Life is not always fair. Or logical. Or pretty and nice.
This is my personal outlet for emotions that might otherwise be unleashed in an inappropriate manner.
Let it be known that "the BG" is my girlfriend whom I adore...the BabeGoddess, regardless of what I might be bitching about at any given moment within the walls of my blog.
"People can keep a journal to record their life, their thoughts, their happiness, the events of their families,
etc. They can also keep a journal of creative observations, their hopes, their ideas and dreams, as Leonardo da Vinci
did. He always had a notebook hanging from his belt to record his observations. I have one constantly in my
pocket and on my night table. We must be the source of good ideas and dreams for a better world. We are part of
evolution." -- ROBERT MULLER
"The defining characteristic of the literary vocation may be that those who
possess it experience the exercise of their craft as its own best reward, much superior to anything they might gain
from the fruits of their labors." from Letters to a Young Novelist by Mario Vargas Llosa
"The irony of life is not that you cannot forget but that you can." --Gertrude Atherton, 'Can Women Be Gentlemen'
Monday, May 27, 2002
it seems my ring code still works so i am going to just leave it alone and hope that miss tracy will let me know if something is not right in the future before she boots my sorry ass should something get fucked up...
today is the day i absolutely must pack some shit...the books are packed which is the biggest part of what i want the movers to be able to load after furniture...however i need to pack the kitchen and bathroom and haul some more stuff from the closet out to have it ready...i can afford 3 hours maximum so i figure the movers can load the furniture and however many more boxes they can into the truck and then we drive to the house, and unload same said shit...i have my kids to help move whatever else is left and they will be good about it because they think my ankle sprain is much worse than it really is, especially having seen it happen...
some time this evening the computer will get disconnected and not be reconnected until after the BG gets off work tomorrow so by then i will be in some sort of withdrawl...i am sure it is something i could do myself, but it is her pc and i have a bad track record when it comes to techie stuff...i have even forbidden myself from installing or uninstalling software...as simple as it is made to be, something always goes wrong though i follow the directions explicitly...
sitting here i realize i have to pack up everything on this table as well...sigh...
as a sidenote, someone (lizzamayhem?) was speaking of the goddess sarah...i met a woman online before the BG, and when she came to visit me, she won tickets from the radio to go see her while she was there...of course she took me, because she knew noone else...it was in a college basketball gymnasium and i would estimate there was seating for maybe 3-5000 people...very intimate...it was a fabulously surreal experience and one of the best concerts i have ever been to...it is a totally different experience from seeing her at lilith fair...i am so anxious for the new cd to be released but i remind myself of the number one rule...no expectations = no disappointments...
more later...maybe, if not i should be back in a day or so...
well i suppose putting up the links to my daily reads is more packing procrastination, but i have done it and i see the advantage in that i do not have to surf the ring daily...i will still surf it at least once a week, and likely every day, but after surfing another ring, or part of it, and seeing it has hundreds of members rather than tens, i thought it wise so i would not lose track...does that make sense to anyone other than me? no matter...
i debated with myself most of yesterday about whether or not i would comment on the dyke drama surrounding hoopty...i think that the problem he is having with his email proves he has dyke dna in his body somewhere...that is so juvenile to bombard someone in that way...truly an ass pain...
do i personally think a man should be included in a group for dykes? no...but... it is not my webring so not my decision...can i be respectful of his presence? absolutely...i still do not really grasp the essence of hoopty...this is why i have made him a daily read...from comments around the ring, i presume he is a mascot of sorts...a toyboy...everyone needs a boy (not their son!!)...i should probably just delete this, but it is not put out as a discriminate judgement, just my thoughts of the moment about hoopty...really i have given him more thought than i care to so perhaps this will release that process so i can get back to other more lascivious thoughts...or packing...
what a pain in my ass...actually i suppose a pain in my ankle is more accurate...we went to the museum just to discover they have no idea what i am talking about when i tell them my radio station membership card is supposed to give me free admission during may...so we did not see the titanic exhibit...i asked the boys if they would rather see it ir a movie and a movie won so we will likely go see star wars this evening...
i say likely because as we searched for parking, we noticed a festival setting up...when we came out of the museum we walked over to the festival and i fell with such grace and elan that i turned my ankle and scraped the shit out of my knee...ok, so it was a less-than-graceful moment, and it hurts like hell...i can still manage to hobble around and pack and get to the pool so not a total loss, but it was interesting driving home...
i finally set up a fresh account in my quicken and for the first week it is balanced...i wonder how long that will last...it is a good day to be packing...but will i? perhaps, but it is an equally good day to enjoy the pool i will no longer have once we move...i feel maybe a good packing spree rewarded by a dip in the pool later...of course there are other errands this morning, my 17 year old has an interview at the sub shop he is hopefully transferring to...following that i am going with the 11 yr old to see the titanic exhibit...then we will grab some lunch and come home and pack and clean and swim...i am off work until thursday which will be a nice break...
dyke...it does not offend me unless it is used in the context of the n word...and if you use it like that, you better have a gun...i have not experienced any outright homophobia or other occasion for this to come up...the exception is that my wasband called me a dyke bitch carpet muncher when he discovered who i was dating after we separated...i was furious for about 15 seconds, then i thought about his prejudice and began this uncontrollable hysterical laughter...it was really quite funny and he learned quickly that he would not be hurting me with this phrase...
just yesterday, i pulled up my browser to help my 17 yr old son search for the bus schedules for our new home...i have dykewrite as my home page and he sees it across the screen and gives a disparaging snicker of the unappealing sort...i just gave him the look..."sorry, mom," he said...
i guess that goes back to our no big deal way of handling things...it just is, and if you are living under my roof you can deal with it...
i am feeling so loopy this afternoon...i might as well go home early, but i have too much to do...also have an afterwork appointment that i cannot change so i will stay for now...i heard of an opportunity to submit an essay about lists...i think i might take some time to do that...i will post my finished product...maybe...
it might not be a good thing leaving this window open at work...of course it is easier to just pop in and leave a note, but is the temptation to have something to blog about, even if it is nothing, too great for me to actually get any work done?
so i have spent the better part of the last two hours surfing the dykewrite blog ring...is this a bad thing? i am not yet sure...i am working as i do it too, so i suppose it is ok, but how will i keep up as this ring grows...might be time to make a link bar for ones i read...perhaps after the move i can get that done...or maybe this evening...it is more mental work than i want to consider at the moment...
i was just surfing the ring and i came across a post from suzy ...i might even attemt to create a link later, but hey, i AM at work right now...she has clearly and concisely related my thoughts on the entire out issue...i take the mindset of people must know, and that it is no big deal...the BG and I work at the same conservative company and anyone that does not realize out circumstances is just as dumb as a rock...we do not make a big deal of it because it is not a big deal...i can appreciate the fight for 'equal rights' in that if there was national legislation for domestic partner benefits, i would not be working...but i would appreciate this even if i was still hetero...wanting it has nothing to do with being lesbian...
anyway, go check out her thoughts if you have not already done so...
enough of the recounting, let's come to the present may 22nd, which is now technically yesterday...i felt nauseated all morning...clenching stomach pains off and on which i think were actually from hunger, as i have not been eating much the past few days...enough, but ot much, which if you remember, will not make me wither away anytime soon...i slept poorly last night as i did the night befor 7 years ago...it seems that everything surrounding this day was so much more palpable than in years past...i actually went in to work today which was both a mistake, and progress...fortunately, i had plenty of mindless work to keep me going forward...the past few days have been just that, and at times i have felt outside of myself, watching life happen to me...i stood up at my desk this morning and closed my eyes and nearly fainted...the moments from that day are still so powerful...
grunt...i have to get up in less than 6 hours...yawn...don't want to...
i was distressed yesterday at the thought of having lost my blog and did not get back to the dramalogue that i had going on...part 2 gets somewhat graphic...you've been warned...
i think i was somewhere in the beginning of denial, having discovered my lesbianism, and then gotten pregnant, convincing myself i was meant to be hetero...things were actually ok in hetero land...i had a husband who placed me on a pedestal...my pregnancy was going along quite well...then on may 22nd, a few days short of 6 months, i miscarried...
the night before i had not slept well because my fetus was participating in the neonatal olympics...flipping here...flopping there...at one point aroung 5 or 6 am, i sat upright in bed directly from sleep...this is no easy feat at 6 months pregnant...she was suddenly still...fiinally asleep i thought...
then i woke up to use the toilet about 7 and was bleeding a little...i called the doctor right away and got the answering service...the doc on call called me back right away and told me to rest and elevate my feet and see if it stopped, and then come in for a check later that morning...i tried to relax and went back to bed...i could not get comfortable and about 15 minutes later i was back in the bathroom...there was more blood...followed by more...followed by more...
i called the dr again at 830 and was told the same thing...this time i went into a bit more detail about the volume of blood...he assured me that i was panicked and exaggerating...i went back to lie down and follow his advice because i knew that by this point it was too late...she had totally stopped moving and i just knew she was already gone...of course my resignation did not mean that the bleeding was going to let up anytime soon...
i had called my husband at work and tild him i was bleeding and by this time he was home...he was getting himself something to eat and told me to holler if i needed anything...in general trying to stay out of my way...i went to the bathroom and dropped something heavy so he would come upstairs to see what that was...he did, and asked me what that noise was...i told him something fell...he said no, do you think you should take a shower if you are bleeding? i told him no that was not the water faucet...and i was not peeing...that was more blood...it was as if a tap was turned on inside me that there was no way of turning off...
i think his next actions were the true beginning of the end of our marriage...he turned and went back downstairs...l suppose it could be that he just could not handle it, but damnit he should have stayed with me at that point...i was shaking from cold and sweating through the worst cramps i have ever endured...i think i sat on the toilet longer than i laid in the bed and each time i got up it was more difficult to make it to either destination...i was close enough when i fell that i made it to the bed, but i still do not recall what time that was...at around 11 i decided i had to go to the doctor because i could not take much more of it, and i was just getting so weak from having lost so much blood...
i was afraid to get out of bed alone so i called for my husband and in my weakened state he did not hear me...i was drifting in and out of different states of consciousness and knew i had to get up and get moving...it was difficult to do anything and frustrating to even need his help, but i really did need it...i ended up having to call a friend for them to ring back our number to tell him i needed him...it was so pathetic...by the time he came upstairs, i had gotten out of bed and was sitting on the second step from the top of the stairs...i saw myself falling down them and sat down immediately to rest and wait...i felt that if i did this, i could make it down them one or two at a time...
he went and brought the car as close as it would come to the door and took me around the corner to the doctor's office...i got there and went inside and the nurse took one look at me and brought me to an exam room...before i was even sitting she had a blood pressure cuff on me and was putting gloves on...i remember her calling in the doctor, my regular one, and telling him that the other doc had said i would be in because i was spotting a little...my doctor called for an ambulance to take me to the med center which was just a mile around the corner...the ambulance was out, but on its way back, and would be there in 20 minutes...i heard him say i might not have 20 mins...
the doctor learned that my husband had brought me and told him he needed to take me to the center...that they would be waiting for me at the entrance...i remember all this, but i still do not remember going inside once we got there...
when i woke up it was 6 pm...i felt like crap...i was shaking, and nauseated...and could not sit up...i saw the call button for the nurse and pressed it...the doctor came right in and sat with me to talk...he told me that i had lost the baby, which i knew, and that they had gotten my husbands consent and performed a d&c...he explained to me that by the time i came in i had nearly bled to death...and that the fetus was partially through my cervix...the pressure of that is what made me pass out in combination with the blood loss...they were keeping me overnight as a precaution and i could go home first thing in the morning...it wasn't until i was on the way home that i remembered it was my husband's birthday on the 22nd...i do not think i have wished him a happy birthday since...
once i snapped out of the initial numbness, i was a woman on a mission...how to extract myself from this situation...of course i went to the other extreme, that in losing the baby, i was meant to be a lesbian afterall...i had foolish hopes somewhere in my mind that i could remain married and be a good lesbian, but we can discuss that ore at a later time...
i dropped off my test this morning on the way in to work...if something is amiss they will notify me...i seem to be leveling out a bit as far as my funk of the moment goes...perhaps all this doc crap is distracting me from realizing the drama of yet another anniversary of my miscarriage...it does get better each year. but the awareness of it is clearer in so many ways...
this year's focus seems to be on how that was a pivotal event in the destruction of my marriage...here comes some back story that might get confusing...when i married i had no idea i was a dyke...yes, i had been in love with jan for years before that, and my best friend is/was a lesbian, so i had a frame of reference, but it just never occurred to me that my relationship with jan meant i might be a lesbian, or bi even...looking back on it with the perspective of experience, i know it was as fucked up as it was wonderful, but through all of it, i thought it was her...that she was special, which she was, just not in the lesbian way...so i did not marry out of denial or frustration , or to please my family...i had met a man and fallen in love...i met him in 87 and we married in 89...
during the summer of 94, i realized i was a lesbian...i was 29 and just had this grand epiphany...i started reading anything lesbian i could get my hands on and it soon occurred to me that i wanted this new life, but did not want to hurt my husband, or my sons, or disrupt the life they knew...
i tested my theory on my best friend the next time i saw her and proved myself right...to me this was not cheating because i was not looking to have a relationship with her...i was just doing what we should have done years before like college grrls might...i hope that makes sense to someone besides me...
i was still happily married, had not shared this new secret with anyone but my best friend, and i was trying to figure out how to get unmarried...or at best, how to stay married and tell my husband and have a girlfriend too...then i got pregnant...after a lot of thought on the subject (with no blog to vent it into!!) i convinced myself that i was meant to be hetero...why would god let me get pregnant again if i was meant to be lesbian? this was my mindset at the time, as fucked up as it sounds...from that point on though, i denied any feelings i might have been previously thinking...set them aside to remain the good wife and mother i had been all along...
more in a minute, or soon...i need to post this much and take a break before getting into this further...
crazy tracy asked for thoughts on blogging...i have been considering this in trying to make sense out of the dykewrite blog ring...it is a new concept to me and i find i have to think of it like a list or member community...someone suggested surfing the ring each day and getting to know everyone like that which is working for me...it is very much like coming into a list that is established and not knowing anyone...btw, thanks for the welcome...
i started this as my own cheap therapy...it has been very effective as an anonymous outlet for thoughts that would result in nothing positive should they be raised in conversation with the BG...i love her dearly, she loves me, and we have a lot of differing opinions that we agree to disagree on...i do not with to change her nor do i think i can, so i blog...seems like a simple enough cure and it is working...i t might end up being another phase...
some phases i have been through since getting online: first i joined a list...then i learned about chat...then i made a website...then i started a dinner group...then i started my own list...throughout all this i have been active in various rooms and member communities in various capacities...now i blog...and am a member of a blog ring...there will be something else eventually as life is a cycle, vicsious or not...
tomorrow i get to do my 24 hour urine test...yippee...what a concept...all my whiz has to be collected and placed into a jug i got from the doc and needs to remain refrigerated...gonna use an ice chest in the bathroom...this is why i am doing it tomorrow, rather than on a workday...then i drop it off at the docs monday morning on my way to work...this would be one of those moments in life where i could have used a shenis and peeed (?) directly into the container...yet another trapping of our male dominated society...
there is a dyke site i am a member of that i was considering leaving...it is a good bunch of women and typical of most net communities in that everyone thinks they are accepting and nicey nice, but given time they will prove this untrue...so i am not one to post and say anything short of what i mean, but i am constantly misunderstood, called judgemental, or worse than that prejudiced...also, i have been there 6 months and do not feel like i have been welcomed into the community...
last night i was chatting there and there was a newly formed couple, bith members, and someone asked "but i thought you were with so and so, and that you (the partner) were with so and so2"...yes that was the case but now it is different and we are so sure this tiime...
i had to laugh because this was me and the BG at one time as we met online too...after having met others etc...so then one of the previous partners comes into the room and whether it was intentional or not, there were what seemed to me digs in the new couples play toward each other that seemed aimed at the previous partner...it was catty and i commented on it with a little meow here and there and a whisper message to the injured...
needless to say, she was one of the ones i was not feeling welcomed by and my support was a comfort to her...we turned a small corner...and we will likely converse more at length...she told me she was wrong in her judgements of me and apologized...
i am still not sure about staying on there as a member...this new dykewrite webring is a new area for me to understand, and i am not sure if i need to focus my attention there more acutely or what...i think i might stay a member and vere away from the message board side but remain active on the chat side...of course in an hour this might all change in my mind again...
what a day...on the drive home from work i was contemplating how nice it would be to be out in the rain somewhere getting drenched...tears escaping and running down my face intermingling with the rain...it has been 4 years since i cried in the rain...i suppose the last time was right before i met the BG...i was dating a woman significantly younger and we were out at a bar drinking beer and listening to a band...the place was on the water and it was pouring...the outside deck was of course deserted because anyone with any sense knew enough to stay out of the rain...i excused myself to the ladies room and snuck out the side door and was watching the rain from under an awning...i am not sure what called me out into the rain but i walked over to the rail and turned my face to the night sky...the rain was heavily falling, heavy enough that it gently stung my face...i had a thought of recent losses flash through my mind and i began softly sobbing...it was just cool enough that i could that i could feel the warmth of my tears as they trailed down my cheeks and merged into the wetness of the rain...about 20 mins later my friend went looking for me and there i was, still out on the deck, crying like a baby...she shifted gears and took me into her embrace and told me everything would be ok...i was 33 at the time and had definitely been the coreographer of our relationship...she was 19, and at that moment had total control...what a wonderful sensation that was...
then, i actually get home and am here alone with the dog...what lovely solitude...i know it will be brief, but it is so pleasing to sit and listen to the hum of the fridge, the clock ticking...traffic passing by, rain continuing to fall...
another thing i realized on the way home is that i have been outside myself the last few days watching time go by...something i need to contemplate further to really have a good understanding of what it means...i suppose it has something to do with the miscarraige anniversary as well as the thyroid drama that is going on...i know it's all good...might be time for some directed meditation...ohhhhhhmmmmmm...
not too much to say tonight...i am feeling rather daunted (?) by the prospect of having to be packed and ready in 11 more days...o...mi...god...i was up way too late last night and the night before, so i am going to give myself permission to go now...ta...
i stumbled across a webring called dykewrite and applied to join it...i am not sure this blog qualifies, or if it even illustrates at all that i am a writer...i am finally feeling as if i am into the groove of uncensored writing...perhaps i should share more of that here, but i find the cathartic value of blogging on an on about what is flashing through my being at that given moment to be penultimate to qualifying for a webring...it is what it is, afterall...that makes me sound like the guy everyone knows who will never impress anyone as much as he impresses himself...of course that is a facet of who i am, but not one that dominates...i had to add a link to dykewrite which i will leave up for a while regardless as i think there are some good blogs going on there...anyone fortunate enough to stumble across mine, should have the path to them available whether they accept me or not...at least that is the thought of the moment...
i suppose that would be yet another irony to not be accepted by them...
i am just now having a coke...by default as we do not have a pepsi machine here at work...i have not had anything to drink for the past 3 weeks except water and decaf tea...that small change alone has enabled me to lose 3 lbs...whoopee...the coke is soooooo sweet, i think i might be awake...now that i think about this, i wonder if this has anything to do with my sleepiness...no pepsi...no cappucino...hmmm...i never feel that drinking these beverages really affect me as far as any reaction to caffeine, but i wonder if their total absense has contributed to the sleepiness...not the stress of contemplation...not the thyroid mass...or possibly in combination of course...
looking a little further into the pages of that journal, i see yet another entry from a letter to Jan...
"I close my eyes and I see your face. It’s really wonderful for me to have my senses working overtime like that. I can do it anywhere, anytime I want to, and in that instant, even though it’s brief, I’m with you. Usually, when we were at dinner, either time, and sometimes, when I really need it, all the way back to my house on McKinley street and the mattress on the floor of my little studio. Compared to the 11 or so years that we’ve known each other, those moments are so brief, but they fill my heart and my head and there will always be room for more, no matter where life may take me. Is this how the great loves occur? Did Romeo and Juliet experience this same longing? I’d be happy to just know if you experience it. I’d like to think you do, but if the truth isn’t so picture perfect, that’s equally acceptable. Perhaps it is the next lifetime that is meant to be ours, perhaps it was a previous one. Somehow the connection is there."
that was from November of 96...fall/winter that year was particularly painful for many other reasons, and i think that even through realizing, or beginning to, that i would not find my happiness with Jan, she remained my last hope...
should be noted that i had that epiphany in January 98 and realized that my happiness is not tied up in someone or something else...this was before i met the BG, and i think it has set the tone of a certain kind of freedom in knowing that i was no longer waiting for Jan...that i could love the BG freely and give my heart wholly...
i refound a journal from a few years back and in it i had copied down a letter i had written to jan, the first person i was madly and passionately in love with...looking back over the loves past, it is common to realize that these people that had shared your life for a time were just passing...as many times as you think or even know at the time that you are experiencing love's grand passion, that you are 'in' love, upon heartfelt review it is often realized that it was ordinary...
from the milieu that is my romantic past, jan is my grand passion...our relationship was very complicated for many reasons, but primarily because i did not know that i was a lesbian for most of that time...not denial, it just did not occur to me...so the letter i found was sort of my last ditch effort, and it was written after i had discovered my lesbian identity...the following is from it...
"I control my future and I can choose to be miserable or I can choose to be content. I’ve been both and I choose to be content. If you are to be nothing more than one of my dearest friends, then that will be wonderful. If you are to be an occasional lover, well, I think you know how I will react to that… If fate has chosen us to be soul mates, my nipples harden at the mere thought, then one day we will be together when it is right for us both. I am not asking you to make a decision or any permanent choice, only to open your thoughts and share them with me. Be assured that I won’t betray them or share them with a single soul. Also know that however the pieces fall, you will always be a part of my existence. Something inside me has changed, or better said, has surfaced; a passion deep in my soul, and a compelling need to share it. I’ve made a decision to be true to myself. I’m waiting…(for a response)."
That was July ot 1996...12 years after having met Jan and losing my heart to her...of course life has a way of going on around that...as i said earlier, this was a complex situation...it would be january of 98 before i have an epiphany that would finally lay to rest any amorous feelings i have for Jan...nearly 14 years she was my heart, though not always evident...
in the same journal is a poem i wrote after that letter when i was feeling particularly blue over having had no response...
only in my personal solitude
do the tears of denial return
to moisten my soul
once brought into being,
the weeping is constant
until sleep invades
allowing refuge into dreams...
of her
as near to perfection
i may never be again...
i can't touch it,
I can't smell it,
I can't taste it.
It isn't HER!
for she feels so good
and she smells so good
and yes, she tastes so good.
it's only my memory of her being"
when that loneliness struck, i was alone in so many more ways, and for a time all i did was cry with an ache i could not ever imagine being apart from
i went to the doc this afternoon for the thyroid ultrasound...there is a mass there...a big one he said...the next thing now is to get a biopsy of it to see what is going on...i am in relative calm about it, but concerned i suppose...it's all good...no sense freaking prematurely...
i have been very slowly creeping toward a mild depression as the 22nd approaches...it is as if a layer of fog is periodically added here and there...denser and denser, but so gradual that i almost do not notice...it is different to be aware of it in this fashion...to feel it...it is considerably less each year, and with each year i am more aware of it so i guess in that way i am conquering it, but being more aware seems to mean feeling it more...
May 22 is the day i miscarried my last child...i was nearly 6 months along and it was a dreadful day...can i write more about this? i can, but i am not sure it would be pretty...
it is also my ex's birthday...which is now displeasing because he nauseates me so...another topic that might vere from the pleasant...more later perhaps...
i have recently discovered that there are inequities in life that follow you no matter what you have done/will do to change them...debt is always going to be a component...of course, i have learned better in the past few years how to manage it, but it is still there, and likely will always be...i see too where the debt of the bg is an issue for me, even though she sees it as hers usually...we have been together for 4 years and there seem to be so many ways we are not really together...finances being one of them...we have each our own for the most part, and nothing that is ours...i wonder if this is to indicate how it will always be, and what that says about us and our propensity for longevity...
another inequity is that of devotion, or is it adoration, or priorities even...i do not know that it is something i am ready to elaborate on, but at least i have now said it...i have consciously chosen to place the bg first in my life...perhaps it is meant to be that i have already experienced my quota of that with my ex, and that i do not get it again...if that is so, fate has chosen it for a reason not evident to me, or i have done something dreadful to generate such horrendously bad kharma...
still another inequity is hearing that favors are not something to expect returned, yet asking for one and having it said you would then owe...sigh...
sigh...today life seems like such a chore...i went to the endocrinologist last wek and he felt a lump on my thyroid and heard a flutter in my right corotid artery...so he has ordered an ultrasound of both...i had them scheduled, but have to meet my deductable before the corotid so i cancelled it...i will call the doc on monday to let him know and then see what he says from there...i also had some of my labs denied so i owe them about 110 bucks...i need to see if then that is applied to my deductable or not and if so, i will pay less before the corotid is done...again i say it, sigh...
everything else seems to be pretty normal so far...moving day is fast approaching, less than 4 weeks away...i suppose it is time to start packing in earnest...i got a stack of boxes yesterday and will start on it perhaps this afternoon...gonna check out spiderman today...i hope it is not too cheesey...
