Life is not always fair. Or logical. Or pretty and nice.
This is my personal outlet for emotions that might otherwise be unleashed in an inappropriate manner.
Let it be known that "the BG" is my girlfriend whom I adore...the BabeGoddess, regardless of what I might be bitching about at any given moment within the walls of my blog.
"People can keep a journal to record their life, their thoughts, their happiness, the events of their families,
etc. They can also keep a journal of creative observations, their hopes, their ideas and dreams, as Leonardo da Vinci
did. He always had a notebook hanging from his belt to record his observations. I have one constantly in my
pocket and on my night table. We must be the source of good ideas and dreams for a better world. We are part of
evolution." -- ROBERT MULLER
"The defining characteristic of the literary vocation may be that those who
possess it experience the exercise of their craft as its own best reward, much superior to anything they might gain
from the fruits of their labors." from Letters to a Young Novelist by Mario Vargas Llosa
"The irony of life is not that you cannot forget but that you can." --Gertrude Atherton, 'Can Women Be Gentlemen'
Saturday, June 29, 2002
sigh...i just posted about my fabulous savings and lost the post because i pushed the wrong damn button...fuckers...poor design...
what a dreary saturday morning...my to do list today includes getting parts at pep boys so my a dyke friend and i can do a tune up on my cherokee...my dad, a retired mechanic, lectured me on the importance of getting the copper cap and the platinum plugs as they really do make a performance difference...also what type of oil blahx3...he did not remember that we have had this same conversation several times before and that i already knew these things because the wasband is a jet engine technician and a hobby gearhead on the side...
after i pick up the parts, i am off to pick up a few articles of clothing...a pair of pants that i have and really like in another color perhaps as well as a few shirts and some panties...maybe a bra or two too, if they have my size in the ones i like...the store is having summer clearance and 30-50% off most items, as well as their friends and family coupon event that gives an additional 30% off the entire purchase...
i stopped in there wednesday because i had some extra cash and wanted to get a second pair of the aforementioned pants...originally they were 35 bucks and i was happy to pay that because i like them that much...i felt it was a reasonable value considering the BG has corrupted me to some finer things in life, namely Eileen Fisher clothing which i adore but cannot readily afford...so the second pair after the sale and additional discount was 15 bucks!! i asked for another friends coupon, got one, and am going back today to nab a few more things...
to facilitate the extra cash i have, i also received from my 17 year old the 80 bucks he owes me so i have the potential to really increase my wardrobe...then when i come home i will do a purge of the stuff i really should not be wearing any longer...
i think i can shop, come home and purge and make it to the tune up party by 4 if i get my ass in gear soon...i also need to pick up a 12 pak of shiner for the tune up and i am doing family hair cuts in exchange...
the pride parade is tonight and i am still ambivalent about attending...on top of that it is raiining right now and i definitely do not want to go in the rain...i will consider it more and decide later...off to shop i go...
then there is the not yet contacted friend of 20 years ago...friend might be a bit of a stretch at this point, though i really do not know what her major beef is with me...i know she has misconstrued some past events that set it in motion, but it is a weird situation all around...i came across her on alumni.net and tried to email offeriing an olive branch and well wishes...the email bounced with a 'having difficulties, try later' message...perhaps it is not yet time for us to meet again...
i have to get back into the habit of blogging daily...it is something i think i needto do before reading other blogs or surfing the ring...i have considered this a lot during the break i took from it last week and i think that i read others' posts and often agree, feeling posting my own thoughts would be redundant and not necessary...
so i have decided that i will post something, then surf, then perhaps add agreement with a sister dykewriter...and if anyone has a problem with the redundancy they can move on or comment away...whatever...but i am reminded through this that the primary focus of my blog is me...
so...when you reconnect with a school chum after say 20 years, and she has little to say beyond forwarding all sorts of cutesy fartsy crap, how do you address this? she was my best friend through high school, so i have chosen to just delete the emails as i go which is really not at all a problem...but is it something that should be addressed? thoughts please ladies...
it has been nearly a week since my last post...what a slacker...there has been some politicking going on behind the scenes at work which might make for some disturbance in the force...the dragon lady has become my direct supervisor...do i need supervision after a year in this position? fuck no...my only issue really with the entire dramatic ordeal is that the dragon lady thinks it makes her look good if she makes another look bad...we are in a small office and it seems nearly everyone else has more issue with this latest turn of events than i do...i really do not take it all too seriously so i suppose that is why i am less bothered by it...i will still call in to the boss...i will still request time off through the boss...
i think that she is my supervisor to insure that the work i am taking over from her is done properly...so trainer would be more accurate...i also think in part the boss made her my supervisor to get her off his back...only time will tell if i am meant to stay there...for now i am taking the high road and letting the pieces fall into place without interference from me...
seems like wit and see should be my motto in life these days...i feel today as if my life might become one giant holding pattern...
while surfing the ring this week i saw assignment #3 on someone's site...at least i think it was number 3...it was the question about identity and all the trapping of having one...or more than one...
this blog is a new identity for me of sorts, but only in its anonymity...it is the same me...just a less restricted version of me...however in contemplating this rather thoroughly since the assignment was given, i feel a heavy dichotomy surrounding the issue taxing my brain...i have never lied about who i am when meeting someone on the net...there is little i would not reveal if asked either...i have always considered myself an open book...
i have met some fabulous people online...the few i have actually met in real time have all been good experiences, but each time this has happened, it has been the end of the connection...not for any reason though, just the natural completion of the path...
the exception to this is the BG...we will soon celebrate our 4th anniversary...actually we are in the anniversary period already...perhaps the others fall away to allow her center stage...
it has been such a bizarre week...today was a primo bizarre day that just capped it all off nicely...my morning started with me unable to locate hair products i thought were in a certain box...when i packed them, my hair did not need them so they were not put in a box of any importance...last night on a whim i got a perm, and damnit, i needed that mousse this morning!! i survived using a different product, but i now have a mission this weekend to find what i need...
my next craziness occurred on the way to work...i stopped at starbucks and the line was out the door, so i elected to not wait and just drink yoohoo which i already had at work...of course, as compensation, i stopped at la madeleine for a cinamon twist...this is my favorite pastry and i have one a couple of mornings a week...light and airy, ansd as pastries go, really not too sinful at all...they have removed it from the offerings...fuckers...anna (the counter grrl) got the most disgusted roll of my eyes that i have given anyone in a loooooooong time...
i got to work and was somewhat disgusted and went in to tell the BG what had happened and how we should never patronize la madeleine again, and she volunteered to run to starbucks to make up for it...what a babe...
my day then went along and i felt the week from hell receding...becoming part of the background...then i see the dragon lady in a meeting with the boss and the managing editor...the result of this meeting is that i am taking over a shitload of her responsibilities, many of which, unknwn to the boss, i already do...so she is in there making her self look good while making me look inadequate...g...r...r...r...
in addition to me assuming a portion of her work because her new position just requires so much more of her time, she is now my direct supervisor...somebody please cut out my tongue now...
is this really necessary? my direct supervisor??!!?? i need to ask her on monday what, precisely, does this mean...we are a small publishing business, 11 employees...i have been unsupervised for about a year and more productive than she ever was before she was promoted and i was hired...
i am remaining calm and will see how it all goes...the bg has already said if i feel i have to quit, we will make do with less money until i find something else...i really do not think it will be all that bad, but it is just the appropriate ending for the week i have had...unless, of course, it is merely the beginning...
Is this a movie about hoopty in his latest employment endeavor?
THE FLUFFER - Greenway Theatre
The Fluffer is a darkly comic movie about obsession, submission, money
and sexuality. The story centers on Johnny Rebel (Scott Gurney) -- a
hot-blooded heterosexual male who makes his living as a gay porno star.
The reason: money. Sean (Michael Cunio) is young, naïve and adventurous.
Moving to L.A. to pursue a career in movies, he becomes diverted to
working for the porno industry as a "fluffer." The reason: Johnny Rebel.
Enter Babylon (Roxanne Day) -- Johnny's stripper girlfriend who's
willful, charismatic and hard as nails -- and a most unusual love triangle
emerges. Deborah Harry co-stars. Not rated, for mature audiences only.
the more i think about his comment, the more i am furious that he dare be judgemental...the laundry list of his...siins...would likely make blogger malfunction for trying to post so much text at once...inhale...2...3...4...exhale...2...3...4...
he has arrived at his father's and as i knew, his father's first words to me were about him getting big...not that he has grown because he has not seen him in almost a year, but that he is thick...the boy is 11 and a size 12...normal...if he comes home with a complex i will have yet another reason to be nauseated by his father...sigh...
beyond ambivalence there is also some potential for realization that i am not at a point i want to confront...there has been a distance lately between the BG and i that i cannot really define...it is disconcerting at best...i am not sure if that expresses how i am feeling about it or if that was dancing around it, but i will have time to contemplate it thoroughly...
might just be a two twinkie morning...took my youngest to the airport for 6 weeks with his father which i am extremely ambivalent about...i need the break, vs his dad being a poor example...i know i need to breathe and relaz and just meditate about it...and be glad he is nearly 12 and is more aware than his dad knows of how it is...
as i was exiting the back of the building on my way to lunch, i elected to take the most direct path, which happened to lead me between two women in conversation (on a smoke break) rather than around them...i have seen them many times before as we have been in this building now for more than half a year, but i have not met or been formally introduced...a 'hi' in passing is the most we have ever exchanged...i smiled as i walked past and one said after exhaling, "oh, you don't say excuse me when you are walking between people in conversation?" i did not miss a beat in responding, "oh, you don't say excuse me when exhaling into the air i have to breathe?"
does it say something to have this dialog with my self only to find so little said? this is how i am feeling today...i accomplish much in my thought processes by babbling on in my blog, and by reading the babble of others, yet i simultaneously feel quite stagnant...it is at times rather disconcerting...i feel as if i could sit and watch the squirrels in the yard for days, documenting their habits, yet for what? just to know they will steal pecans from the tree? pecans i want to steal? what else have we in common, these squirrels and i...
and let us not forget to do a collective cringe each time i hit the wrong fucking function key while working in DOS...sigh...i do not need to corrupt any data bases today!!
friday morning...thank fucking goddess...it has been a week of neverending mindless busy work crap which has left me unable to concentrate on much of anything...all of life's little stresses have at one moment or another, plucked my last nerve this week and in addition to all this, aunt flo has arrived...at least i know that in 3 days i will be getting it all together once again...back to DOS for a while...yippee...
i just spent some time chattiing with my wasband's wife...we were discussing the two of us taking our sons to jamaica in the spring for a little getaway...won't that scare the shit out of the wasband...
it is weird being back in a more alert state...it seems that for the past few months i have had a few weeks where 5 hours sleep is what's required, followed by a couple of weeks where i want 7 or 8 hours...then a couple of days where i need 10 hours...ahem, perhaps i should actually take the iron pills i am on duriing those days...the 10 hour days are usually post-aunt-flo, which leads me to think this cycle might be hormonal...maybe i will drop an email to the endo and let him know since i do not see him again til october...of course it might be wise to dpcument the pattern for him to evaluate...i can almost be a good patient...as opposed to patient, of course...
weepy spider bites suck...especially when the ooxe is getting on your nice silk shirt...
to the assholemotherfuckerdouschebag driving the dark green isuzu trooper that cut me off merging onto I-10 this lunch-time...i have cursed you and your vehicle and you are going to hell...judging by the long wide scrapes down BOTH SIDES (!!!) of your vehicle, you really need a clue that your aggressive merging/turning style needs some serious modification...
ps...you are as ugly as your car...u-g-l-y...you ain't got no alibi, YOU'RE UGLY!!
back to the perceived anonymity of this blog...i suppose in considering this a journal, i think of it as private thoughts that the BG is not entitled to...i cannot imagine telling her i have this blog that i would prefer you not read, and then expecting she would not read it...in addition to the journal aspect, i seriously consider it therapy...this is where the feedback comes in...
it is nice to have feedback from people that do not know all the particulars...i wonder how unbiased it will remain...
on that note, i think i might be able to sleep soon...i hope...
i am feeling very lost in the relationship i suppose...i know i do not like that, and i do not have any ideas about what to do about it...
i have been rereading some of the emails we exchanged when we first met 4 years ago...i still feel the same love for the BG i expressed in them, and it has deepened with time...rereading them has made me rather emotional and sad because i do not feel i am receiving the same emotion from her as i used to...it has sort of validated that something is missing...or hibernating maybe...why has this changed and how do i even begin to address it...
i have always been terrible at discussing emotional issues...i am the most confident person you will meet in any and every other way...in part, this inability is responsible for the dissolve of my marriage...when i miscarried, i shut down...i came across some letters my wasband had written to his mistress surrounding this...it is not something i want to happen again, but i feel totally inept...quite powerless...just not equipped to change this...
i know intellectually it is an insecurity, and one so strong that i am afraid to risk all that is good for this miniscule badness...i know too that the pain and sorrow will grow if it is not confronted...seems a classic catch 22...
this is frustrating at the moment because if i blog about it fuurther now, i will end up crying at my desk...additionally, i cannot blog about it from home at the moment because the phone lines for our block were cut accidently by someone digging that did not call miss utility first for authorization...the phones went out yesterday morning so hopefully they will be fixed by this evening...
i agree with the comments received about trust and telling the BG about this blog...it is difficult for me to explain how i feel about all of that...certainly i would not use this or any other blog as a means of cruisin' chicks...in that sense it is not a test of trust...i do, however consider this therapy i can afford...
i don't think she is suspicious of my time online, and i did not mean to imply that i would deliberately hide this from her...most anything i might bitch about here are things i wish i could discuss with her without drama ensuing...in my evolution toward a more peaceful existance, i let a lot of little crap go unsaid, mostly because i have learned along the road of life, that in the long run, most of it just does not matter...
during this process it is at times difficult to not feel as if i am being walked all over, which is not to say i am being walked on...
at times the BG is very cynical...most of the time iin fact...also often seems paranoid about things...cynicism is not something i know how to deal with...it often hurts my feelings and i cannot help but think i would be hurting her feelings in return by responding to it...i have no idea how to respond to it, nor do i have any ideas about how to discuss these small issues i have with her without her giving a cynical response that will hurt my feelings...
i was up til 12:30 last night surfing the dykewrite ring...i am still a bit not awake, so i am not going to reference any posts, but i was feeling as if i had a lot of the same things going on as many of the women i was reading...
having just moved, i am not used to the way the computer is set up and i was feeling a lack of privacy for posting...i really should just not worry about it, but i feel a certain vulnerability about this blog becoming common knowledge to the BG...could be she is reading it already as i am certain she is more computer savvy than i, and even though i have taken steps to appreciate some anonymity, anyone reading this who knows me well, would clearly know it is me...
benign...but i need to do it all again in 4 months...i can appreciate the need to monitor, and that cells change and it could actually become cancerous, but damnit...it is an uncomfortable procedure...maybe a valium before is warranted...it is so hard to not breathe while the needle is in there, and i know it is maybe 10 seconds before it is over...feels like an eternity when you are told 'now don;t breathe'...fuckers...
this is what i learned from visiting artemis today..."Statistically you should die on Sunday August 21, 2050 at 7:02:06 PM. Your average life span is: 86 Years Old. By modifying your Health, Lifestyle, Diet and Environment you can live to be: 100 Years Old. You were born on Friday, September 11, 1964. You have lived 13,782 days and have 17,608 days left to live. Lets make them count!"
who really wants to live longer than 86? certainly not me...i would be quite content with another 50 years so i think i might not alter anything just to live to 100...100 is fucking old...
tracy.s posting of lyrics has me off on a tangent, but more towars ones that in some way inspire me, rather than those that crack me up...(at the moment, anyway...)...so the ones swimming through my brain this very second are from ani difranco, also likely tracy inspired (she's so crazy!!)...the only song i can name of hers is 32 flavors...
"squint your eyes and look closer
i'm not between you and your ambition
i am a poster girl with no poster
i am thirty-two flavors and then some
and i'm beyond your peripheral vision
so you might want to turn your head
cause someday you're going to get hungry
and eat most of the words you just said"
when i first heard this it was by alana davis who did an excellent cover of it on her first cd...it was around the time i was first coming out and all my dyke friends complained about my gushing about this song by alana that was so great...they all corrected me of course and informed me that ani's version was just sooooo much better...i do like ani's version, but i still insist alana's is the better of the two...
i have not been able to bring myself to purchase an ani cd simply because there is way to much angst and her music is often difficult to listen to...i did listen to reveling and reckoning and one of the 2 was something i ,might want to get sooner or later, but at the moment it is still later...
it is somewhat disconcerting for me to contemplate the parameters of why that post affected me so...i often consider what may come of 'happily ever after' as all of life's frivolous baggage evaporates now that we are moved...will the settling leave me more unsettled that i can now imagine?
i have been adamant in recent years when giving unsolicited advice to friends that it is useless to play the what if game...i think in this instance it is best to heed my own advice and go with the flow...one day at a time has always served me well, especially when i am exiting a phase of bad movie, which i am or at the very least seem to be...i hear la madeleine calling my name...
i was simply taken in by this post by M.T. Fierce titled "Quiet Times...i won't quote her here, but it touched my soul and made me weep...perhaps this is another reason i should not surf the ring at work...but it is so much faster with the t1 line than it is with ye olde dialup...
i simply hate it when the work routine is fucked with...several people are out sick forciing me to deal with people i normally do not have to deal with...this just sucks...i want all this under my control!! however, none of it ever is...
i have decided that the dragon lady is a non-entity...hopefully this will reduce the impact her bitchiness has on me...she has definitely cultivated the dark side of the force...i think she is not even a bitch as much as she is just bad energy...
sigh...it sucks when a new phone jack is not working and one is unable to connect to the internet...i stayed home sick after my appointment yesterday and could not get online...sigh...
the biopsy was not too bad...i had to lay in the most uncomfortable position with my neck hyper extended for the ultrasound portion of it and then again while the biopst itself was being done...the anesthetic stung like hell, and it was still uncomfortable while the doc was doing it...
the nurse that was assigned to me was one of my psycho former clients so that did nothing to soothe me...i do give her credit at seeming competent, but she did not tell me anything i had not read at the about.com site...
the swelling is still present and it is tender when i swallow, but mostly it is like a stiff neck from having slept wrong...i will schedule the follow up with my doc tomorrow to see what is going on with it...
what a slow work day...sigh...i have plenty to do, of course, but it is a task i simply dread...entry of foreign addresses into DOS...sighx2...the database is half done, but it is also half not done...only 1500 more to go...
tomorrow morning is my biopsy appointment...not sure how i feel about that...i remember having the thought over the weekend that i would find out soon enough what it all means...
i actually got some stuff accomplished yesterday afternoon...most of our clothes have been folded and sorted which was a chore...the BG is a dresser person and i am a closet person...as part of the rennovations, we have removed closets in order to reclaim wasted space as the previously existiing closets offered little in terms of storage due to poor design...
the apartment we moved from had a huge walk in closet for the master bedroom and almost everything was hanging...we will be getting some type of closet system, but have not picked it up yet, but hanging space will be minimal at best...likely just enough for our better clothes and my dresses...so everything else had to be folded and sorted...we are using our book shelves for the interim...what i do for love...
i have been such a slacker...the computer was hooked up and working fine tuesday evening after the move, but there is so much piddly crap associated with moving it is pathetic...finally today we got the last of it from the apartment and did the final cleaning and walk through...as i knock on wood that this is the last move i make, so do i vow that should i ever move again, not only will i hire movers to move the furniture, but i will also have them or someone else to pack all the shit...a moving coordinator perhaps...
anyone who has been reading along knows that i am guilty of major procrastination when it comes to the grunt work of moving, but it has kicked my ass...my feet are in desperate need of a pedicure which i will treat myself to on the 15th, if not sooner...i am taking the BG for a massage that day and i think we will have an all around goddess day, but shhh...no telling...
i got to speak with one of the elder neighborhood busy bodies this morning as i was unloading the jeep...
"oh, did they sell the house? are you the new owner?"
"no," i replied, with my best about to toy with the elderly heterosexuals smile..."the BG still owns the house, but she and i are moving in now with our kids..."
"we saw all the construction going on,"
"yes, the BG has been tearing down walls and moving them making more room for everyone..."
"we were worried it was another mold house."
"no," i assured her..."we have just been doing some renovations to make the space suit our unique family a little better"
"oh..." she said as she turned to continue her walk and consider the implications of 'unique'
this past year, when the BG's ex was living here, another dyke couple moved into the house next door...wait til the old folks realize there is another dyke family right next door...there goes the neighborhood...
