Life is not always fair. Or logical. Or pretty and nice.
This is my personal outlet for emotions that might otherwise be unleashed in an inappropriate manner.
Let it be known that "the BG" is my girlfriend whom I adore...the BabeGoddess, regardless of what I might be bitching about at any given moment within the walls of my blog.
"People can keep a journal to record their life, their thoughts, their happiness, the events of their families,
etc. They can also keep a journal of creative observations, their hopes, their ideas and dreams, as Leonardo da Vinci
did. He always had a notebook hanging from his belt to record his observations. I have one constantly in my
pocket and on my night table. We must be the source of good ideas and dreams for a better world. We are part of
evolution." -- ROBERT MULLER
"The defining characteristic of the literary vocation may be that those who
possess it experience the exercise of their craft as its own best reward, much superior to anything they might gain
from the fruits of their labors." from Letters to a Young Novelist by Mario Vargas Llosa
"The irony of life is not that you cannot forget but that you can." --Gertrude Atherton, 'Can Women Be Gentlemen'
Monday, June 30, 2003
if you are in or near houston and you like fresh figs...we need to talk...drop me an email!!!
as promised in the adoption contract, miss nola and i ventured to the vet this morning...she was so well behaved...when we inquired about adopting her, the assistant we spoke to was very reluctant...she stressed what a chewer nola is and told us some of her history...initially she was turned in as a stray, and then she was adopted and returned twice because she reportedly chews everything in sight except her chew toys...this last visit has had her at special pals since april, poor thing...we were also told that she gets very depressed and traumatixed being returned so the assistant added an adendum to the contract saying we would agree to training rather than returning her a third time...
while i can appreciate that it has been just 2 days and could be jinxing things to say so, nola has chewed nothing but rawhide and toys we have bought for her...she is in the right home i suppose...also she has a wildness rep, not wanting to settle down ever...well, if i am sitting anywhere, whether reading, watching tv, or online, she is curled up beside me or in my lap...a lap dog all the way...
the vet gave her a clean bill of health and clipped her toe nails, suggesting she return in 2 weeks for another clipping and every 2 weeks to train them back to where they should be...i said no problem, of course...i think maybe on thursday i might take her to three dog bakery on thursday night for yappy hour...i think she would like it well enough...
other than that, the weekend was so much more of the same...sigh...
yesterday started for me at about 4 am...not because i had to get up early for anything in particular, but because i just could not sleep...i ended up getting just under 4 hours of sleep thursday night...i tried to take a nap during the day on friday because i knew we were meeting up with the BG's dad and his visiting friend to go see the gogirls' pride show and i know whenever we hang with papu, it always becomes an extended drinking/bs-ing marathon...
of course, the nap just did not happen, and we ended up not getting home until 5 am today...that's right...i was up about 25 hours...not done that in about 10 years maybe...while hanging with papu, the BG officially came out to him...he made a comment asking her to please never reconsider and end up back with her exhusband...i knew when he said that she would have to clarify...she asked him if she could tell him somethingand he said of course, anything...at around 2 am, she announced we are a couple...he said he knew, or at least thought so, but really thinks it none of his business...so it was well enough received...
anyway, we got home after 5 am and went right on to bed...at about 1030 this morning, the doorbell rang...i went to answer it as i was the only one to hear it...i should have just rolled over and kept sleeping like everyone else...i opened the door to two omen and a young girl with clipboards...i was a sight...braless in a white tank with my hair all spikey and clearly just out of bed...i gave the women the mother's cold stare...said we are not interested before they could utter a word and then slammed the door...
i went back to bed, but since it seems another stretch of insomnia is visiting, i had already had 5 hours, more than enough...
i was stroking the BG's semi conscious ass, and she muttered something about going to get some kolaches...we got up and put some clothes on and i told her i would drive...i decided which kolache place, and that we should also go by starbucks for some chai tea...plan was well received...i announced too, that i wanted to swing by CAP to see if my new pup might be waiting...
they had one who was a potential, but not the i-have-to-get-her-now variety...she was more the see-if-she-is-still-here-next-time variety...the BG then suggested we go out to special pals to see who was waiting there...
while there i saw 2 of the i-have-to-get-her-now variety...one was actually a boy chihuahua named conan and he was just diagnosed with heartworm so is not available for at least 8 weeks...he was about 5 lbs and adorable...
while i was getting the info on conan, the BG had taken enola, a minpin and my second choice for a stroll with her son...i went out to join them to explain the deal about conan, and as i approached, enola jumped right up into my arms...i was standing and she is petite, so needless to say i was impressed...here i was holding this little 10 pound bundle...i knew immediately she was a keeper...she is an all red miniature pinscher...she has a new purple rhinestone studded collar, as well as all the new dog gear that is necessary...spoied rotten before she hit the door...about a year and a half old and i think pretty well house trained...all around good dog...
i took a bunch of pics which i will get developed tomorrow and if i can figre out how, i will post some...she is so cute...of course, while we were at petsmart, i got her a cute little pink heart engraved name tag to hang from her purple collar...i decided we would drop the e and she will be just nola...she is so liking it here!!
and now, i am thinking it time for bed...or maybe some ring surfing...
so it is raining this morning here in houston, and i had planned to go to the beach...however looking at the doppler weather map, galveston is clear and any clouds should be moving away, north east with the wind, right???
i really hate making this kind of decision as it is just about an hour drive...
what the hell am i doing awake at 4:45 in the morning when i did not go to sleep til shortly after midnight...i suppose i can hope it is an anomaly, and not a new bout of insomnia...in part, i had to pee, but i usually go right back to sleep after that...in part i was physically hungry...not sure what that is about...and also, in part, i was laying in bed since 4 am watching the BG sleep...envious of her soft gentle snoring because she is off in lala land...
one thing i was contemplating was the mixture of envy and pride i feel right now for cubicle girl...she is a blogger i was directed to from a reccomendation on beth's blog...i have been reading her religiously for about the last 6 months, maybe longer...time is so easily lost and gained in the blogging and online world...
anyway...cubicle girl has a book deal and the book, from what i gather reading her blog, is a sort of year in the life chronicle of modified blog entries...it is something many of us on dykewrite aspire too, secretly, or not...that is the envy part...her post yesterday related the information that her book, which i think is due out this fall, will be on the new release table at barnes and noble...that is the pride part...just knowing that a lesbian is going to get that mainstream exposure...
go give her a read...or better, remember to seek out her book...i know it is available at amazin as a preorder, and you will have to search out the info on her blog if you want to do that...for me, this is a book i want to distinctly buy, face to face at b and n, paying full price...i will savor the pleasure...
after a day of frightened from thunder dog, and enough rain in an hour or so to create the front yard pond, i decided tonight to go relax at barnes and noble for a while with a few magazines...i picked up about 8 for browsing, and of those wanted to buy 4...since i also found 2 books on bargain racks that i wanted i reasoned the magazines down to two...
the books and mags i had to have:
The Buddha from Brooklyn by Martha Sherrill
Girls Like Us: 40 Extraordinary Women Celebrate Girlhood on Story, Poetry and Song
Shambhala Sun July issue
Poets & Writers Magazine July/August issue
i am thinking i might take the BG to work and go to galveston straight from there...unless of course, it is another stormy day...i do not care so much if it is sunny or cloudy, but if it seems reasonably dry, i am going...and i will bring my haul of new reading materials, as well as the book i am halfway through, Learning to Float by Lili Wright...
i have been fortunate enough lately that most of what i am reading seems like i am supposed to be reading it, sort of as a tool for writing...i suppose in that vein, i am working on writing more than i give myself credit for...
so it crept up to 97 degrees over the course of the morning...then around 2 oclock, it got pretty dark as i was reading a magazine...enough so that i had to turn a light on...then whammo...in no time flat the dog was up on the bed next to me, not letting me out of his sight over the next hour or so...crashing thunder and pouring rain...it has let up now and it seems once again normal daylight...81 degrees...and the front and back yards are flooded and suitable for kayaking...yippee...
i will be so glad when blogger is done with al the changeover crap...last night i had a terrific post in mind and when i logged in all was fine...then i clicked on the blog to open the post window and i got a pop up request for my username and password which it had just accepted, but then would not accept and kept defaulting to the password request screen...it was very annoying...
i went to the first of the free yoga classes offered over the month long break...they are wednesday night at 7 pm...i usually go on tuesday and thursday mornings, and at the most there have been 10 people in class...usually about 6...it was very surreal last night to be sitting in there like a sardine amongst about 100 other sardines...
other than that, i am seeking direction...i am midway through my 6 months of allotted unemployment, and as much as i truly love being a housewife, it is not realistic once the unemployment expires...i have been using this time to write and then write some more, but i do not have a cohesive strategy for that and i want a plan...
the more i feel ready for direction and part time back in the salon, the more i question if i want to go back to the salon at all...
other than the salon, i think barnnes and noble a good option as insurance is offered at 20 hours and i could do 20 hours in 3 days a week...
i am just not sure...i always defer decisions to the BG for the most part, and these are some i really have to make for myself...i wish i could seclude myself somewhere for a month...
ben & jerry's makin'whoopie pie ice cream is simply evil...perhaps it was just the innocence of the first time with a new partner...ummm...i mean flavor...chocolate ice cream with marshmallow creme and devil's food cookies...
i was having a taste this morning and i have been so disciplined lately with ice cream...really have...had it under control...chunky monkey is no an issue...triple caramel crunch is not an issue...hagen daas dulce de leche is not an issue...even blue bell birthday cake is not an issue...
this makin whoopie pie...is...an...issue...
the pint has just disappeared...
in other news...had my yearly pap this morning...what joy of joys...put on this paper gown, open in the front...then use this paper drape over your lap...if someone would clue in the paper gown makers that some women have a more um...ample bosom than others, perhaps the paper drape would not be necessary...everything presented fine and the doc said i do not get to have a mammo this year...like i am wah-ing about that...i then told her about the gogirls pride show on friday night and maybe she will show up...
not much else is going on today...something feels like it might be brewing on the horizon...
i was going to post this morning about my general discontent at not producing enough writing during this time of unemployment...not making best use of my time...how many reportcards was that written on over the years...i bet my mom has them all and i could ask her to look it up and tabulate the results...
of course i am writing some...just not what i feel is enough, or rather enough with focused intent...of course, this morning, when i was distracted by er reruns on the tv that does not need to be on, i was sucked right in...
the first episode of the morning was the hawaii recap ending in mark greene's funeral...the episode was well done, and beautifully illustrated a man near death facing it and all his fears about not having done enough for his children...see a pattern emerging?
last weekend i was talking with my dad...he relayed a story about one of his friends who can no longer drive...they live in upstate, ny, aka the middle of nowhere...while it is somewhat more than a wilderness existence, it is rather remote, and if you cannot drive, it is difficult at best...he was telling me that his friend and his friend's wife decided on an assisted living facility in nj near other family of theirs...then he said he did not know what he would do once he can no longer drive...he is 77...he already, by his choice, does not drive at night...he is not in the best health, and now it is heavily on my mind as well...
my mom has spent most of the past year at her sisters in nj...my aunt has emphysema, and this past year has had a lung transplant and a second major followup surgery to repair something on the transplanted lung...in addition to that, her husband has lymphoma...a year ago it was diagnosed as a lesser, more treatable form, and he was recently rediagnosed with the more serious, less treatable form...i can appreciate her need to be there doing whatever she can to help...without her there, 24 hour nursing care would be necessary for assisting with wound checks and necessary injections...she also is the main driver now, and at 71, that is a source of concern...
it is plain to see that my parents are immeasurably happier apart that together...they are each sort of doing their own thing, and where i am sure there is a measure of concern from one for the other, they are happier apart...i am not sure how to or if i should encourage this as a solution, and it could be that they do not recognize that there is a problem...i decided a while back that they are in their 70s and capable of making their own decisions...also, that i would not offer unsolicited advice...
that said, it still begs the question, what to do?
i am currently watching a rerun of the episode where sydney's mother is sentenced to death...also on this episode, sloane is seeing his dead wife, whom he has also seen in previous episodes since her death...they have it looking like he is having guilt/stress reactions to having killed her, like he really did kill her...in later episodes of the season, we are informed shown that she is alive...that he elaborately faked her death...but as i am re-seeing these seens of his guilt/stress attacks, it is clear to me that her death being faked was decided after these particular episodes of delusion were filmed...do tptb at alias think we are a less than sophisticated audience?
i just had the most decadent ice cream for dessert...raspberry chiffon...is that not the gayest ice cream flavor???
we have a place here in houston called the chocolate bar and it is gay owned, so we love to go there...on the way out to dinner, we stopped in to the chocolate bar to get the BG's son a pint of their in house made, fresh from scratch with fresh ingredients ice cream...he favors the chocolate triple decadence i think...they also have an array of hand dipped chocolate things, so i had a milk chocolate double dipped double stuff oreo cookie...i just have to have one when i go there, and one is more than enough so i usually share it with the BG...
while the counter person was packing the pint of ice cream, i noticed the raspberry chiffon and asked for a sample...o...mi...god...it is a white chocolate ice cream with flakes of white chocolate and fresh raspberries all blended together into a creamy dream...
we took the ice cream to the BG's son, much to his delight, then we went to berryhill baja grill for tamales...they were also very good...the queso there was excellent too, but if you ever go, please heed my warning and take a pass on the mint lemonade...maybe it is just me and i just do not care for mint, but it was nasty enough, imo, to go get a fresh cup and drink coke...
the entire time we were sitting at berryhill eating, i was thinking about that ice cream...i knew that if we did not have it for dessert, that i would be dreaming of it and likely having it tomorrow for lunch...i also knew that i was full from my tamales...so i suggested we go browse at borders and have a cup of tea...
we did this and were amazed at how busy they seemed...
we went to the chocolate bar right before closing and there was a crowd there...there was just a review in the houston chronicle so i imagine there already good business is vaulting skyward...we waited in line patiently and got our respective ice creams...it was delightful...delectable...tres yummm...i might still have it for lunch tomorrow...
why am i having this same conversation repeatedly with the (usually) boys in the taco bell drive-thru?
boy: blahx3 can i take your order?
me: i'd like just a bean burrito, please, no red sauce...
boy: a bean burrito no red sause? would you like a drink with that?
me: um, no...JUST a bean burrito...no red sauce...
boy: would you like any hot, mild, or fire sauce with that?
me: ummm..........is it RED?
Boy: ...oh...
woohoo...my dad can certainly be chatty...i called him this evening to tell him happy father's day and to see how he has been doing...an hour and a half later he was still going strong...my phone beeped to let me know my battery was on its last leg, so he said, "oh, i guess you should go then..."...it really was no problem that we were on for such a long time, but it cracks me up that he has so much to say...i really wish i could get to see him more often...i would go once a month if i could, or every few months, whatever...
it is so weird for me to call home and not speak to both my parents...most of the last year or so, my mom has been staying with her sister because of her health, and now my uncle is sick, too, and i am sure they cannot do without her...also, i know my parents are both happier apart, after 40+ years, you would think that they could just come out and say that, and make it so on a permanent basis...
my mom is 71 now and my dad 75, and i am 38 for crying out loud...it's not like their baby cannot take the news...i suppose the current arrangement is a good one for them...nothing has to happen to make it official, as long as my mom has to help out at my aunt's...of course, then my dad started telling me about his friend who just moved to nj to an assisted living facility...he has parkinson's i think and can no longer drive...his wife is just too afraid to drive in the winter, and on the icy roads up there i cannot say i blame her...it got my dad to wondering, out loud in conversation with me, what will happen when he cannot drive, and that it is not really far off...
i made a decision today...i have been feeling this past week or so like i have had a little too much free time to wander aimlessly between the sheets like the slug that i wanna be...i decided that i need just a little more direction...yoga has been a good thing, in part because it gets my ass out of the house...i have that on tuesday and thursday, and saturday if i feel like it...
i decided today that i will be returning to jc penney part time mid july...my old boss has 15 hours available for me then, and i can work basically whenever i want to...i chose wednesday and friday from 11-7...that gets me there and home around any chaotic traffic times...the penneys i worked in most recently is about 5 minutes or less from the house, but it closed in march 2001, which is when i separated from jcp...the mgr i worked for was transferred to a store about 25 minutes away, and really, i do not ever want to work in a salon again for anyone else...she is both fair and tolerant...and she likes me enough that i am in her confidence...i like that in a boss...so she will take me back part time and as my productivity proves itself, i can add more hours or days (if i *want* to)...
i need to see for sure, but i think since it is part time, i will still receive some unemployment compensation...not really sure how that will affect it...best part of it is i will be working beside paul again...yippee...and if i can manage to really bulk the hours i am there and jack my productivity, i will be able to afford to stay part time and take the other days to continue writing...
i just sent an email to my ex-boss requesting the followup for rolling over my profit sharing $$ from when he fired me...hopefully i did not wait too long to address this...the amount was only about 151 bucks as i was there 2 years, and eligible one year which grossed me 757 but i was only 20% vested...so if my non-finance oriented brain is following i should get a check for about 151...i went to see the investment guy at my bank and explained the situation to him...he said i could open the account to avoid penalties which are about 40% and i would have to contribute $50 a month until i had a balance of $500 and then i could contribute up to $3000 a year...
i really do follow along, and i explained to him that since i did not contribute anything, this was found money so the penalties did not really matter...i decided to do the responsible thing and open the ira because i am not getting any younger, and to date have no savings whatsoever...even on unemployment, i can manage $50 a month and i think i will keep at that amount and increase it if i can...in the past when i have tried to save money for something, i have always taken whatever was left from the previous payday and added that amount to my deposit, so i might do that again...alternately i can take the leftover and slap it onto a credit card payment...perhaps i will alternate between the two...
i think i will also add to the ira anything i receive for my birthday or christmas from my folks...how grown up is that?
the BG and i just got baqck from a 90 minute travel member/agent organization...for our time we received a trip to las vegas, which will be handy when my friend trisha picks her date as she has planned to marry there...if she does not pick a date in the next year, we will just have to go anyway...it was rather painless and not a high pressure sales pitch...there were 14 couplesthere and toward the end of the presentation, one woman was sitting there clipping her nails...clip...clip...clip...i could not believe it...i could see perhaps filing, which would still be rude, but less intrusive...clip...clip...clip...it was just bizarre...
i don'tknow that i care too much for the blogger redesign...the view blog does not open up a new window and it is a new bunch of crap to get used to...things change, i know, but sometimes i like them to stay the same...
there is some serious nesting going on around here...the last week or so i have bought more and more plants for the yard...prettying things up...i actually was wrist deep in soil yesterday and it was a frightening thing...that on top of the desire to clean and purge the garage of all things...i am not sure where it is all coming from but it is a pleasant sort of settling in...or maybe resettling or settling deeper...we also ripped up some old astro turf tat is on a step out front...that set scurrying a mass of salamanders and slugs and turned up a few thumbnail sized frogs...nastyness those slugs were, nothing less...
we have lived in this house a year now and there is ongoing remodeling...we are doing it ourselves, and in all honesty, the BG is doing 98% of it...i am on hand for the occasional assist...the front room, library space, is pretty much done, but that is about the only room as near done...the kitchen area is waiting for a stove, so it is fairly fuunctional...amazing what you can cook on a grill with a side burner...i am only not able to bake, so the kitchen is near enough done...
the main bathroom is done, but for the tub which was removed in favor of a shower only...the base of the shower is in, but we have to still get the walls, so it is also near done...the master bedroom is awaiting us to make a decision on whether or not to keep the toilet and shower...i think the current theory is that the shower is staying and being redone, after the other one is completed of course, and the toilet is going...the basically finished other bedrooms are in a stasis sort of mode...all secondary to anything else i think...
once everything else is done, half the garage is going to be converted to another room, this is in part why i want to begin cleaning and purging it now...most of the purge stuff just has to be taken to the BG's ex...he won't like it, but we won't be storing it forever, especially if we are only going to have one bay of garage...i think that half will become glorified storage...more a shed than a functional garage...
just in from dinner out with some ex coworkers of mine(and still coworkers of the BG)...poor thing...she was so not looking forward to it...the printers used for the magazines that are done came to town to schmooze...we went to brenner's steakhouse...it was a delicious dinner...i had an amaretto and oj in the bar as we got there a bit before everyone else...that set the stage nicely...a few appetizers were ordered for all to share, spinach artichoke fondue, crab cake, and a grilled portabello...i think we all agreed that everyone could have their own crabcake next time...i followed this with the best lobster bisque i have ever had...it was creamy and had such a delicate texture, then a dollop of some brandy whipped cream was added...it was sinful and heavenly at the same time...
next up was a 10 oz filet which was ok and might have been outstanding had i not eaten just 2 days ago at rith's chris steakhouse and had a 6 oz, 200% better filet...i am not saying it was bad, and i am not a big beef eater, so maybe i already had my quota for the season...as a side item i chose au gratin potatoes which were not bad either...someone made the comment about brenner's being so much better than taste of texas...now at this point i was ready to verbally disagree, but since it was the boss' wife, i just slently nodded in agreement...
i responsibly passed on dessert, but they had a selection of dessert drinks and i waffled back and forth over a few of them, finally choosing "after midnight" which is chambord, frangelico and cream...there were little slivers of ice in it too so it was given a blender whip...this is the most heavenly drink and i...want...more...i could have drank 3 or 4 of them, and i am sure we will be going back for dessert and drinks soon...maybe an anniversary treat...
so the evening wore on and was 3 hours or just over, and really was not too bad...we definitely sat at the right end of the table...it would be so nice to have another martini glass filled with after midnight...right now...sip...sipp...
just got back from "lock up your sons and daughters"...it is a compilation of anti-gay educational films and documentaries about the gay agenda etc...there were ed films from the 60s through stuff from the early 90s...it showed here as part of the glbt film festival and was pretty entertaining...we saw it at a local microcinema called the aurora picture show...it is a house that has been gutted and fitted with a screen and projection equipment and church pews for seating..very alternative artsy/edge...has been around 5 years now and we picked up their program so we will be going back for more viewings of stuff...
one of the clips we saw was anti disney going on about gay days and how immoral some of the post walt era movies are...the lion king was the big offender, lots of animal ass shots, too many in their opinion, they being whoever made the clip...also they went on about how simba's uncle was such a queen and inappropriate with his nephew...and more ass stuff, and timon's drag hula...someone or several someones have way too much time on their hands...also criticized was the boobs in little mermaid, and they hilited a scene in the end there the mermaid was getting married on ship and the priest had a boner...and also all the homo references of beauty and the beast...it will be quite entertaining to watch these movies again...
it ended with a mockumentary called the heterosexual agenda which was pretty funny...
thursday morning...it's the 5th already...review...not done...pride essay...not done...i am just unmotivated...went to cafe artiste last night and had a nice cheapy dinner...then we went to the women's happy hour at meteor...we had a good time...the BG and i somehow crossed another notch in intimacy while we were sitting there and it was just so...nice...just one of those nauseatingly intimate warm fuzzy moments...we also chatted a bit more than normal with mimi and got to know her a little better...it has taken me a couple of years to warm up to her, but i have to say now, i like her...
i also picked up the official houston pride magazine last night...what a disappointment it is...it is, of course, full of commemorative 25th pride info and articles, but there is so little actual houston info it seems misleading to call it the official magazine of the pride committee of houston...the houston content is about a quarter of the actual 308 page magazine, and it is very fluffed...disappointing and as always, boy heavy...i am thinking my pride essay might end up taking on a slightly sarcastic or cynical edge...
i am feeling another productive day dawning...830 in the morning and i have already taken the BG to work and showered...yoga is after that, and then i am heading over to visit with paul...of course, that could be where my productivity takes a nose dive as i am easily corrupted by him...he has not been feeling his best lately so i just want to check in and see for myself how he is doing...i am sure he will meet me at the door, martini in hand...maybe i can get him out for some lunch, even if just close to home...if not, i think i might just pick up a tamale and some basic groceries, you know...sour cream and onion pringles, chocolate creme oreos, yoplait peaches and cream whips, and a pepsi...that covers all the basic food groups right? salty, sweet, creamy, and caffeinated?
if paul does not lead me far astray, i will go to the bank, which i might do on my way to his place, just to be on the safe side...i think i will open a seperate ep checking account and i also need to find out about maybe setting up a roth ira...i have profit sharing $$ from my last job i need to get rolled over...if it is not enough to open, maybe i will just take the penalty to have the extra cash...since i did not contribute toward the gain, it is not really a loss, though it still hurts to see a few hundred bucks slip away...
monday night...just back from a light snack/dinner at the new Hollywood vietnamese restaurant...gay owned little complex also including a real estate office, hair salon, and bokstore/cafe...i have gone there a few times in the last week to get a feel for the space and ti see if i can review it for the pride issue of emerald pillows...i am still not convinced i can, but i am at least ready to put forth the effort...
not much else going on today...we planted the cannas yesterday and the impatiens and caladiums today...a little tweak here and there...hopefully it will rain soon to help them establish themselves, or i will just need to remember to water...
