are affectionate in an example sort of way...of course by 19, there was a lot of experimentation by way of how what happens, how i like it, etc, at least on the hetero side of things...
so, i went to pp and had to have a pregnancy test because yes, i had had unprotected sex and there was a chance, or two, that i could be pregnant...by this time, i am sure it has become clear that i learned of my pregnancy when i thought i might responsibly avoid it...i was in shock for a few days but immediately stopped drinking and using other umm, substances...as it turned out, i was actually only pregnant by about 2 weeks...
i did not want to be a mother...i was not thrilled beyond belief over the life growing inside of me, but i have always been responsible, especially when a situation is forced upon me and i see no other choice...i found a second job, a third job, and a few more roommates to make things woork, but knew that this was not the course i would have chosen...that was in 1984...
in 1987 i moved from ny to va...i still had the hetero blues, and met a fine man shortly after moving...we fell in love and married, and in 1990, i learned i was pregnant a second time...this time there was joy, but i was still not totally embracing motherhood as my choice...the circumstances of the relationship are what made each time different i suppose, as well as a fey years of age and maturity...
the births were as different as my two sons are...the eldest, who is laid back and easy going, was more difficult to spit out...the doctor recommended an epidural without fully disclosing potential side effects and dangers...i was numb from the titties down and all of a sudden my thighs were next to my arms and my knees were next to my shoulders...this was hilarious to me...i could not push, but i felt nothing...i have often wondered if feeliing nothing is associated somehow with my dissasociation with motherhood...
the birth being done, i was still way out of it, and fell asleep...when i woke up i was vomiting over the bed rail and shivering out of control...i was freezing...it was january in upstate ny and i felt like i was outside on a gurney in the ice and snow, not in a hospital room where it was 85 degrees...seems i was having an allergic reaction to the epidural and it was none too pleasant...my son was healthy and in the care of the 5 nurses on each shift...he had them pretty much to himself as we were the only ones in the ward...i did not hold him and feed him until the 4th day and we were finally released on the 5th day...i was still feeling like crap for about another week after this and not feeling better until about 2 or 3 months later...i do not think it pas ppd, i think it was all the epidural...
several years ago i learned that my back trouble is froom the cursed epidural...hionestly, at 20, i do not know how i would have managed without it, but i regret it just the same...i was never advised that i should attend birthing classes though they were available...i imagine they might have helped...
the second birth was in a military hospital...i received the best of care and of course, the doc i was not fond of was the one attending...my second son was 2 weeks past due, though i think the due date was not accurate and he was right on time...i was induced because the doc did not like the non-stress-test results, but oonce the labor started, wham...there he was...thrust from my loins as it was, all 8.6 pounds of him...no anestesia...no time for it...still no birthing classes, but it was uneventful and i was walking to the toilet on my own 20 mins after i was stitched up...
i have a somewhat closer relationship with my second son, but all in all not different really...
at this poiint, a would say i should not have been a mother...it is not an experience i feel i have gained from or would have missed without it having happened...i have a friend who is sensitive ( as it is meant in the movie "The Shipping News")...she says as everything happens for a reason, my sons are here for something great...i am closer to both of them now then my parents ever were to me, and i know that there is something generational going on and it is a big circle that i might some day mre fully understand...
as awful as my miscarriage was (see archives of april/may for gruesome detail), i cannot imagine how my lofe might be now had i had a successful delivery...i would have a nearly 7 year old running around in the mix...and would i still have chosen as i have?
last night the BG and i spent the better part of an hour talking with my eldest about his options...the move in june took us into a different school district and he is unable to attend the school he wants to go to...i had agreed to letting him stay there before we found out it is a penal (ewwwwwwwwwwww) offense...due to his lack of ambition, he managed to fail 11th grade in a major fashion...he is one of the kids that has managed to fall through the cracks...
the BG and i have discussed this often and to great length...his best option is to quit school and get a GED...he is not destined for academic greatness at any university at this point in his life...a GED will get him into the military or into an art school or some such alternate course when he is ready...he even is of the mind that he will be paying for the class...i like that part...
part of me feels like even though i know this is the best option for him, that perhaps i was slack somewhere along the way leading up to this point...i suppose having not been slack with intent, i am not slack...i will have to meditate on this more, perhaps...
it certainly is monday morning...the folding machine won round one, but i won round two and i think it is common knowledge that ties go to the human!!
the dragon lady left a mailing hanging over my inbox which only fortified the roll in the paper leading to the folding machine's victory...she does this with calculated intent, hence her dragon lady status...inhale...2...3...4...hold...2...3...4..exhale...2...3...4...
i took my son this morning to pick up his gf for the day and haul them back to the big city...they have been dating about 6 months or so and this is the first time i have met her...she seems normal enough, even somewhat engaging...this is a good thing as his last gf, cousin (i think) of the current gf was just a little weird...they live in Crosby which is about 45 mins one way out of houston...a little burg east of nowhere...not to bad a drive, but i really do see the need to get him motivated to get his license...then he can just beg me for the use of the car...of course i have to bring her home this evening too...yippee...
the days have been just rolliing by...the BG and i have been together now for 4 years...we do not really have a day we celebrate as an anniversary, but today is the end of the anniversary season...June 7th is the day it begins, which is the day i knew i was in love...it ends today because this is the day the uhaul arrived in tex-ass...
i know at times i sound here like all is bleak or gloom and doom, but that is the function of this blog...it is my outlet for insecurities...my vent for steam that might otherwise percolate and become a bitter cup of coffee...having this outlet truly helps make each day with her richer and more enjoyable than the last...
this year there has not been any whoopdedoo celebrating of the anniversary period and i am not sure why...mostly i think it is because we are renovating and the dollars are dedicated...
of course, everyday with the BG is a celebration...
after a little gentle prompting from my friend L, i have decided to borrow some time from my employer and work on some writing while i have down time...i had thought about doing this by way of emailing myself at home, but then it is still on the server i think...i am at the point where i do not really care about that and feel that if someone wants to monitor me that closely, do i really want to care?
the fact is i get my work done...all of it...a do not rock the boat...and i do my best, successfully so far, to avoid the dragon lady...i was assisting the art directors doing little projects here and there, but the dragon lady put an end to that so she could dump more of her work on me...well guess what? i am just a little more efficient than she is, so i still have mucho time on my hands...
i truly am glad i have this job...after reading the grey bird's thoughts on the subject, my appreciation has been somewhat restored...but the lack of creativity might just make me nuts...so i have decided i will make some creativity and see how it goes...
there are snippets of phone conversation you just do not want to hear when strolliing past a co-workers office...i was just rotating back issues of the magazine and i walked by the dragon lady's office on the way to my own...she said into the phone, "are you coming yet?"
the chicken wings were fabulous and i think all in all i stayed within my points...i will be a point nazi the rest of the week to get back into the swing of the program...get my shit together and all that...
i met a few more of b and i's friends last night but i feel like an outsider with them...of course they are their friends, as i am, but a few of them i have seen many times over there...i suppose feeling outside the group is lessened each time, but i do not think i will ever feel part of, rather than additional to...of course this is not a bad think, just another thing that simply is...
the BG did not go as she injured her back over the weekend laying some flooring...she stayed home from work yesterday and was miserable still when i got home...when i got home from the party though, she was definitely feeling better...
my boyfriend the DHL delivery dude was just here...not really my boyfriend, of course, but he is rather flirty and pleasant...he told me if i ever am missing my coffee cup it is because he snatched it up...if this was a DHL delivery dudette, i might be tempted to find one for her...i suppose that makes me somewhat sexist...the cup is, i think, 20 oz, and has the warner cartoon women on it, hero and villain...a lovely wonder woman, supergirl, bat girl, cat woman, and poison ivy...he asked me if i still read the comics, and i do, just not those...
there is a comic called "Strangers in Paradise" which is lesbian and really well done...the artist/author is Terry Moore, and he is from Houston...i do not think the lesbian content is at all overt enough, but it is a good comic...i have been reading it about 2 years or so...i prefer the trades and try to wait for the new one to come out rather than buying each issue, but i might switch to the issues to have them more readily...i think i might go pick up a few this evening, and maybe even get one for my boyfriend...
i have been dreadful in regard to point tracking this weekend...i do not think i went way over or anything, but i did not write anything down since about noon friday...back on track i suppose...this evening i am cooking my famous chicken wings for a party at a friend's house for her birthday...i volunteered them, and then realized i still have no kitchen, so i am going over early and cooking there...it will be nice to have the extra visit time...there will be other snacky stuff, too, so i need to prepare...i want at least 4 of them which will be 12 points...added to what i have eaten today already, i have just enough points for a bite or two of cake...woohoo...
where does one find the distinction between monotonous work and financial compensation? i suppose there are as many answers to this as there are people reading the query...i can also appreciate that there is no right answer...once i am debt free, about 10 months more, i might better contemplate the full potential of all the options...wouldn't it be divine if a publishing deal fell into my lap around the same time...aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah...
since my new books have not arrived yet, i have time for another light read. I just updated the recent reads link on the right to include "Vital Ties" by Karen Kringle. As far as lesbian fiction goes, this was an excellent read...
so last night we get a phone call at around 9 or so...past the solicitors ours, so the phone was answered...it was the BG's sister sho lives about 45 minutes from here...she needed to talk to me...odd...
i have been doing her hair since i moved here, 4 years ago this week...her sorry ass husband's hair too...and i have given their year and a half son a few cuts too...to me, they are my family now and it is no big deal...they have insited on paying, which i learned long ago ie pretty easy to go along with...when i opened my own space a year and a half ago, i asked the siter-in-law, who is a cpa, if she would like to barter services as i know nothing about the ins and outs of tax time for a small business...it was all ironed out and since then, even though the business is now closed, it is ok to not pay...(no cattiness intended)...
so the little one has been getting buzz cuts by mom for the summer with her trusty new clipper kit...it has gone well...at this point the stories fork...
when talking to the sister-in-law on the phone last night, she said her husband asked her to do his since she has been doing a good job on their son...as soon as she said this, i knew that she was doing good around the sides and back and then she went up into the round of the head and made a big hole...so i told her he could come over today after 4 as we would be home...after consulting with him, she called back and said they had friends coming over for dinner and that would not work, but if we want to come join them for dinner, that would be fine and i could fix his hair then...
i told her i was answering yes for me, and maybe the BG would join us too...i suppose i should point out at this time what a dolt we think the brother-in-law is...he is such a jerk...a man, simply put...and i am not one of those man hating lesbians either...this particular man is somewhere above neanderthal, but certainly not enlightened...
as the BG and i discussed this, she mentioned that she found it offensive that we were invited as an afterthought and really just as a convenience...i explained to her it could be entertaining to be touchy feely in front of them and their friends...
after giving it some more thought, i called when i woke up this morning and told the sister -in-law that i had forgotten some other plans and i would be leaving the house around noon...if the brother-in-law could be here by 11, i could fix it, but he had to be aware that i can only improve what was left, i could not make his hair longer again...she said she would call me right back and let me know if he could do that...
he could, he did, and we just finished...i did it outside on the patio...it is about 88 degrees already,,,he was under a cape...sweating his ass off...i was sweating my ass off too, but it was worth it for his discomfort and not having a mess to clean up inside...i am sure that gained me a few activity points too...
the sister-in-law has said that now she owes me big...i think i will ask her to bring her little machine and pressure wash the front of the house next onth after the trees have been removed...so glad i could be of service...
wow...in preparation for a book i have ordered, i have been doing a little research...the book is called One Dharma: The Emerging Western Buddhism by Joseph Goldstein...i still am not sure what led me to choose this moment to branch out into something a little heavier than lesbian mystery, but it will be arriving soon...
so in the way of research, i have been surfing...i typed "buddhism and homosexuality" into my browser and found my wat to this site which i thought offers a nice little assortment of essays...under the link to articles, there is a piece titled " To belong or not to belong…", by Naljorma Rin'dzin Pamo...i would link it directly if i could figure out how...i am very contemplative about this now, and barring torrential rain, i *am* going to galveston in the morning to meditate on this, in the only way i know how (as of yet...)...too bad i do not have the printer hooked up to take the article with me...
it is saturday and no one is home...i love it...not only is it totally quiet, but i get to lick the plate clean to get every drop of my zero point mid afternoon snack of strawberries and fat free cool whip...woooooooooohooo...
well i have gone and done the dykes' haircuts and i was graciously welcomed to join them in going to see melissa tonight...i have thought about it long and hard, and yes, made an adult decision...if lawn seats were 25 bucks, i would definitely be going...however, 41 bucks is simply too much for that particular venue...and i would rather spend it elsewhere even if it is into the huatulco vacation fund...however i might call mimi, and if she can get me in, it might go for a pedicure and an indulgent lunch...more later, perhaps, i have a huge aloe plant begging to be repotted...
i almost forgot...my ww leader said today, as one of her favorite reminder phrases to keep her honest in tracking points, "what you eat in private, you wear in public"
struck home...i told her i alwways consider that the snack i might cheat with is costing me 11 bucks a week...
mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...lean pockets barbeque is pretty good...something different anyway...too bad costco only has the meatball ones in bulk...i found 4 other kinds to try when i shopped last night and if this bbq one is any indication, they are ok...
so i went to ww and had a loss of 4.8...ummmmmmmmm...do keep in mind that 1.8 of that is back tracking from the evil ice cream fiasco...between that and the potential for actually going to the concert i am feeling pretty good about my self today...so much so, that i am going to see my dear friend paul for a trim...woohoo...
not getting my hair done every 3-4 weeks is the one down side of having retired...he is going to ride my ass about all the grey creeping in to my roots...maybe i will do my color when i get home tonight, too...
i am feeling rather apprehensive today about hitting the scale...i have been very conscientious of tracking my points this week, but after the gain last week, it is just the feeling of impending doom...only the scale can tell for sure...
i have begun missing cooking...i knew it would happen sooner or later...i thought it would actually happen sooner...i was going to surprise the BG with a stove, but i really need to go see my folks so i have to put that idea on hold...at least the floor is pretty much done...parts of it need to be redone, but that is another story...so the next things on the list are 3 kitchen base cabinets, and the sink and countertop...then the stove...we could get the stove first, but it makes little sense if there is no sink to clean up in...i think it should all be in by mid september...
a new fridge is on the list, as well as t islands from ikea and 2 steel racks for the pantry...i think all might be done by the holiday season...but that might be just a liiiiiiiiiitle optimistic...the BG's horoscope for today, however, indicates otherwise...
Libra...Horoscope (by astrocenter.com)
There is change occurring, either inside your house or nearby. Perhaps you are undergoing a renovation that is dragging
on longer than it should. Or maybe your neighbor is having some work done and you're fed up with construction trucks in
your driveway. Whatever it is, dear Libra, know that the minor inconvenience will soon pass. The short-term disruption to
your routine will likely result in a long-term benefit. Be patient.
so i suppose the renovation is dragging on a bit, but we are, afterall, on goddess time...we decided that rather go into further debt, we would do the rest as we can, so it is actually happening pretty readily...
in addition to the kitchen, the current project is the shower in our second bathroom...it was a tub, and has been gutted since the demolition phase last fall...the floor has been retiled and grouted so it is done, toilet put back and we put in a new sink...so that part of it is all functional...it will be nice when the shower is done as the boys will no longer have to use ours...
new news on the melissa frone...i am going in the morning to do 2 of my dyke clients who are going to the show...i am going to try to weasel a ride from them, perhaps under the threat of giving them hetero hair!! cross your fingers, please...
well i spoke to my mom last night finally, and she said my aunt might be home as soon as next tuesday...they wake her each day at 5 to sit her up so fluid does not collect in her lungs, and she does these breathing exercises much like exhaling into a breathalyzer...all iin all, she is doing well...off the ventilator after 2 days and the feeding tube removed on the third day...i think she is already getting up to use the bathroom and it has been a week today...
i told my mom of my plans to go home the end of september or beginning of october...i found a ticket for about 240, and a rental car at 25 a day which brings me in around 400 considering taxes and all...she said she would pay for the hotel, which i sorta figured, so i told her i could fly into the airport near my aunt's house which means probably staying overnight there...it is a six hour drive from there rather than a 2 hour, and my mom will then maybe go with me home, and then i can bring her back to my aunts on the way back...this also means i will not be able to purge crap as i hoped with my dad on this tip...but i think i can bring the idea up over concern for his breathing on the 6 hour drive...i also told her i want to do the what's mine inventory for inclusion with their wills...
all in all it was a pleasant conversation...seperation will do that for you...i need to tell k, my bestest, of these plans so in case she is planning a trip as well i might be able to overlap her...if not, this will be the first time i have gone home that she is not there...that will be weird...
i think i have just been subtlely guilted into not going to see melissa etheridge this saturday...lawn seats are 41 a piece...i think the most we have paid for lawn at this venue in the past is 25...where i think i would not mind paying 41, i do not like paying 82, as the BG made clear i am the fan, and she would not be going other than to keep me company...
of course she does not like the idea of me going to dyke city alone, and i admit it would be a test of sorts myself...not that i am not trusted, i think she more likely does not want to be absent from the memory...
she said, "well, just think of what else you can do with 82 dollars...you could get some new clothes, a good meal..."
i added, "...a new steel rack for the pantry area...closet doors..." as my totally veiled sarcastic contribution which was lost on her....
she was seriously advisiing considering the alternatives and then deciding...how can i now show her my responsible decision, which i made before this conversation, without it beiing her idea...wah...
i guess i am stopping at costco on the way home to get one of the pantry racks...
i actually went to bed early last night, by 11, and did not want to wake up this morning for anything...i turned off the alarm and slept another hour...in that hour, i had the weirdest dream...
a well-to-do friend of mine was going out of town for a few days and asked me if i would stay at her luxury penthouse to monitor things for her...the building security was contracted with a new company and she just felt better knowing someone was in and out of the apartment, basically living there...as i considered the longer drive to work in the morning, she seemed to know what i was thinking...without missing a beat, she clarified that i would, of course have access to her driver...
i feel some new fiction spinning...maybe i will leave early and go home and spin it...
so i had a variety of stuff from the buffet, miscellaneous veggies, some baked salmon, a slice of ham, and a small piece of kielbasa...then i had some fat free no sugar added butter pecan frozen yogurt...it was all very good and i still have 6-11 points to use later today, thhough right no i am very full...
every time i go to ryan's i am reminded of just how low brow it is...sorta like rubbernecking a wreck on the freeway...i just have to go back every now and again...
we are going to go to ryan's for lunch...it is a family steak house/buffet, with this location being buffet only...oddly enough, when i have all this selection and temptation, i have total control...they have a good baked salmon which i will have as well as baked chicken which is tres yummy...i need to look up baked ham and keilbasa, the latter of which will be the real temptation/siin, but also manageable as in i will be given a portion of it, usually cut in 2 inch lengths...if i wait til i am really jonesing for it and make it at home, i will likely eat the entire package...maybe it will be a good thing...
one ounce is 2 points...not as bad as i thought...i can have some afterall...then i will have a lovely mixed green zero point salad tonight when i am hungry for dinner...
my parents are pack rats, as i just commented below to suzy...you can sit in my mom's chair, see a magazine that is one you think you missed this month, and reach for it and begin reading through it...once you have read a few pages, it might seem vaguely off...so you flip back to the cover to get more info...upon looking at the cover model, you think to youself how so an so has aged so well...she really looks great...then you see the date...1981...
all sorts of tidbits can be found without looking too hard...they have tremendous amounts of stuff...of course with stuff comes dust...when i do visit i either o.d. on allergy meds, or just limit the time i am in their house...i do not want to give a bad impression, it is not filth...it is just stuff...and the stuff multiplies on its own, i think...my dad jokes that he has a string to get him from the bed to the bathroom in case he has to go in the middle of the night, so he will not lose his way...and this is a very small house...a cabin really...might be around 800 square feet...of stuff...
of course the up side of this is that there are a lot of photos...my dad has been a quasi professional photographer...the pics he snaps are definitely professional quality if not superior, yet he will not take money for them, ever...he has been taking pictures since he was 13...and he has an extensive collection of cameras...at one point he developed his photos, too...there are soome fascinating nostalgif 8x10 black and whites i have managed to pilfer here and there...i think of all the stuff...the cameras and photos are definitely among what i want...there is a lighter collection too, as well as an autographed baseball and a pocket watch that was my grandfather's...
of my mothers 'collectibles', i want the plate collection from the walls, and i am not sure what else...she has a few bakiing dishes i really like and some cookbooks that may have never been used...these will blend nicely into the cook book collection i presently have...i am not solely a lesbian book whore afterall, i just do not yet have the cookbooks inventoried...maybe when they are unpacked...
i need a vacation...i realized this this morning, and was going to ask the bossman for the rest of the week off...he'd have surely said yes...then, i check my voice mail when i got here this morning to hear a message from him that he is out of the office until friday at some convention...wah...of course, that in itself is the next best thing to a vacation...i say this because not only does it mean the boss is gone, but it also means the dragon lady will be back in her own office most of the week quietly doing what ever it is she does...not work, certainly...when the boss is gone she has no need for the loud posturing she does the rest of the time...oh, the little joys of office life...
i have recently had these brief moments of wondering if i miss salon life...very brief...i have decided i miss the socialization of it...having coworkers i have something in common with...even moreso, perhaps, clients who adore me...who know i am the shit when it comes to getting a good haircut...the handful i still do are definitely aware of this, and it strikes me as funny that half of the ones i continue to service are dykes...doubly odd if you consider that i crave the elusive circle of dyke friends, but these clients in question remain clients...
i suppose if i had to decide what i am missing in life, that is right up there...my bestest friend, k, lives in boston now...she has been there nearly a year in what i hope for her sake is her happily-ever-after final relationship...she certainly deserves it...i miss her terribly and have not seen her fore about 3-4 years...i could do a long weekend in boston as my needed vacation, but i do not know what that would do to my guilt quotient surrounding not having seen my folks in roughly the same tiime frame...
they do not nag that i have not been around as they know i have this thing called a life...i think more than me, they would like their grandsons to visit...not likely we will ever be together all at once any time soon, what with the oldest nearly 18 and working as well as school, and the youngest living with his dad (which i have yet to tell then has happened again)...neither my mother nor my father are in the best of health...my dad is 74 and my mom 70 now...
add to their declining health that my mom has spent most of the last year at her sister's, my aunt who just had the lung transplant, and it is even more difficult to try to plan to see them...the only answer would be to fly to my aunts and get a car rental and include a drive up to see my dad from there...i would need a week off minimum...and a few bucks more than i have available...sigh...time to set some sort of plan in stone before it is too little too late...
so 2 hours iinto my morning, my work for the day is done...now i get to putter for 6 hours...of course i still have to get and process the mail, but that is about it...sigh...also, there is a couple thousand envelopes to be stuffed as i have time...yippee...
i just learned from my dad, who is online after 1 am, his time, that my aunt who has been terribly ill with emphysema, on her worse day, was notified that a lung(s?) is available...she is now post op and so far doing fine...i will have to wait to get the details from my mother tomorrow as she is there with her...good news all in all...
i suppose i could decide what to read next...or put another cd in...i just got a few new ones...kd's ingenue, actually a replacement for my copy that the BG messed up...i cannot imagine ever not listening to this cd...
i also got a compilation called cocktails for two: romance with a twist...i did not like that as much as i thought i would on first listen, but it is perfect for writing or for music when others are sleeping...it has a lot of arthur lyman and quite a varied assortment of other lounge music...
i am now listening to olu dara...i am not sure this is his most recent cd, but it is called in the world: from natchez to new york...i first heard of him on a starbucks compilation called patio mixer (a cd i adore, btw) which has his song 'your lips' on it...he goes on in that song to his gf telling her he lied when he told her it was her pretty dress that attracted him to her...then confesses it was her juicy lips...i have searched in vain for the lyrics so i could share them here...i will have to listen repeatedly and write them out...his music is very matter of fact, this is my life...some bluesy and some jammin...not rally sure where to classify...
the 4th cd isgreat jazz vocalists sing ellington and strayhorn...have to listen to it more, but the first listen was ok...might be another cd good for writing...
i am seeing an all too familiar theme going on here...though i ust say, any time i have felt this in the past, i have never seen it going on...i have always seen the pattern after the fact...i feel i should remind myself of my number one rule (when not in a comitted relationship of 4 years)...
no expectations = no disappointments
i do not know where i lost sight of this rule, or when it might have shifted rule numbers with number 9,764...but i suppose it really should still be number one...i think i would still reflect on the non-greener grass, but i would be in a more let it go, it's all good frame of mind...
of course, i do still maintain this...it's all good...
saturday morning and i awake to an empty bed...the house is pretty quiet...i know everyone is here, but still it must be rather early...maybe 8:30...
I faintly hear the BG puttering about, but not doing anything loud...this is such a nice switch...we are in the middle of a remodel so for it to be quiet on a weekend morning is very unusual...i love it when my body is allowed to wake up on its own schedule...
it is so different having this feeling of solitude in an empty bed and empty bedroom...peaceful and rather relaxed...
to offer a contrast, we can both be in the bedroom,,,we can both be in the bed...when we are, lately, it is a loneliness i am not at all happy about...it makes me somewhat sad to feel it, yet i feel powerless to change it...
it is not just the lacking sex...there is limited closeness...maybe no intimacy, though it depends on how intimacy is defined and my definition is rather fluid...i have grown used to it i suppose, resigned maybe, to the fact that this is just how we will be...how we will go on...
it contradicts many things i want, or think i want...i know i love her everytime i look into her eyes...i believe she is genuine in her love for me...how do you discuss an issue like this and not subsequently wonder if things are forced?
just saw this contest and thought others might want to submit, though sharing it with the dykewriter's ring greatly reduces my chances...check it out!!
well i was plus one...all in all not as bad as i thought...does this mean i can know that a half gallon of that evil stuff will add a pound? i think i might reserve that thought for further research...anyway, i will buckle down this week and see what i can do if i actually make a concerted effort...it's a new day...
so it is friday again...which means the noontime ww meeting...of course last friday was a good day and i mentioned how much i was liking friday...here, the scales have not even happened and i have that nagging sense of foreboding...i am pretty sure i will either be even, with no loss, or might have a gain...that damn evil blue bell birthday cake ice cream has to factor in to the equation somewhere...not that i regret eating it...it really was that yummy...i need to either not buy it for a while, or find it available in a pint...
you know, i have ben and jerry under control...i grew up in upstate new york, a mere 2 hours from their corporate home and factory...i worked for a couple of years for grand union, a grocery chain...my best friend also worked there in the office and when the b&j delivery driver came, usually weekly, he always had promotional stuff for is a s well as anywhere from 6-12 unmarked sample cartons...i can buy b&j and eat a spoonful of it here and there...a pint might last a few weeks...
maybe the next time i get the evil ice cream, it will be this way...or maybe i just will not get it...i suppose i should not make a rash judgement before meeting...
there is a shift going on within me right now...perhaps several shifts...i can feel it...the shift will in the end be positive results, but i always find in intrigueing to give some consideration to what the consequences will be...i hate to play the 'what if' game, so i do not obsess over what consequences will befall me...i like to consider it as being more fully aware of potential for fallout...
i think i began this blog after i began work on the database from hell...the *dbfh* was a 3000+ name mailing list of international compannies...not only am i NOT a typist, though i think i manage just fine, I am not proficient in either DOS or the many other languages these addresses were in...doing countries who are english speaking was not too bad, but it took me countless hours over several months to enter just less than half of this damn *dbfh*...
finally, someone felt sorry enough for me to find a company that actually does nothing but data entry and suggested to the bossman that the *dbfh* be farmed out as my time is more valuable to 'us' in other areas...
he went for it i am happy to say and last week got it back...
the bossman had sent them the entire dbfh...
what did he do upon receiving it back??
c'mon, take a wild guess...
he merged it into the file i had slaved away at for months...thus creating dupes of roughly half the file...
he handed me the file path to the *dbfh* and asked me to go through and delete the dupes...and has no clue how it is there are so many as it was from a reputable source...
i have spent the better part of this afternoon and part of tomorrow as well revisiting the *dbfh*..."ctrl-u, arrow down, arrow down...", repeat...repeat...repeat...
no problem getting up this morning...we went by fitzgeralds to see what time gf was going to start and that was around 8...they said they would probably get started around 10-1030...we decided that is just a little late for a work night because we were ready then...we had already killed some time at half price books, the pool hall, the magick cauldron, and having some dinner, so killing another 2 hours and remaining unsleepy would have been a challenge...
the BG asked me what i would do if i was alone...i told her i would likely go to b&n and grab a few magazines or books, sit and read, and then head back around 10...i do not think this was the answer she wanted to hear...she had a pained look on her face...one that clearly said i was out of my freaking mind if i thought she would want to do that...of course, this is not what i thought, but it is not what she asked either...
we then went by the multiplex theater hoping to see road to perdition...by this time it was 830 and the next viewing of this movie was at 950...so we decided instead to head home and watch a video...i even got to pick...i dug out the first highlander movie...woohoo...not seen it in a while and since i get to pick often and i did not want to abuse the priveledge by making the BG watch my darling lara croft again, i picked connor macleod...mmmhmmm...
the BG fell asleep after about an hour, and i made it to right around ramirez getting killed...glad i could just stop the tape and did not pay to see a movie i might have been snoozing on...
