Life is not always fair. Or logical. Or pretty and nice.
This is my personal outlet for emotions that might otherwise be unleashed in an inappropriate manner.
Let it be known that "the BG" is my girlfriend whom I adore...the BabeGoddess, regardless of what I might be bitching about at any given moment within the walls of my blog.
"People can keep a journal to record their life, their thoughts, their happiness, the events of their families,
etc. They can also keep a journal of creative observations, their hopes, their ideas and dreams, as Leonardo da Vinci
did. He always had a notebook hanging from his belt to record his observations. I have one constantly in my
pocket and on my night table. We must be the source of good ideas and dreams for a better world. We are part of
evolution." -- ROBERT MULLER
"The defining characteristic of the literary vocation may be that those who
possess it experience the exercise of their craft as its own best reward, much superior to anything they might gain
from the fruits of their labors." from Letters to a Young Novelist by Mario Vargas Llosa
"The irony of life is not that you cannot forget but that you can." --Gertrude Atherton, 'Can Women Be Gentlemen'
Tuesday, April 23, 2002
i don't know why i resist taking allergy medicine...i have zyrtec which is a once daily med and i find it works best for me if i take it every other day...so here i am into the second day having not taken it this morning when i should have, and my head is plugged up and i am hacking away from the nasty drip down the back of my throat...yes i just took one...
i was on the phone earlier this evening with my exhusband's current wife...she wants so pably for someone to advise her what to do...he is a liar...plain and simple, and the longer she is with him the worse she sees this to be true...it is hard for her and i can relate to her easily and no longer wish her ill so we chat on occasion and email, which i am sure scares the crap out of him...interesting how things work their way around...i think for him to really get all he deserves, i should end up with his grrl...of course that is never going to happen, nor do i wish it to nor do i even wish for the possibility of opportunity...it would just be the perfect irony full of revenge...the mere thought of it is satisfying enough...i have considered telling her i am lesbian, just so she could clarify a few facts as she knows them...soon maybe...
i feel sorta bad about making the BG sound so evil...really it is not so...i have these moments where i wonder who she is...of course those lead me to wondering who i am...am i satisfied...etc...
if i could define and label what i want different, which i cannot, it might come down to someone who adores me...the BG does love me, and i know that with my heart, mind, and soul...but i do not think she adores me...is that selfish? i do not think so...i think selfish would be leaving because of it...or acting in a destructive manner...so the feeling is gone...just sharing the thought of the moment...
more lab results are in...the second round came back negative for any type of epatitis which is a good thing...however, insulin is high and thyroid is low...how nice it will be if getting that regulated rids me of a few pounds...too simple a cure, but wishful thinking never hurts...i see an endocrinologist on the 29th so will update after that...time to recline poolside for a few...
will the babegoddess ever be satisfied? i suppose i could cook more than i do, but finances do limit the groceries i buy...and damn, she did some laundry this weekend, not all...i do the laundry...she was doing soome so i did not, and then i was at the house helping her all morning on sunday and i did not do it in the afternoon because i knew we did not need any for today...now i discover i could actually vacuum on occasion...if i saw it was needed i would...what kinda chore nazi am i living with? i thought all that was left behind in the recess of my heterosexuality...
really it is not as bad as all that, but it sort of pissed me off that we even had such an exchange...makes me want to actually do absolutely nothing as far as housework for a few months so she can see how much i actually do...certainly she never has anything to say by way of thanks...
i contacted a friend through classmates.com athat i have not been in contact with for 10 years or so...she was my best friend in high school and i thought it would be nice to catch up with her via email...i was shocked when she said she felt she could not communicate with me due to things that had supposedly happened in 1987 between me and a mutual friend's husband, seeing as this other person has been such a good friend to her...i was really shocked...seems the events as she has learned them have been severely misconstrued, especially considering nothing happened with him...
my then friend and her husband were drinking with the goal being a threesome...she and i had discussed it prior and i imagine perhaps she and he had discussed it prior...so at a certain point in the evening she changed her mind and totally freaked and had her husband take her home...after she fell asleep, he came back with the intent of persuading me to finish with him what we started and he then passed out on my couch...nothing ever happened...she never asked me about it...she just presumed since he was not home that it happened...i moved away shortly after that and she left him and moved home...she then dated my ex in an effort to get back at me i think, but really i could not have cared less...especially since i had already moved, but it would not have bothered me if i had been there...
so now i have responded to my friend with the facts as well as a comment about it being too bad i did not have her loyalty from the beginning...it is somewhat disconcerting as it makes me wonder who else of my old crew thinks this way of me...of course really it holds no signifigance as i am so far removed from that entire scene...
well the gyn said that the cervical cysts are normal and common, nothing to worry about...i go for a breast ultrasound on wednesday to see what the dense tissue is all about...she told me that is also very common, no cause for panic...
picked up my contact lenses today and am easing back into wearing them...had them in 5 hours...like i never stopped wearing them...
it is weird how all the things one has heard over the years about cysts, etc, flood through the brain when it is you who has one...i am far from panicked, but i know i will be in trouble for not sharing this info sooner rather than later...it might just all come out over the weekend of couurse, depending on how i handle it...
i have not been to the gym after work in 3 weeks...i did really well for a month and there was no feeling one way or the other as to why i stopped...i guess today i will get back to it...also i have begun sitting by the pool and reading after work again so i guess i can do gym then poolside relaxing while it is available as we move in about 6 weeks...i really need to get on packing up stuff that is not necessary at the moment...i can do some from the kitchen and closet and also begin on the books...we have movers coming so it has to be ready...hopefully this will be the last move for a long while...the house is far from done, but the next few weeks will see the sanding done...beyond that, anything else can be done when we live there...
i did go to the eye doctor...i was going to put it off, but when i thought about it i realized i had not been in 6 years so i thought that long enough...contacts will cost about the same as new glasses, so i opted for them and one needs to be specially made so i will have them in 4-6 weeks...likely sooner, but that is the line they give...
also in the doc drama i had a pelvic ultrasound, trans vaginal, and nearly pleasant, sicko that i am...it was a chore of concentration to not get distracted in fantasy as the tech was rather cute...she had long micro braids and the darkest chocolate skin...a soft accent i would say perhaps she is nigerian...that exam turned up a cervical cyst so the joy might just be beginning...more as i hear it...
so it had been 5 days, well now it has been more than a month...not too much has been going on really, i have been on a rather even keel lately with the only disruption being that of my sleep cycle...i have gone from pseudo insomnia, 3-5 hours, yet functioning well, to 8-9 hours and dragging ass...obviously this is too much so in an effort to ease this i am going to try to regulate it to some degree and try what was my best, 7 hours consistently...
i have had some thoughts to post, but blogger has been down a bit lately or i have just not been able to get in, so as is the way with my thoughts, they have left me...
i went to a new doctor recently and she has sent me out for all sorts of testing, one of which, a mammogram...her office called today and a nodule was discovered on my right breast, so now i need to do an ultrasound of that and see a breast doctor...sounds rather ludicrous, but this is what these screenings are for so i am able to maintain a certain calm about it all...i will not bring it up to the babe goddess until i know a little more...she will worry...
