Life is not always fair. Or logical. Or pretty and nice.
This is my personal outlet for emotions that might otherwise be unleashed in an inappropriate manner.
Let it be known that "the BG" is my girlfriend whom I adore...the BabeGoddess, regardless of what I might be bitching about at any given moment within the walls of my blog.
"People can keep a journal to record their life, their thoughts, their happiness, the events of their families,
etc. They can also keep a journal of creative observations, their hopes, their ideas and dreams, as Leonardo da Vinci
did. He always had a notebook hanging from his belt to record his observations. I have one constantly in my
pocket and on my night table. We must be the source of good ideas and dreams for a better world. We are part of
evolution." -- ROBERT MULLER
"The defining characteristic of the literary vocation may be that those who
possess it experience the exercise of their craft as its own best reward, much superior to anything they might gain
from the fruits of their labors." from Letters to a Young Novelist by Mario Vargas Llosa
"The irony of life is not that you cannot forget but that you can." --Gertrude Atherton, 'Can Women Be Gentlemen'
Friday, January 31, 2003
i just realized that in less than a week i could be the winner of the writer's digest contest...of course i still maintain no expectations, but i had a fleeting fantasy...i received an official rejection letter yesterday for a piece i submitted which i though did not quite match the call for submission, but depending on the person reviewing and how much they received, who could know for sure? anyway, i just ripped it in half and threw it away with the rest of the junk mail as a matter of habbit and then realized, after it was trash contaminated, that i should have kept it...in keeping with the new interest in buddhism i release the attachment...~~~~~~~~
there it went...point tracking journal is sitting on my desk reminding me that i really do not want more to eat just because i know it is there...also, i brought in two clementines which were perched in the fridge atop my sandwich and someone ate them!! can you believe it...good thing i am not starving...i was going to put a not on the fridge telling whoever that i hoped they enjoyed them, but last week there was a box of them that someone bought in for fair game eating so i can see where someone might have thought they were available food...is it gonna fuck with my karma if i leave the note...hmmmmmmmmmm...
i have been coasting through weight watchers these past few weeks...throughout the holidays i managed to basically tread water and remain even which was really good...however, that has turned into complacency and now i have begun a downward slide...this week i intend to be the point nazi and turn this around...everything that passes my lips will be written down on my point tracking paper...a woman in my regular group has been at it slightly longer than me and has lost 86 pounds!!! go nancy...she is so very casual about it...a friend of hers, chrissy, has lost 56 pounds!!! they are inspiring because their excitement is genuine...i can appreciate the excitement as i have it when i can shop for eileen fisher clothing and buy a 1x not 3 x and have it fit properly...that is after losing 25 pounds...i do not yet have the ambition to exercise, which would allow me to be lazier about the point tracking, so i must be the point nazi...i can do this...really...i can...
enough of that...one of the things responsible for the shift of focus away from ww is this journey into buddhism...it makes clarity more present, and seems distractions in reality are fewer, yet it has genuinely distracted my focus away from ww...i am just going to find a way to balance the two as i do not see either being retired anytime soon...
It can be so very frustrating having something to say, and not being able to get into blogger…but I suppose it is still the best answer to not having to wait until one gets home and may have totally lost whatever it was that had to be said…have I lost it already? Maybe…throwing open a word doc will just have to suffice…there is so much still flying though my head…I am appreciating more each day this journey into Buddhism and where it is leading me…
one thing that it has lead to is a writing class I am taking through a women’s sanctuary group here in Houston…the class will study the writings of Rumi and then write in response to them…I was not at all familiar with him before the Buddhism class…but the texts for that class both cite his work and others in the group offer Rumi quotes throughout the discussion boards…I think too, the class will firm up more form issues for my own poetry…I think it will be interesting all around and I will meet up to 12 new people too…
another tie in to the Buddhism class is the awakening retreat with hitaji…I think I will come away from that with something great…not quite sure what, but if she can move me as just a radio personality, then the real experience should be rather intense…pleasantly so, I hope…it is a fragrance free weekend…not sure how I feel about that…
last night, the brother-in-law came over for a haircut…he has recently gone through an ordeal with a person that he and his wife considered family who basically screwed them over…I found it all disconcerting that he is so attached to the anger that I could offer no solace whatsoever…I in turn, just had to let all of that go because it was so much not my issue…but keeping it would cause undue stress...i am learning!!
so now...i am finally able to post...not sure what was up with blogger this morning...
i should have known when i walked in the office door this morning that something was odd...the boss is off to a conference for the day and with him one of the editors...the other editor is off at another event for a few days...this means there is an odd quality to the inter office relations...the dragon lady will be quiet in terms of her volume...this is always appreciated...the other 2 editors, both of whom do more work than their absent and senior counterparts, will both strut just a little as if they are more important during the absence...
i, on the other hand, have this overwhelming sense of not getting my work done...i think in actuality, i am getting it done adequately and lately have had less me time while at work...still there is a niggling feeling that i am totally forgetting something i am responsible for...i haven't a clue what this might be, but i guess i can just let the feeling go and wait for it to hit the fan, if indeed i am forgetting something...if i am forgetting nothing, which is highly possible, i suppose i am in the groove and there are no worries...
work has seemed more busy lately...i am not sure how much more i am actually doing, or is more that i am actually focused on...i began this class on buddhism and have taken a concerted effort approach, doing a small 15 minute sitting meditation each morning before i jump into my day...i have been somewhat clearer about things, so i suppose it helps and will keep at it to see how consistent it can become and if it will then become more beneficial...
not a whole lot else going on...trying to solidify my new lesbian newsletter a little more anthinking about beginning to read Anna Karenina for the next class i am taking...i wonder still if i will be able to get into the reading for that class, or if i will end up blowing it off...
odd to have already been here at work for half an hour...i got up this morning to a huge mess as auunt flo decided during the night to grace me with her presence...she...has arrived...burgers on the grill tonight maybe...need some iron...of course, caffeine might do in a pinch...i will see how i feel at noontime...
class is going well...i am learning that the ideas and ideals of buddhism are something i have been steeped in consciously for about the last 5 years or so...maybe even longer...i could say perhaps 7 years...it is hard to identify the time frame when i first began to have the small realizations...around when i met my friend trisha i suppose...i will need to write her and see when exactly that was...i am so bad about dates...i have to email her regardless because she is planning on getting married in oct and vegas and that is one of our little side trips this year so i need to get info...
what a good experience this buddhism class is...i am thoroughly enjoying the content and the system of it as well as meeting people from all over with a common interest...i am actually ahead and after the first day's deluge of introductions i thought i would never be able to keep up...once the bulk of them were read however, i find it east to stay caught up with everything and have been doing the reading as i go with no struggle...i am going to begin a class on Anna Karenina and only hope i can manage the reading for that as it is a huge book...but nonetheless, one i have always wanted to read...i have not yet decided if i will finish it regardless or let it slide if i am not enjoying it...likely the latter...
i have begun combing over posts froom thes blog in an effort to document certain things by doing an expanded writing on them or perhaps a more formal writing...some ideas to even spin into something more...it is amazing to me how stuff as recent as a month ago seems so distant from who i feel i am today...i find myself questioning did i really feel that...and i know the answer is yes, i did...i read something particularly emotional, do a breath counting exercise or meditation, and it seems so clear how tense i was about certain things when i thought i was not...
work definitely needs to be relegated to unimportant...i think i have done a good job of shifting to that way of thinking since the holiday break...it just is not important enough to take up my energy as it had the last week before xmas...i decided while i was out that i was just going to come in, do my job to the best of my ability, and go home...no personal investment, and no taking people's attitudes personally...this seems to be workiing in my favor...
my other deep concern is all the talk of impending war...regardless of who this might be with, my concern, while yes, peace is a better alternative for everyone, war would certainly affect me on a personal level as my youngest would most surely have to come back to live with me...i am not sre how i would deal with this...of course he is welcome, he is my son and i love him dearly...his presence, however greatly shifts the dynamics of the household and he is very demanding of my attention...i find it exhausting...i have been trying to focus my meditation toward one for global peace and trying to not dwell on how this affects me personally...
last night the BG and i had to go to our company's annual conference's cocktail reception...had a few beers, she had oj as she had a bit of wine the night before and was feeling like she might be coming down with something (she is, because i feel like that this morning...)...it was, as usual, a very dry crowd, but the point of it is for them to be networking, so from that point, yes it was a success...
after that we had a 730 dinner reservation at house in the heights...dinner there is a three hour experience as the chef, patrick, does everything from scratch as you go...we got there a little early and he had been doing an offsite catering job so he had just arrived also...after we were at our table, he said he had to go put our bread in the oven as it had been rising the last couple of hours so we were catching up and exchanging office gossip since we had not been together in a couple of days...our bread came out and patrick told us our menu...smoked potato and black bean soup with cilantro and danish bleu...baby field grren salad with a vinaigrette topped with pan fried potstickers, and of our three dinner choices, we both opted for the pork tenderloin with a fresh cranberry sauce served with some sauteed spinach and potatoes...some of the potatoes were riced and sprinkled with feta...all lovely and divine...let us not forget the custard pecan pie we had for dessert...
ok...i am into this online class stuff...if you haven't yet tried it, check out b and n uni...i am signed up for a free class on buddhism in everyday life...most excellent...i like the format and highly recommend it and my class just began today!! it is self paced and there is plenty of opportunity for discussion...
now i have to discipline myself to NOT look during work hours...at least not when i have work to do!!
omigod...i just realized and likely would have sooner if i was speaking to him, that today is my oldest son's birthday...my baby is 18...happy birthday kiddo...
tuesday morning dawns to the beating of my hand against the alarm clock...roll over...snooze a little...the dog kept watch last night on the couch thinking that the BG would be coming home any minute...poor baby...she will be home tomorrow...i would take him downtown tonight to see her if i could figure out how to get him to the 24th floor of the hyatt in an inconspicuous manner...or better yet, maybe she will come home and surprise me with a visit...yes, the dog would like that very much...now how do i make that happen??
The series of poems this comes from is having a rebirth...not only did i choose the following as the title of the new houston lesbian magazine (ok, so calling it a magazine is at this point just a little ambitious), but two of them were chosen for publication in "Gayety" a queer humor print 'zine in Philadelphia...go me...
Emerald Pillows Glorious green her breasts so soft
Like precious jewels that swell to form
Pillows to rest my weary head
of my to-dos for this past weekend, i decided the name for my little lesbo magazine will be emerald pillows...i suppose i should say Emerald Pillows...At least one task has been accomplished...I might take my last hour today at work to think about creating a template in quark, then when i get home, i can actually create this template...hmmm...
one of the things i decided last year to implement in the new year (2002) I have actually gotten around to implementing this year...I have decided to indulge myself and order a magazine subscription each month...i actually started this in october with Sunset, and in November I added Metropolitan Home (sorry i could not find a link that was not for subscribing)...in december i renewed my subscription to Real Simple, and in January I think i sent in a thing for Oprah...
I decided i will do this for magazines i really enjoy reading...we get one here at work called Veranda which I like, actually the boss gets it and takes it home, unlike the many others he leaves on the break room table...it is very foofooey and i think of it as the mag i will need when i hit the lottery...definitely one for dreaming...once the kitchen is done i am going to begin subbing to a few cooking mags i like, saving up for Good Food which comes from the UK...i am not sure what the int'l rate for that is, so it might remain on the browse at b and n list...
I might go to b and n tonight and do some browsing for february's pick...
another monday morning arrives...i was here early this morning, nearly an hour ago...where does the time go...this week, for the most part, i am in the office solo...it is our annual international conference which is held downtown...i think the bossman will be on site until thursday afternoon, and the dragon lady might be out the full week, though i imagine she might be here on friday...it will be nice and quiet...
i am taking a class at b and n uni online which begins on wednesday on buddhism and another which begins feb 5th on Anna Karenina so i have brought the books with me to fill the time between harried phone calls from exhibitors and attendees...and i do have a wee bit of work...not much though for the time frame...
i forgot to grumble about the backslide in my ww progress...i suppose i forgot because i have a lot of other stuff on my mind at the moment...i think it is impossible to be disciplined over the holidays, so i have not scolded myself excessively for it...i have however, resolved to once again track every morsel of food or drink that crosses my lips and ~~STOP!!!~~at 28 points daily...back in the groove...that is where i need to be...
ahhhhhhh...friday...i like it...i am hoping this weekend to decide on a name for my new project...i am starting a local lesbian newsletter/magazine and hope to have the first issue out in march...i am not looking for this to become a major source of income, but rather to get some networking going...all of the local publications available are so boy heavy it is nauseating...i realize that this is because boys are doiing most of the work and that there is less active lesbian participation...i thought about trying to get involved with the existing outlets, but feel it will be easier to start something fresh and see where it goes...i would not be opposed to eventually being more regional and perhaps, then national...global...i could take over the universe on behalf of lesbians everywhere...
ahem...i was kidding...
so anyway, i am trying to decide on a name...i own a list called OUTspoken and have thought of using that name, and i also like lesbiana, and in scanning some of my poetry i hit on the idea of using emerald pillows from this series of poems...you will have o scroll down as i do not know how to take you specifically to the poem using a link...i am going to think on it some more this weekend and hopefully reach a decision by sunday evening...
also on my to do list for this project is to see what it will cost to print on the size and color of paper i want...i am going to check kinko's and also copy.com...i am hoping that copy.com might barter for a mention or ad/coupon space...i want to also write a couple of standard letters for requesting info from various organizations...and maybe set up a template for the first issue...i think too, draft a letter to a local lesbian doc i have seen to see if she might consider being a health column contributor, either q and a or les health info...
i suppose i need to get to work, but the caffeine has not yet kicked in...i am not a coffee drinker, and coke, pepsi, chocolate or other sources of caffeine have never noticeably affected me...i drink a lot of team and have also never noticed a jump from it...that is, until i discovered black currant loose tea, which i get at cost plus...
the first time i had itm the BG and i had been out shopping and picked some up to try a different flavor than whatever was out norm at the time...bu the time we got home and settled in, i had not given the tea any more thought...around 11 pm, i was getting ready for bed and thought about a nice cup of tea...i was already sleepy, but once i thought about having it, i went about fixing some, and decided i would hop online and check my email...
my email was and my tea brewed...i was sipping tentatively as it was hot, and my mouth lit up at the flavor...it was fruity, yet still a very subtle tea...i added no sugar because i wanted to taste the tea as it came, and i liked it just as it was...
by the time i finished my cup of tea, i was feeling different...it had not soothed me further toward sleep, but rather quite the opposite, it woke me up in a way i had never experienced...my heart was racing in my chest and i was wired...i had experienced a rush of energy and i was not at all sure i liked the feeling...of course i knew i was ready for bed otherwise after being up since 6 am, and i also knew i would be up for the following day again at 6...my schedule had absolutely no bearring on any of this...i was awake...
i went to my list of things to write about and knocked out 2 of them...when i next looked at the clock, it was 430 in the morning...i was still awake, but i thought i would be able to sleep, so i went to bed...the alarm went off at 6 and i was once again awake and ready for the day...i suffered no ill affects after the fact, though i had the idea that making this a habit would not be wise...
now i enjoy a cup of black currant each morning whae i get to work...i try to not have a second cup, though i did yesterday and was truly wired...i also do not usually have it after noon...it is a nice salutation to my senses by way of alerting them to the tasks presented each day...
well...here are the 3 liners...i still have to tweak them and reflect on what they mean and where they came from...i see already that a few might mean umm...absolutely nothing...
Random titles
Cold Eyes Darkness looms so thinly veiled
A pathway to your cavernous soul
Frozen wilderness leads the way
Ravaged Stone Epiphany dawns from countless abuse
Your heart so tight no beauty shines
The time is here for tides to turn
The Wild Healer Healing power in her touch
Freely given uncontrolled
Making room for cosmic peace
The Weeping of the Voyagers Journeys longer than time allows
One by one they pass through death
Tears of sorrow sink their ship
Butterfly in the Legend Her wings beat forth desire’s rhythm
Floating on air traversing time
Random yet definite her purpose to heal
No Secret Short chunky strands fling about her head
Tattooed and pierced she’ll likely be
Desire reflected in mirrored choices
The Broken Flames Leaping forth above the coals
Passionless, disconnected souls
Yearning still for desires untold
The Wind of the Soul Soft and subtle breezes flow
Comfort found from one caress
Of breath exhaled, desires met
The Flame's Consort Dangerous, paths mustn’t cross
Dancing flame climbs higher still
Cold and wet the water quells
The Slithering Vision Random pathways fraught from fear
Daylight dwindles darkness nears
Slippery presence no one hears
Woman in the Waves Salty, splashing to and fro
Every chance I take to go
Join her there, for balance
Absent Name Fuck me senseless
Left defenseless
No longer restless
The Dragon's Kiss These lips breathe fire, best beware
I’ll singe your last fine pussy hair
Unless of course you present it bare
The Female of the Men Of the men, she is the strongest of mind
Of the men, in her wake they will be, behind
Of the men, she leads a victory dance
The Cracked Bride He’ll take her back and trade her in
Her preference clear, she fancies me
Another ruined, beyond his grasp
The Flight of the Roses Transported there from climates warm
The fragrant dances through the storm
To melt her heart forgiveness begged
Bridges of Silence Worse than walls they’re built too fast
Silence, your weapon has been cast
Bridges crossed when walking away
Wild Consort This facet dead, sadly I know
Imminent return, hope still flows
As freely as your passion did
hmmm...our friend, (well really the BG's friend and mine by default) P, planned...again...to have dinner with us this evening...we have not seen her in a while...well, she is just not feeling up to it...again...and she has cancelled...we had nothing formal planned, maybe a pizza and some veggies on the grill...what is up with her anyway...
well, i suppose for me it is a good thng...i cut the shit out of the BG's hair earlier this week and hilited it and she looks so incredibly hot...i told her she owed me 2 action flicks, one of which we will see tonight...in addition, it is back to taco milagro for dinner...i really like this place...
i first went there a few weeks back with B & I and i really enjoyed the chicken tamales...i had them again when i went there with the BG last week and i might try something different tonight...or...i might not...tres yum regardless...
i need to develop a plan of attack for getting shit done today, or anyday...no, maybe i will not and just blog about it...hmmm...i might be onto something...
-throw out near dead pointsettia
-water remaining pointsettia
-enter new subscribers to database
-mail them their damn magazine so they will quit calling and bitching
-finish survey comments, or at least pretend to work toward that end
-enter circle number magazine codes for 3 seperate issues...hah...just a little behind in that, yes sir, i am on it...
-answer piddly crap mail
-clear all other bullshit off my desk
-rotate to storage 2002 subscription requests
-discard xmas cards
-throw tree in a box to take home
-start purging and personal crap stashed away in my desk to prepare for possible exit, someday...maybe...
it finally feels like monday...wow...i actually know what day it is...i had a couple of clients lined up yesterday and did get to do them, if not a little bit late...i got up in the morning to the BG telling me she was off to work to get it over with...alll i heard was work which translated to it not being sunday...about an hour later, the time i was to arrive to my client's home, i was putting some wash in and i had the thought that i nned to do all the laundry as it is sunday and the week begins anew tomorrow...dingdingding...
jump in the shower...answer cell phone as i am drying off...yes, good morning...dry my hair and be on my way...client s was on her second cup of coffee and glad for the extra hour to wake up...her gf v was just getting to her first cup and i think thay...ummmm...appreciated the extra hour...ahem...
i just went in and edited the list of titles to remove two i just did not like...i am half way through the effort of writing this series, so maybe i will have it up here sooner than wednesday...
so i was a slacker and did not do the three liners...it was an idea an i will get to it maybe this weekend but by wednesday definitely...maybe...i mostly am now recovering from the trauma of my son's visit and his departure where i fell face first in the parking lot...a bit too painful to be considered comical, but it was comical i suppose...i am ok today, but for some aches in my chest...rest, i need rest...unfortunately, i need to catch up some work over the weekend, and do the BG's hair for her lest she revolt and go to someone else...i also have appointments with clients tomorrow, so if i did them without doing her, my name would be mud...off to the supply store for foil...woohoo...
one of the resolutions i sot of made was to use this blog to better define myself as a writer, being a member of dykewrite and all...one of the gems i found in surfing the ring a while back was the random title generator...i like the idea of this because i have a series of 3 line poems i am particularly fond of which came from an exercise where i was given a list of titles and challenged to write a 3 line poem for each...
tonight i came up with the following list...please cut and paste it and take the above mentioned challenged and either email me with your results or maybe link them in the comments to this post...and by all means have fun...i will post mine by friday at the latest...
Random titles
Cold Eyes
Ravaged Stone
The Wild Healer
The Weeping of the Voyagers
Butterfly in the Legend
No Secret
The Broken Flames
The Wind of the Soul
The Flame's Consort
The Slithering Vision
Woman in the Waves
Absent Name
The Dragon's Kiss
The Female of the Men
The Cracked Bride
The Flight of the Roses
Bridges of Silence
Wild Consort
the first day of 2003 has almost come to a close...it seems so surreal than new year's eve has passed with absolutely no hint of celebration...somehow that feels appropriate...
a friend just said to me, "i recommitted to work, but with my own goals not theirs..."
the above statement is also true for me...i am not sure i could have so easily summed it up so succinctly, but that statement certainly covers the bases of my feelings on the subject...it is difficult to define adequately exactly what my goals are for staying in my current job...the primary motivation to remain there has been aleviating old debt, mostly that which came with leaving my marriage...that will all be tied up in april...it is still something i am somewhat in shock over as it initially seemed insurmountable...
with that debt gone, the reasons for working will take a definite shift...i have been reading and researching a bit about artist's colonies, and the idea of taking a month long retreat somewhere to indulge myself as a writer has gained appeal...i am still not certain how this will pan out into reality, but it is definitely a reason to stay employed where i am and make some $$...create a nest egg i suppose...
if there is no pressure to pay a loan, i think the work environment can take on less importance...this is my direction...while i was sitting there monday getting things caught up, i reconfirmed to myself that it is really not a bad place to work if i keep myself parceled off and detached form the environment there...i think i can do this successfully, and manage to get some money socked away for travel, etc...it is just not worth the aggravation and emotion i was feeling before the break...if that begins to build again, i will leave there after my debt slate is cleared...
