Life is not always fair. Or logical. Or pretty and nice.
This is my personal outlet for emotions that might otherwise be unleashed in an inappropriate manner.
Let it be known that "the BG" is my girlfriend whom I adore...the BabeGoddess, regardless of what I might be bitching about at any given moment within the walls of my blog.
"People can keep a journal to record their life, their thoughts, their happiness, the events of their families,
etc. They can also keep a journal of creative observations, their hopes, their ideas and dreams, as Leonardo da Vinci
did. He always had a notebook hanging from his belt to record his observations. I have one constantly in my
pocket and on my night table. We must be the source of good ideas and dreams for a better world. We are part of
evolution." -- ROBERT MULLER
"The defining characteristic of the literary vocation may be that those who
possess it experience the exercise of their craft as its own best reward, much superior to anything they might gain
from the fruits of their labors." from Letters to a Young Novelist by Mario Vargas Llosa
"The irony of life is not that you cannot forget but that you can." --Gertrude Atherton, 'Can Women Be Gentlemen'
Friday, May 30, 2003
a day to accomplish miscallaneous shit...
yesterday, we had our first 100 degree day of the season and i was liking it so well...nothing motivates me more than the heat of the sun...of course there are times when i overdo it and it wears me down and tires me out, but in general, it is very energizing to me...today has hit 99, and likely 100 somewhere in houston...i got up this morning and took the BG to work so i could use her car...i had heard of a little coffeehouse near her work with lunchtime live music and i wanted to take her there...
i got home from dropping her off and did the pussy to the sun ritual again...it was equally refreshing and recharging and i enjoyed it immensely...heat of the morning sun burning directly into my molten center...it was truely delightful...
then i came in and cooled off a little before jumping into the shower to get ready for my babygrrl...i then zipped over to get her and we went to the elix coffeehouse to listen to what was advertised as 'latin beats and jazz standards'...hah...while it was somewhat enjoyable for its offbeat quirkiness...they played nothing but twangy contry crrrrrrap...to their credit, 'double coyote' was one member short which might have affected what they were playing, and i did hear them discussing requests with other patrons...i will have to check them out again sometime as they have a standind friday lunch gig...
i then dropped the BG off and something told me that it was time to update my driver's license...it's only been a year since we moved...this is hopefully the last place i will reside for some time...it was just time...also, i had my social security card from when i was 18, or thereabouts, so i also switched it to my maiden name finally...i was expecting that to be a huge ordeal, but it was not at all, and only 10 bucks...also, i registyered to vote...huh...only been here 5 years...already missed a few elections...the last time i registered to vote was in ny when i was 18 and could vote for my father when he ran for town justice...
if all that was not enough, i also stopped at walmart...i have not been in one for about 4 years...i swore them off when i discovered target...actually maybe even before i discovered target...i simply hate walmart...it is a consistant variety of skank that i cannot tolerate...i was prompted to go back because we wanted to get two simple web lawn chairs...the only thing close i had found was about 30 bucks at target and they were just a little more extravagant than what i wanted...i wanted cheap-don't-care-if-they-make-it-more-than-a-season chairs for the beach...walmart had them for 7.99 and thay are even roomy enough for thick grrl hips...i also went to the garden area and bought 4 plants for 4.97 each...one hanging and one shade...the rest floral for full sun...i will let the BG direct their transplanting and even do the work if she wants...
i was going to stop and browse some pooches, but i decided it would be more prudent to get my car back on the road and legal first...if the pooch crosses my path we will make it work out, but i thought sensibly and it can wait...
something is different this morning...i am not yet sure exactly what that something is as it is still rather early...i actually just had the feeling moments ago...maybe i will get my features done today...that would certainly be a perk...i am going to yoga, then to a new gay owned place for lunch which i will review if i like it well enough...it is a chinese/vietnamese restaurant which has been open a month or so...after i eat i am going to stroll to the other end of the complex which is the new gay bookstore/cafe and sit and write til it is time to pick up the BG...if the writing is just not happening, i will check in at one of the shelters to see if my pooch is there waiting to meet me...
tonight we are going to an open house that one of the printers the BG uses is having...that will be brief, followed by dinner somewhere, and then maybe a stop to hear a lesbian acoustic guitarist/singer at the vintage bar...full day, though nothing rushed about it...just how all my days should be...
i just finished my morning hour of sun therapy...the way the back yard is, i can get the morning sun, facing it, and i was reminded this morning how lovely it is to have the sun on my exposed pussy...i wore a pair of soft cotton shorts that are very baggy and let the leg sag down offering my pussy to the sun...it was very nice...
the first time i experienced this sensation, i was on vacation in upstate ny, where my folks live...when i visit there, i stay at the whiteface chalet because my mom is good friends with the owner and she ives me an excellent rate...it is a nice complex though the mattresses suck...we stay in room 21 and that is on the upper floor, which has a nice dech which runs around the building...after being at the pool for a few hours one day, i had showered and put on a tank style dress...i saw that there was still afternoon sun on the deck side so i went out with my book to sit in the sun while it lasted and read...i pulled the chair closer to the rail and put my feet up so i could recline by tipping the chair back...in doing this, my dress sagged down and my pussy was getting full sun...no-one was there at the time, but anyone passing by would not have seen anything risque...it felt deleriously good and my book was soon forgotten...
i started thinking instead of the night before when i had consumed many margaritas at casa and then seduced my bestest friend in my attempt to confirm that i was indeed a lesbian...soon enough i was ready to let the sun's rays fuck my heated up pussy, if only it could have...instead, i settled for calling my friend in from the pool to give her more...umm...i mean to reconfirm my lesbian-ness while sober...yes, i was, am, will be forever more, a "dyke bitch carpet muncher" (to quote my wasband)...
so, anyway...i have been thinking a lot about the past nine years and what pride means to me...i really want to write it up for the pride issue of EP, but i am not sure the words for it are there...i will come up with something, but where do i start...maybe i should not allow myself general hospital until i get it written...hah...i will go and just begin writing...something will come of it...it always does...
i just finished the book "good in bed" by jennifer weiner and i have linked her blog as a daily read...the book has been sitting on my to read shelf for a couple of months now and i picked it up on saturday afternoon...i have pretty much read straight through...i feel this book is a must read for all thick girls...there is just something appealing about it and i was doubly delighted that Cannie's mom is a learned-late-in-life lesbian...that was a perk...the whole way through i imagined the actress from the nbc series 'less than perfect' which costars eric roberts and miss parker from 'the pretender' series...i thoroughly enjoyed this book...
also today, the BG and i went to get some lunch at empire cafe where i had the most incredible pecan crusted flattened chicken breast...it was accompanied by some grilled vegetables and mashed potatoes with an equally delightful sauce...while eating we decided to go sww a movie, 'dancing upstairs' which was something i cannot quite describe...it was very good...i really liked it...it was a movie i had to pay attention to and will likely see again on video at some point...
we had an hour or so to kill between movie and lunch so we went to borders for some magazine reading where i checked out rossi's column called 'eat me' in bust magazine...rossi is linked to the left...
i decided this evening that i am going to redouble my efforts to write productively each day...i think this will best be acheived if i do it first thing in the morning so we shall see where it goes...i have a to-write-about list so it is not like i will be stuck fr a topic...
so i have this dog thing going on right now...one of the things we did while out yesterday afternoon was go by the spca to see what they had available for small dogs...the smallest was bigger than what i want...i want small...less than 10 pounds...well, maybe 15 lb maximum...i want a lap dog that will not crush my chest when s/he curls up with me...i also think sawyer will not have issues with a dog smaller than him...hopefully...i told the BG that i will just know when the right dog crosses my path...
i am going to check another shelter i know of tomorrow...
what an odd day it was yesterday...the BG and i were both brought to the front yard when we heard raucous barking two houses down...we do not know any of our neighbors...well, from living here off and on for most of the past 30 years, the BG knows some of the neighbors, but *we* do not know any of them personally, not even the dyke next door...
the barking was two loose rotweilers on the front lawn 2 doors down, not letting the mailman deliver the mail...i think he just opted to skip it no problem, but i thought it was odd as i had never seen these dogs before, and the BG, who walks her dog daily, had also never seen them...she said that they looked like they had their hind quarters shaved...
once the barking subsided, we stood looking at the dogs a few moments more...one had retreated to the shade of the front porch and the other was rolling on his back in the grass appearing happily silly...i could see then that what seemed shaved, was actually rubbed blood raw, likely from fleas...the dog looked otherwise totally healthy...also, the dogs were behaving like they lived there...
we went out during the afternoon for some lunch, and when we arrived home, there was a squad car sitting in the road, with the officers inside watching the dogs, still roolling on the grass...we again watched for a mooment or two and went inside...that was around 5 oclock i think and we then thought nothing of it...
around 9 pm we decided to go to the gogirls show and when we wnt outside there were no dogs, nor was there a squad car...night had recently fallen and it was just a sense of normalcy returning...when we left the house, we went around the corner that was near the yard the dogs had been in which is not a way we normally leave the neighborhood...i am not sure what made the BG drive this way and it was not something we discussed...as she rounded the corner i saw the two dogs lying in the ditch...she stopped and backed around to confirm that i was not seeing things and honked the horn...no reaction...we went on our way discussing if we should do anything...i mentioned that we should not get out to see further as they could be injured and still alive, perhaps hostile...we were solemnly quiet for a while as we drove to the show, but did not really discuss it further...
on the way home we drove by the corner once again, hopng that the dogs had woken up and gone home...they were still lying there...unmoved...still...
we went inside and i dug out the phone book...i called the non emergency police number...told the dispatcher i only called her because a squad car had been out there watching them earlier in the day and told her where they were...she took my name and number but i do not expect to hear anything else from the police...
this morning the BG walked her dog around the block tha way and confirmed that they are gone...a blip on the screen that we will have to wonder about...
i went to my meeting yesterday and it was just an orientation...45 minutes and i was out of there in time to make my 930 yoga class...i thought i was going to have to go in the evening or miss it altogether...the meeting was a general overview of the services available and then i was assigned a counselor who i need to make an appointment with...i have decided it could be a good thing as they might help me get on at baylor...they have clerical positions starting at 22k which is more than i will make doing hair again and also likely be better benefits...
i wish i was more sure about what i wanted to do...part of me says get the $$ and keep the lifestyle of eileen fisher clothes, eating out etc...the other part says sacrifice the $$ and alter the lifestyle...i am pretty 50/50 on this...of course the free time affords the ability to take classes, but not the $$ and the opposite is just as true...i have a hard time projecting finances further ahead than a month or so, but i think if unemployment holds, i will be able to pay off my remeining debt in the next 6 months...if i manage that, i can work part time which is the best plan...i need to find out what the cobra payment is to continue my insurance past september because that might be the way to go...
well tomorrow is the day i get to meet with my unemployment counselor for assesment...i whipped up a thoroughly unappealing resume and i have decided the best tact is to just play dumb...i am not bringing anything more than what is requested and i am not volunteering any information...i think i am going dressed for yoga, but i am not sure about that yet...certainly not playing dress up...my meeting time is 815 and yoga is at 930, so i am hoping i can make yoga...if not i will have to go tuesday night...
if all that is done in some timely fashion, i will go distribute some more copies of the may issue of emerald pillows...i also need to mail out the ones i mail which i should have done already...such a slacker...
the BG got a carpenter's cd today...greatest hits or some such thing...i hope it is a phase that passes quickly...please, somebody tell me it is just a phase...
finally...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
for the first time in nearly three months...the scale has budged and i have lost another pound...and finally, though i have stopped going to weight watcher meetings, i am at a 10% loss...29 lbs down...time now to seriously begin the next 10%...i have gotten out my week one materials and will begin again as if new...i will be disciplined...i will be a point nazi...i have not seen the delay as a bad thing because i did not gain any weight back...i maintained the loss consistently and i sorta viewed it as my body adjusting to being 28 lbs less...
i was a little discouraged that yoga did not do anything to encourage more pounds off, but then i tried on a pair of shorts that i had been unable to wear...they fit comfortaly..the yoga is shifting things...everything is fitting better so it is indeed doing something...most importantly, the yoga is shifting my calm to an even more calm place...balance...
today's chore might be to go get a dba...if i can confirm that i need to get it where i think i do, i will go get one...if not, i will make effort to confirm where i need to get one...i am pretty sure i got my last one out at the court house...i just cannot remember for certain...it was more than two years ago...too bad i cannot just get it online...
the other thing i really need to do with some urgency is get my car reistered in tx...yes, i have avoided this for 5 years now...the car is actually in my wasband's name so he has chosen to keep it registered in va, which has really been the best solution because it has been the cheapest...this year he finally sent me a poa to get it registered here...of course by finally i mean i just got it this month...the tags expired in february so i have been driving it around since then with my fingers crossed...i need to get it inspected, which will be about 50 bucks i think, and then i need to transfer the tags which i think is 60 if not 70...might have to transfer my insurance too...was alot better paying 26 bucks to renew the va tags and not need inspection...al this needs to be done on my unemployment funds, but after bills are paid...yippee...
here it is the 14th of may and i am not mired deep in depression...this is a good thing, of course...there is a general sense of avoidance...perhaps a mild depression...not avoidance of the miscarriage issue, but avoidance of stuff in general...lacadaisical (sp?) attitude toward getting through the day...i have been doing a lot of writing so i cannot say i am doing nothing, but i really need to be doing more...
each day i have decided what i will accomplish the following day...sort of a reflection after the general disgust at not having accomplished anything settles in...i recognize it, then decide that tomorrow will be different...of course tomorrow comes and it is just more of the same...with the exception of yoga, i am not getting out to do much of anything...of course, this is delineated by having close to no extra money...now that i pause a second to reflect, i see i am getting things done, just not being as efficient as i would like in keeping up the house work...laundry has been kept up, miraculously...however, there is a 3rd day pile on the couch waiting to be folded...the floors are in desperate need of sweeping...i can get it all presentable in roughly an hour or so today...make that i will get it done...the BG is out working hard and not insisting that i do the same...it is the least i can do...i will...do...it...
so...i got a notice yesterday from unemployment...next tuesday i am qualified to receive personal one on one counseling and assistance at their office...ummmm, qualified in this case means required...have to be their with my resume at 815 am...of course this means i have to whip up a resume...i might even be placed for training/retraining assistance...yippee...
sunday was such a lazy day...did a couple of hair cuts then went to lunch...came home and read and did laundry...today will be a lazy day as well...nothing on the agenda, but i will do some housewife-type chores...general cleaning stuff...normally it would be a frenzy of activity leading up to 8pm wen Alias comes on, but last sunday was the season finale, so sundays are now relegated to the realm of slugdom until the new season begins again...
also, i will get the rest of my files ready for the BG to do her thing for the May issue of EP...i have just a few small things to write up and my editor's log...
i suppose i could organize the files of writing i have transferred from the desktop to my laptop...they are sitting in my email at the moment...i am just not sure how i want to organize them or what is the best way...maybe just a folder of poetry, a folder of memoir, and a folder of fiction...that would be a start at least...
another lovely day together with the BG...as i write this, wide awake well after 1am, she is sleeping across the room, sated...her breath gently sighing in the rhythm of deep sleep that invades after...
we went this afternoon to the art car parade and walked around the staging area looking at the various works of art...there were 250 entries this year and not very many that were all that interesting...only a few were worth a second glance...beth's van was entered and that was the only one of the BG's creations that was this year...i think she will begin work on her crv soon and it will be entered next year...while we were there we saw her nephew gregand also our friend penny...it has been a while since we have seen her and we need to get together soon...of course we said that, we will make some plans for it, and then something will come up to push it off...it is just the way with her...sooner or later, usually later, we catch up...we did not stay for the actual parade, but it was nice to be out enjoying the day...
one of the reasons it was nice was that i was wearing my guava lamp tshirt...you see i got this tshirt at their 4th bday party in february when i was out with paul...the BG was in nyc with her son and paul and i went to dinner and then to a few gay bars, ending up at guava because it was their party...everyone in the place at midnight was given a free tshirt, standard fruit of the loom white, one size fits all tshirt, with the guava logo on the front...mine has been sitting on the shelf since then because it was rather clingy, not at all a flattering fit, but i was hopeful...when i pulled on my shorts this morning, they were somewhat less than snug right from the dryer...anyone who has ever lost any weight at all knows the feeling i speak of...it is an exciting moment when you feel that everything you have in reserve that has been too snug to wear is going to fit...well i was not thinking everything, but i was hoping the guava shirt would be workable...my shorts, which have been my favorites for six years, particularly because they are elasticized denim and offer some flex and give around the extra pounds, were loose...fate was working with me...it was in the 90s today and there was no way i wanted to wear another tshirt as most of the ones i own are dark colors...the guava lamp shirt is white...cotton...nice and cool on a 90 something degree day...
yes, dammit, i wore it...it was loose, cool, and comfy...i do not think i will be putting it into the dryer, but i do think i will be enjoying it all summer and until it is dingy and grey...unless, of course it becomes...ummmm...too big to wear...hah...
after the art car parade we went to cafe artiste and i had black beans and rice...second time this week...it might be one of my new favorite things...then we came home and took a nap...we had planned to go to the mosque down the street for their open house dinner, but as we walked down there, there were few cars in the lot, and there was nothing inviting about the place...no sign that said welcome or anything...so we opted to turn around and go...
instead we went back into town and split a small pizza from empire cafe, and a piece of cake...we had an invitation to a gallery opening and we were a little early for that so dinner was a good time filler...after the gallery opening, we went to boca chica for a drink...
boca chica is a new mexican cuban fusion restaurant that is lesbian owned...usually that alone is reason enough for me to like a place...something about the owners is less than gracious and i enjoy the spaces they have created, but they are not places we frequent...the food is good for what it is, but the prices are just a little too high for what you get...it is like downtown prices and the food and service just do not merit them...they have another place we like well enough too, but it is almoost the same menu and the attitude and price thing is consistent...we go to bocado's on occasion on wednesday night for a snack after meteor, but we do/will not frequnt either place as much as we would like to...
something about that less than gracious attitude...not a path to take when you want my business...
saturday morning...yesterday was quite pleasant...the BG and i went to galveston in the morning to just play in the water and get away for a couple of hours...we keep saying that we need to explore more of it and i think to get a junp on that i might plan a trip down with paul soon as he has been down to some of the gay places...we sat on the beach reading for an hour or so, yesm wuth plenty od sunscreen on...i got the slightest amount of color, and the Bg is mucho fair, got a little pink on her lower back...we opted to just get sandwixhes at home afterwards for lunch so it was a cheap little road trip...
today is the art car parade...we will go to where the cars line up before hand...there will be 250 cars in this years parade and thousands of people milling around checking them out...i think this afternoon we are meeting some new friends at tortuga pre-game for the comets game tonight...not going to the game, just meeting to hang with the lesbians...then tonight is an open house/art sale that we are going to...busy day...
oh, and maybe the lottery goddess will pick my numbers tonight...18 mil, or any part of it, would be a nice treat...
10:30 in the morning and it is already above 80 degrees...i so love living in houston...i wish the beach was just 15 minutes closer...i think we might ride down to galveston on friday and just hang out...it is still sort of pre season there so there might not be any hanging out to do, but we can explore around and see what we can come up with...
i went last friday to a discussion by hitaji and she asked me if i would help her organize a follow up meeting of our retreat group...that will be sometime soon...i am also going to barter time with her and take advantage of her life coaching skills to help me decide what i really want to do...i have recently been thinking of going back to school, and if there is financial assistance available, hitaji will know where to find it...i am so fickle when it comes to knowing what i want from life...the best answer is i want a lottery jackpot...
it's cinqo de mayo...we should be celebrating, si?i need to figure out what to mae the BG for dinner...I am thinking burgers or dogs as both are in the freezer...i just sent off an inquiry email...once she answers i will take the appropriate item out of the freezer and then go do some supplementary grocery shopping...yahoo...what an exciting eventful day...
last night, i was chatting with my oldest son...he is 18 now and has gone to try life with his biological dad...at xmas time he was rather rude to his brother and then to me, all via chat...he was talking shit about stuff he thought to be true, but truths from presumptions he had made...questions and bits of info he had that he reasoned to be truths...not truths at all...i told him this at the time, and then i went on to tell him that he should not talk or chat with me again until he could be respectful and courteous and remember it was his mother he was talking to, not one of his peers...
last night was the first i have heard from him...he is moving up oin the kitchen and will soon be on one of the cooking lines...he was stunned that i had no words of congratualtions...i asked him why he had no words of apology for his previous behavior...he said he did not think it was called for...so i went into let's be frank mode..we cleared the air about a lot of things...he had a laundry list of mom type infractions...mostly stuff he had seen glimpses of...isolated pieces of the big picture which he used to fabricate something larger...it was easy to clear up all of them...i even told him about the night i left his biological father, something i have never told anyone...
my urge to him remained to go toward a ged...his spelling is atrocious and of course he does not want to talk about it...i kept working it in to the conversation, and when i did he would bring up again why was i not pleased that he is working on to the line in a 4 star kitchen and building a resume...he slaughtered the spelling of resume so badly that i nearly missed what he meant...i explained to him my concern over the fact that his resume might mean nothing outside of lake placid if he did not have at the least a ged to back it up...he has so much to learn...he is a shit talker amidst a kitchen of shit talkers...
i feel we certainly left things on a much better note than they had been, so we shall see what comes next...
looking out the front window at the relative calm in the neighborhood...The BG asks, "are those squirrels fucking?" it was actually a mother and baby...she was introducing jr to the outside world and jr just wanted to play, but would not go more than an inch from mama's side...as sawyer, our dog, also picked up the squirrels on his radar, i could tell he wanted to just be turned ouut into the yard to make them flee...his back arched out a little and the hair stood up...he is such a cat...no low rumbling growl this time, but i think that is because he knew he would not be let out loose into the unfenced front yard...after a few minutes of squirrel gazing, he gave up and ran out the patio door to patrol the back yard...pity the squirrel who thinks he can stroll through sawyer-space...
i was reading over at cubicle girl (linked to the left) that she finally got the contract for her book deal and an advance...excellent news...motivational or affirming even...
last night we went to see groupo fantasma at the last concert cafe...it was nice to sit out under the stars and listen to them...they are a tejano and, or at least i think that is what they are...i really enjoy them and bought their cd at an earlier performance...i listen to it quite a bit and it is available at their website...there are sound clips available there too...go check them out...if you are in the austin area, where they are from, you should see them whenever you get the chance...i think they do a lot of mini tours out and about and i know they have been up and down the east coast...should be a tour date link on their site too...
tonight we were going to go to the international festival to see angelique kidjo, but i think we have dropped that plan in favor of a cheapie dinner out and some pool at the quava lamp...guave lamp is a nice little gay bar here in houston, and we discovered last week if we go early, the pool table is open and there is nearly noone there so it is relatively smoke free...i think we might have a new place to hang for here and there snatches of time...
may second and i am already distracted by what is coming later this month...i have a 'zine to get out and do not particularly want this distraction at this time...i suppose i need to make myself an ep to do list...that might help keep me on task...also, i have taken various journaling about the miscarriage and compiled the text to see if perhaps this is the year i actually write something cohesive about the incident...it has been 8 years and maybe it is finally time to lay it to rest...
tonight is a talk by hitaji at 7 and then i think we will be going to see groupo fantasma at last concert cafe...pancakes and maple blueberry sausage for an early dinner, and maybe a snack of nachos later tonight at the show...
the only thing i can think of to label how i have been feeling the past few days is syuck in neutral...i have been revving up and getting a lot of stuff done...actually been rather productive, but in unimportant ways i suppose, so really not much has been accomplished...
