Life is not always fair. Or logical. Or pretty and nice.
This is my personal outlet for emotions that might otherwise be unleashed in an inappropriate manner.
Let it be known that "the BG" is my girlfriend whom I adore...the BabeGoddess, regardless of what I might be bitching about at any given moment within the walls of my blog.
"People can keep a journal to record their life, their thoughts, their happiness, the events of their families,
etc. They can also keep a journal of creative observations, their hopes, their ideas and dreams, as Leonardo da Vinci
did. He always had a notebook hanging from his belt to record his observations. I have one constantly in my
pocket and on my night table. We must be the source of good ideas and dreams for a better world. We are part of
evolution." -- ROBERT MULLER
"The defining characteristic of the literary vocation may be that those who
possess it experience the exercise of their craft as its own best reward, much superior to anything they might gain
from the fruits of their labors." from Letters to a Young Novelist by Mario Vargas Llosa
"The irony of life is not that you cannot forget but that you can." --Gertrude Atherton, 'Can Women Be Gentlemen'
Thursday, October 31, 2002
woohoo...i just got a new work type tool/toy...makes my job easier if for no other reason, it is one less thing i have to ask the dragon lady for...i can gather recaps for advertisers and reps online...yippee...
i think i just fucked up...i forgot i paid the dentist with my credit card and just paid 4 outstanding hospital notes with the same card to get them paid....i think in the process, i might have gone a few dollars overlimit which will suck because it will tack on a fee i was trying to avoid by using the cc in the first place...i hate financial drama and i was really convincing myself i was past it...what a pain inmy ass...i immediately went to knock the bill down by 200 before it is due and before it appears as processed, but i will have to wait while the system plays catchup...sigh...i need to go to an appointment and get the hell out of here for a few...
the office mate with the fairly recent huge rock, likely 6-8 carats between 3 stones, has traded in her explorer for a lexus...not sure what kind, but presumably an suv type...i just heard the dragon lady discussing it with her saying, "yeah, i thought about a lexus when i bought the truck, i always wanted one, but with my son going off to college, i decided on not taking the extra expense..."...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA...yeah, right...
yesterday afternoon i received a call at work from my friend beth...she told me there was a drag king contest at the lesbo bar and that she and her gf were gonna go...it was late, not til 11, but she thought our old asses should join them...after work, the BG and I had to work on getting the wet boxes out of the garage from the flood and after that we took a nap and joined the grrls at the bar at about 1030...there were only 4 contestants and it was interesting, but rather lost on me...the event was not well publicised as this was the first i had heard of it...
i found it curious that all 4 women chose music that was lyrically beyond sexist and discriminatory to women...derogatory stuff...and from artists who are public homophobes...none were songs i could even tell you the name of, but i do remember a line from the winners song about putting some anthrax on your tampax from eminem...how lovely...
it was nice to be out with our friends doiing the lesbo thing and we really should do this more often...in fact, next wednesday we are going to lesbo happy hour at a posh boy bar with them...the meteor lounge...woooooooooooooooooo...
almost time to scoot on out of here...i have to go to target on the way home to get some more rubbermaid bins for storage in the garage and then to pick up some groceries...i am feeling like boar's head sammiches for dinner...not sure what else...then home to clean some in the garage...luckily, it is bulk trash pickup week, so we will not have to keep the wet box mess from the flood around more than a few days...
i need to work out some kind of writing schedule for myself, but have no idea where i will begin with that...something to ponder while sorting through the crapola in the garage...
well, the sayan started packing last night, so it would seem he is going as early as saturday...i was thinking i might tell him that if he keeps running away like this from whatever is bothering him without mentioning it or confronting it in any way, he will not find the happiness he is seeking...i think what bugs me the most is that his sorry ass father who has shown no interest in 17 years is perhaps getting a dramatized view of whatever is plucking the sayan's last nerve...
my sister went through this with her daughter at the same age and told her that she would always have a home with her...we talked about this over pizza when i was home last month in perhaps the most relevant conversation we have ever had, and i told her i would not make the same offer...i think that perhaps his exit it precipitated by our conversation that as of his birthday he will have to pay to live with us...good luck to him if he has found a free ride i suppose...
it just irritates the piss out of me that both my sons have been "taken" from me by men no longer worthy of *my* time or attention, nor are they in my opinion worthy of the boys themselves...it is a double edged sword as well, because my most selfish self prefers they live with their fathers...i just wish their fathers were better men than what they have become...
it has been raining steadily for the last 2 weeks to the point where the ground is pretty saturated...not a problem for most, but when yo live at the lowest point on the block in a house that has flooded before, it becomes a small concern...the rain has been more a constant misty drizzle with small spurts of shower here and there, and the past few days i have been consciously waiting for the sky to open up and send the flood...last night, this happened...
after it had been pouring about an hour, we went to look and the water had come over the drainage ditches and the yard was beginning to fill...the back yard had also begun the creep towards the house, but was not too bad...less than an hour later, the BG went to check the garage...
"fuck," she shouted...."oh shit...fuckity, fuck, fuck, fuck..."
yes, the garage had already flooded...i am pretty sure any of our stuff that is out there is in rubbermaid buckets, but the ex's crap is not, and all of it is mostly crap that he has not reclaimed, but she could not throw because the minute she did he would be wanting it...so it will be a mess to clean up, but it will at least be gone...
while i was chatting and waiting for the water to come into the house and ruin all the new floors so lovingly installed by the BG, my son came home from work...he is a child who sees himself as a sayan (not up enough on dragonball z to be confident that this is the correct spelling), or one who asks for nothing...he will mention things of importance in round about ways, which is aggravating to no end...last night when he came in, he asked if he could afford the cost of a ticket to go to his dad's...i went to look it up at cheaptickets.com and was filling in the travel dates...his go date would be sometime next week...
me: and your return date?
the sayan: none...
this is how he tells me he has decided he is moving...now i could be a hardass and make him wait until he is 18 in 2 months, but we want his room as a sitting room, and he realy is better suited, i think, to living with his dad, even though i think his dad not worthy...the dad who has had virtually no interest in hiim before a mmonth ago for the past 17 years...never too late in a child's eyes i suppose...
after we find out the ticket deals, the conversation continued...my cell phone was sitting on the desk charging...
the sayan: so, you can call long distance free after 9?
me: yes...
the sayan: as long as it is after 9 i mean...
me: (looking at the computer time) yes...
the sayan: too bad i do not have a cell phone that i could use for free after 9 to call my dad...
me: yes...
now, if he had simply said, "ma, it's after 9, can i use your phone to call my dad?" i would have said sure...but could he ask simply?
a part-time editor just came in to work in the office today, in october, in a spaggheti strap shirt, braless...just when i think i have someone figured out...
forgot to mention...since last night's alias was a sucky repeat, the nerve, i watched pretty woman and as good as it gets on cable yesterday, too...one and a half times each...
i was at work this morning by 7:05...i love being the only one here...the weekend was pretty quiet...on saturday i stayed in bed most of the day reading a new book of an online friend for critique...it was most excellent and i thoroughly enjoyed it and cannot wait for it to come out...yesterday i went out and bought new pillows at super k-mart...i have been loyal to the martha stewart grandma pillows and it was time for some new...i am glad with all the drama she and k are both embroiled in that they are still available there...it is a feather pillow and i have been using this type for about the last 7 or so years...it is not quite enough support for the BG, but there is also a grandpa pillow which is some sort of poly fill so i got those for her to try out...
i also went to the container store to do a little browsing of their christmas wonderland...i like the wraps they have, but the entire display was not fully stocked so i decided to wait and check back before i make any purchase decisions...maybe once i get some i will figure out how to make it the bckground for the blog to offer some holiday cheer to this dump...
i went to lobo, the gay bookstore still open here in houston, and picked up a couple of books, and i also went to half price books and got a few more books there(a different location than i went to thursday night)...
i went to cafe artiste while i was out and had the classic split for brunch...there is a jazz duo that plays there each sunday and the BG and i go quite often, so it was a little strange to be there alone...i had my book with me and wrote for about an hour and was wishing i had a copy of the novel in progress so i could work on the character bios...the time for me to purchase a laptop is nearing...maybe i will treat myself after the holidays...
this afternoon i get to leave work early...yippee...where the yippee would normally be genuine, the occasiion requiring my early departure is a root canal, so i am going to try to keep my energies calm today so i do not get worked up over this...deep cleansing breath...2...3...4...hold...2...3...4...exhale...2...3...4...
another thing i would like to do this weekend is further flesh out the characters in the novel i am forever working on...i think the latest concept has been stewing enough lately that i am ready to write actual character bios...
in other writing news, i am sending the joey story out as a contest submission, so if there are any late breaking thoughts about it, please let me know...
it is still grey and wet...this is somewhat draining, but i suppose for houston, it it the sign that fall is here...we have had nothing much other than rain for almost two weeks now...i have an advance copy of a book to read and review for a friend, so i suppose now is a good time to do this, but i would like to see some sunshine, too, and the forcast has rain continuing through wednesday...out house is in the lowest spot on the block and the ground is already saturated from all the rain we have had already...all it will take is one 'good' rain and the water would quickly rise and be in the house...i so do not want to experience this...a small corner of my mind says to me that we like the flooring choices we have made and that they will not be compromised by nature...it is not too late to cross my fingers as insurance...
the other thing i have noticed this week is stores gearing up for xmas...the BG commented that she is just not ready to see this...i say bring it on...when i was shopping last sunday with my bf paul, one of our stops was crate & barrel...i could spend my salary for the next year or two in there in an afternoon...what did i buy last weekend? a box of 12 one inch glass xmas balls in red/gold/coppery colors...they were beautiful...i might go back and buy a few boxes more once they go on sale and actually focus the tree this year...not likely, as i adore our eclectic menagerie of ornaments, bought and made and handed down...i really cannot wait to break them out of their jailhouses and get a tree up, but this will not happen until the weekend after thanksgiving...i also picked up two small goldfish ornaments at c&b as the color fit right in with the set i purchased...not often i get out of there for right around $20...
if you have not already done so, please go visit kevin at the homeless guy...his is a well written collection of thoughts about his struggle with homelessness...it is not often that my attention is captured by a man, and i read his site daily...i have decided to add kevin to my xmas list as it has dwindled so i feel that i can, and i want to...i think perhaps a goodie box with some of the things he suggests as a giveaway for local homeless peeps...i know i could take the time to find someone here in houston, but it is such a large city i am having difficulty not believing that the corner posers are scammers...i feel that kevin is genuine, so i am sending to him as my holiday random act of kindness...i will still do an angel tree gift as well, but this is something i want to do...i am thinking of sending an email to my office mates letting them know in case anyone wants to contribute anything, but part of me is afraid i will see them in an even worse light than i presently do in the event that they offer nothing...i am still not sure about mentioning it at all...maybe i will just put a note up on the fridge...maybe, too i will volunteer again for feeding the homeless at thanksgiving...i have not done that since i moved here...
It was the funniest thing…really…when I left to get the mail this afternoon, I saw that someone had left their lights on…it is yet another dreary rainy day here in Houston, so I figured it was possible that someone just parked and has the auto shut-off feature on their headlights…I am not in the habit of even using the parking garage, preferring to park outside, so when I returned from the mail run to see the lights still on, I parked nearby and walked over to see which company’s reserved space this was…
I went into the building and located them in the directory and went to the offices where I was greeted in the reception area by 3 women each at their own desk…as I asked if someone in their office drives a black land rover, a rather large man was coming from an office and hearing what I was asking, got a rather sour look on his face…I can only imaging he thought I hit his car…
One of the women spoke up, “yes, someone here drives a land rover…”
“Well, he left his lights on,” I offered.
The large man recovered enough to speak, knowing his car had not been hit, “why is it you presume it is a man’s car and say ‘he’?”
In my coolest you’re-such-a-dumbshit voice I answered, “Because it is such a man thing to do, don’t you think?”
The women were all hysterical and giving the high fives as I had just put their boss in his place for them…
time for a song...Water of Love...by Dire Straits...i first heard this song on a tape when i was about 13 i think...it is off the first music i ever bought for myself...i still love this song today and am currently listening to Dire Straits live at the BBC...loveit!!
High and dry in the long hot day
Lost and lonely in every way
Got the flats all around me sky up above
I need a little water of love
I've been too long lonely and my heart feels pain
Crying out for some soothing rain
I believe I have taken enough
I need a little water of love
Water of love deep in the ground
But there ain't no water here to be found
Some day baby when the river runs free
Gonna carry that water of love to me
There's a bird up in a tree sitting up high
Waiting for me to die
If I don't get some water soon
I'll be dead and gone in the afternoon
Water of love deep in the ground
But there ain't no water here to be found
Some day baby when the river runs free
Gonna carry that water of love to me
Once I had a woman I could call my own
Once I had a woman now my woman is gone
Once there was a river now there's a stone
You know it's evil when you're living alone
Water of love deep in the ground
But there ain't no water here to be found
Some day baby when the river runs free
Gonna carry that water of love to me
buenos dias senoritas...i awoke this morning feeling quite refreshed...could that have anything to do with falling asleep (rather early for me) while watching tomb raider?? the lovely lara dancing through my subconscious all nnight long...i kept seeing the scene where she was doing the bungee ballet...
i have given much thought to this new goal of writing somewhere while otherwise being absent from life...i think my first effort at this needs to be a month in one place...that does not make the choosing any easier, but it does make the eventuality more real...i read the book Salt Rock Mysteries by Magdalena Zschokke, and i fell in love with the caicos islands...it was such a well written lesbian romance and i want to go there, so maybe it is an option...
last night we went to see auto focus, a new indie about bob crane...it was pretty good, though i am glad it was free...not sure it would have been worth 7.50 each...i thought the ending was a little hurried all of a ssudden, of course i suppose murder is...
we went to get the tickets after going home after work and letting the dog have his walk...i had laid out a tentative plan to the BG which had traffic accomodating us and everything running smoothly...it was flawless as it turned out...
leave work at 4 and take care of the dog...get to the theater to get pass by 530...eat dinner at pf chang's (lettuce wraps and double pan fried noodles, about 14 points for each of us which we had planned for)...go from there to saks to pay the bill iin the store...and then back to the movie by 730...
well, we had a little extra time while we were at saks, so we made the error in judgement of going up to salon z (the thick grrl department) to see if there was anything on the sale rack...there was and i came home with 4 new pieces of eileen fisherand the BG with one...that card will be paid off someday, but a grrl has to look good while she is losing weight...i indulged myself because stuff i had tried on near my birthday which did not fit, was fitting in the next smaller size...and i adore eileen fisher clothing, so when i can get it at less than half of its retail price, i am not able to resist...at least i have that control figured out food wise!!
even after the unscheduled shopping spree, we still were in the theater at 732, right on time, which given the cross town geograohy of where we were running around, in houston after work traffic, is amazing...
so fantasy mode is in overdrive with thoughts of going somewhere to write for 3 months...of course, ideally, i would know someone who needed a housesitter somewhere in europe for 3 months and it would not cost me anything...however, looking into hostels, i could stay for about 600 bucks a month, and that seems average, some slightly less or more...i wonder at what age does one become "too old for that crap" or is it a good roughing it type experience that would be minimally rough...it could be that this could be my ultimate weight loss reward to myself for when i get to goal...that gives me time to get debt-free, not terribly far off, and then save the required $$ for the trip as well as a good nest for my return sans job...maybe 10k total...i figure it is going to take me another year and a half to lose another 100 pounds, so in theory, i could certainly save the dollars in that same time frame...the possibilities are swimming through my brain doing laps...
one plan would be to stay 3 weeks each in spain, france, italy, and then greece...i know i would get more writing done staying in less places, so plan b is maybe spain and france...saving italy and greece for the second writing pilgrimage...or making a 4 year plan and going to one place per pilgrimage and limiting travel while there to what seems manageable...
i suppose i need to decide what the writiing goal should be for these trips...working on the novel with intent or writing whatever i write while there...as i become more disciplined on the novel currently, i guess this might clarify itself eventually...
i also just ordered the book Desirable Daughters byBharati Mukherjee...she is a future author reading in the series we attended...i suppose i should also look up the others to see if we want to do the season ticket thing...what else is there to do on so dreary a day...
my fakeuccino, on the other hand, is creamy and tan...it is a lovely english toffee caffe d'vita instand cappuccino...i have to get it from the 'other' less favored grocery store, but i have to go there anyway for boar's head, so it is not a terrible inconvenience...i suppose if it was i would order it from the web...
on my to-do list today is to order an entertainment book...for 20 bucks, it is chock full of coupons, and we have gotten them before and always made back our investment after using just one or two of the coupons...the last one we had was 2 years ago...i think i have had one for at least 10 years before that, usually getting it from a client in the salon whose child was selling them as a school fundraiser...they are available in most areas, customized by local region...the houston ne is nearly 2 inches thick...
also to-do, i have a pass for a movie tonight, or rather an email that entitles me to a first come first served pass...the movie is called auto focus and is about Bob Crane...we have a 100% success rate so far for these movie outings and when it is free, it usually makes it high on our list...we can get tix as early as 430 and the show is at 730 so i think in between we will head out to pay the saks bill and then grab a bite at pf changs...that should help alleviate the grey and wet delerium of the day...
everything is grey and wet...the black-topped highway, if you drive a cherokee, is slick like a 50s doo-wop doo...hitting the brakes at all is like taking a daring carnival roller coaster ride...the concrete of the parking garage with its oil stains here and there is equally slick underfoot...i rarely park inside, but nnow i am still dry, and can call myself a skilled navigator as i made it in across the vast amalgam of patchy stain...it is definitely the rainy season here in houston...
i think i might have my work situation back to what i like to consider n ormal tomorrow...this means stress free and time for surfing...let's just cross some fingers, shall we please?
we went to a coffee house after the reading that we like and instead of dessert, i ordered their garlic cheese bread...it was very good and we thoroughly enjoyed it...i was telling the BG about a new blog on my daily reads (linked as bananie, i think) and that i thought this woman was a good writer...i was telling her how amazing i thought it was that she could go to ireland to write for 3 months...
the BG: you can do that soon you know...
stunned look from me...
the BG: of course i would miss you and i am not sure i would like you being gone that long, but you are nearly debt free and you COULD do this...
more stunned look, but the wheels are already turning...
the BG: seriously, you should make a plan...
so now i can think of little else...once i am debt free, which is in about 6 months, i could sock away at the very least half of my income to make this an eventuality...so now tha fantasies begin on where i would actually want to do this...
i slept in a little this morning and got here about an hour later than normal, and normal is about half an hour or so early, so i was really only half an hour late...
the BG and i went last night to an installment of the margaret root brown reading series to see sandra cisneros...it was fabulous...she was a very inspiring artist, even inspiring the BG (a fine artist) to think about getting herself reacquainted with her own artistic edge (she has been on an art sabbatical of sorts considering the remodel as a work in progress)...i have read one of her short stories, and now have to seek out her novels...last night she was reading from her latest Caramelo...it was such a delightful evening, and definitely worth the half hour wait in line for a ticket...i am going to see how much it is for te season ticket for reserved seating as i think we will be going to more of these events...the theatre was a sellout. sro crowd...
in other news, we have decided to have a couple of friends over for a forray into entertaining...i think i will order some soup and rolls from eatzi's holiday menu, and definitely some corn bread too as thei's is the best i have ever had...i can then supplement this with some of my famous chicken wings and pork tenderloin from the grill, and also maybe make some of my fabulous mashed potatoes...i am so excited about getting the new grill so i can cook again, it is pathetic...i can pick up from eatzi's early for thanksgiving so i am going to see if everyone can make November 26 and we can have a pre holiday little get together...
whew...i thought the boss was getting in this morning and then leaving again before noon, but he is finally gone...it is very disconcerting when i have my mind set for things to proceed through the day in a certain way and then things go differently...i saw my boy-friend paul yesterday...we went shopping and to lunchand had a lovely time...he is having a key made for me so if i want to indulge in some holiday baking, i can use his kitchen even when he is not home...i was so touched...i am also going to use it to feed his doggiedogg while he is gone on a gayribbean cruise next week...it would be so wonderful if he could meet someone special...i will have to remind him to grab me a postcard or two while he is away...
while shopping, i bought two dresses a size smaller than i was wearing which was nice...both are layered sleeveless and long and one actually comes with pants under rather than a dress...i like them and am glad to have a few new things...
the new bookshelves are up and the old ones have been reassigned for display in another room...the BG also put up some art yesterday so it feels as if we could have people in and not feel so under construction...maybe a light holiday gathering is in order...i might order a few things from eatzi's and have some friends over pre thanksgiving, maybe monday night or something...i will have to check the pick up dates for that holiday and see what is available and make a plan...if nothing else, we can have paul over for dinner...i need to schedule more time with him as i miss working with him...
friday morning and i think i have work under coontrol today...if i do not lollygag too terribly much, i will be able to have everything parcelled away where it belongs by 4 and have actually cleaned my desk with pledge...i might even get a jump on monday and prepare some tear sheets for invoicing so they are as ready to go as i can have them...maybe...
i have decided i want to have my current works in progress a little more available from this blog so that i am not bringing a diskette back and forth and risking forgetting it in my work machine...i am not sure how i will do this yet, maybe just set up a link on the side bar with each piece i am working on from its own page...i suppose to keep my mind from getting too confused, i can work from a different font color as i go, though i am not sure if that will be more a pain in the ass or not...
weight watchers was good yesterday as i lost another 2.4 pounds...i have been curious as to how some others are doing with it that were blogging about it at one time a bit...it sort of felt like a bunch of us dwers started it around the same time, but now i do not see much about it...of course i can appreciate not wantiing to dwell on it...i am approaching my 10 % goal, and am hoping to lose another 20 by the christmas party, though it is not a big deal if i do not...i refuse to succumb to any pressure...i had anoreo day on wednesday...ate 18 points worth while i was here at work...2 here, 2 there and they were so yummy...that deliscious chocolate creme was just calling my name...it was not a bad day, as i counted the points...not too long ago i would have eaten them and pretended they would not affect my efforts...so after 18 points of oreos and 4 points of lean pocket, what's a grrl to do for dinner? well, i still had 6 poiints to get to my low end so i went and had a huge salad with some chicken breast and pasta and a cup of chicken soup...it was 7 points, but i get 28-33 a day right now, so i was well within...i think that once my points are down to 22-27 i might have to start exercising to buy a few points here and there, but i will judge that as i go...well enough of that...time to get some work done...
i am off to DOS hell for a while...yippee...and the BG is home, err, sick, yes that's it, she;s sick today...i wonder if that means she will be bored at some point and reading my therapy...hmmm...kisses to you dearie if that is so...muah...i also have to go see my thyroid dr around 1030 i think, should be good for a couple of hours away...and yes, i might actually stop by his office while i am out!!
it is always so nice when the boss is out of the office...i asked today about the christmas party and if my boyfriend can come, and i was told "...of course, everyone is allowed a guest..." now how long will it take for the rumor mill to be going full force? I am not out here, but everyone presumes that the BG and i are a couple, so this should fuck with some othem just a little...i called up my boyfriend (an older flaming queen of a hairdresser whhom i adore) and he said he would be delighted to escort me...woohoo...
i think i am caught up enough to be able to finish catching up tomorrow...i had the bast of intentions in saying earlier i was staying today til my desk was cleared, and 98% is cleared, but i fouundout the boss is out of the office the rest of the week, so i will be stress free and able to catch up without stating more over than i am right now...sigh...
i am so ambivalent about keeping this job...i really dislike the atmosphere here and on top of that i do not care for most of my coworkers...of course there is the up side too, having a decent salary for the first time in my life, which at 38 is way past due...i just wish ihad someone sitting on my shoulder confirming or negating the choices i make...i am at this point determined to stay here as long as i comfortably can, but i need to refocus my energies to where i will benefit the most...today, that means staying as late as needed to clear my desk...sigh...
well i survived the weekend, and it is monday morning again...i have a dental appointment this morning and i am nnot sure it is a dentist i want to be going back to on principle, but this is a cleaning and pain resolution issue, so i would rather see her than go to someone new...a year or so ago i had to get a crown...i had been seeing this dentist for about 3 years and my insurance had ended at penney's, but not yet begun at the new job...she told me she was going to submit it anyway as it was the day after my end date, and she had called and they showed me active still...we knew the retro date would apply, but she told me i could pay the insurers portion however i had to...when it came time to pay, her office would not accept 20 bucks a month, so it went to collection...through collection i am paying 20 bucks a month, so it was all infuriating and in addition i have a collection ding now on my credit report which is ailing enough in divorce recovery...
so i leave in a few minutes to go see them, and hopefully not lose a tooth in the process...it would be so fitting for the troubled tooth to be the same one that the financial drama revolves around...
in other weekend news, the Bg and i went to House in the Heights for her birthday dinner...i had read a review in the local gay paper that was intrigueing and it seemed both elegant and special occasion affordable...the review said prix fixe at $28 per person, and in actuality it was $40 per person...i could swing it thank goddess, but i am not sure if i should mention this to either the owner or the paper, or both...i was a little taken aback by a bill that was 24 bucks more than i anticipated, but the meal was both excellent and elegant and the BG and i loved the atmosphere for romance as well...maybe i will send an email to both of them this afternoon...still have to think about it because i feel like i deserve compensation from someone for the error, but we will go back here again and do not want to alienate the chef/owner...
yesterday was one of shopping and laundry...looking more than buying, and then home to watch alias...i even got back into the writing groove on the new story i am working on after it has sit for a month or so...i think this one has novel potential, so we shall see where it goes...time to scoot to the dentist...
i have been out to myself since the summer of 1994...i was 29 then, the age of reason, at least for me...i was happily married, with 2 children, and the light came on like a beacon in the night...i had previously had experiences that i now see as having been signs that i might be a lesbian, but i do not believe any of the first 29 years to have been lived in denial...
coming out to me is an ongoing progression that picks up speed every now and again as easily as it idles...when i was still in virginia, and married, there were a lot of events that influenced my decision to actively be lesbian...the most prominent of these was discovering my wasband's affair...had he just had sex with another, that would have been forgivable, but no, he gave exchanged emotional need and desire and after the first time, turned around and did it again...not only did thhis experience alter the path of our marriage, it changed the person he is...this, in turn, allowed the progression of the person i am...
on coming out day in 1997, i came out to my salon manager at jc penney in virginia...i had an idea that she knew anyway, but wanted it to be official and clear that i am a lesbian...she was totally unruffled and was glad on a personal level as it made it easier to know that there was an increased level of respect and confidence between us...it is rare at jcp to have an asst salon manager, but i was her salon coordinator which ammounts to the same thing...the next week i had a dollar an hour raise which i know was attributable to me coming out to her...
oddly enough there are stylists that i worked with there who still do not know i am a lesbian...i thought it was something that was common knowledge as the rumor mill in a salon is both swift and vicious...there were 32 stylists and i was respected by all of them, even if they did not care for me personally,unfathomable, i know...i came out to the coworkers i was friendly with in an active way...
after there was no negative fallout, i began coming out to my clients, deciding on an individual basis which ones i wanted to know...somewhere along the way, i decided to just presume it is common knowledge...that everyone knows...if a guy were to say "my boyfriend blahx3...", everyone would know he means his "boy"friend and few would not know he was gay...for women to say "my girlfriend...", it is rather ambiguous, and is a comfort level most clients like...
in 1998 i met the BG on the internet and my coworkers in va thought i was nuts...i think at this time, any that did not know i was a lesbian figured it out...even though we had 4 receptionists, we all had to answer the phone from time to time...the BG would call me on occasion at work just to tell me she loved me and that she could not wait til i was online again so she could tell me then...
after meeting her the end of april, i came to tx to meet and see if it was as real as i believed it to be for a week long vacation in july...it was, and i moved 3 weeks later, transferring with jcp...my clients were shocked, more for their own inconvenience of losiing a hair goddess, and my coworkers thought i was certifiable...my wasband and i were officially seperated before i met the BG and he was overseas during all this...and the kids just thought it was a new start sort of adventure...
on cooming out day 1999, i came out to my new manager...i had worked with her for more than a year and she saw me as a tremendous asset so i felt it was safe...she was also younger than me and a bit of a hick who saw her self as very hip...stylish, yes, hip, no...that all went well and she eventually wanted to know all about it as she approached her 29th birthday and found herself divorced with 2 kids...no, she is not lesbian...but it was again a good experience to come out...
this year, i was going to rock someone her at the office and let them know, but after the review drama, i decided it is really not anyone's busiiness as there is no one here i consider friend material...i thought about it once i decided i will leave sooner rather than later and tried to envision meeting up for lunch with anyone here...not gonna happen...
i came out to my kids about a year or 2 after moving here to make it official...the oldest now 17 simply said "duh...", and the youngest did not believe me...he is now 12 and i think he knows the BG and i are a couple, but there is some disonnance to him between that and me really being a lezzzzzzzzzzbian...
my parents, i think know, but prefer no confirmation...i still get birthday and holiday cash, so there is certainly no anomosity and they live far enough away that there is little interaction...if i lived near them, i would tell them...
not much else to say about this at the moment...more if the thoughts strike...
hopping around some of my online haunts last night i came across this book site called Book Crossings...i absolutely fell in love with this ideaand was clicking around the site for more than an hour...houston has 249 books in the wild...i need to see what i can do about spreading the word and see if i can find one or two of them and maybe even release a few (hah!!) of my own...
from that site i went on to this site...there are e-books available free, mostly classics that are considered public domain...i need to see what other links might stem off from there and check back for updates...i do not really care for e-books because i get too distracted at work if i am reading a book on the computer, and on my palm it just uses too much space...i also really like the feel of a book in my hand...letting my fingers caress the pages as i turn them...maybe i was a nerdy intellectual or librarian in a previous life, or maybe i am to be in the future...who knows, but i do get a strange comfort from being surrounded by books that only a true book whore can understand...
what progress i have made as an individual...i was emailed this morniinga performance review from the bossman...i am currently still so furious i have no idea where to put the mental energy that is swirling around me...i suppose it could be worse in that it could have been a termination notice, but it is full of inaccuracies and there is little recourse other that to prepare for an inevitable exit...it sucks...while i do not find all my coworkers near and dear, i like financial stability, if not security...
it just occurred to me i have not really blogged about my trip to see my dad...there was that moment of note in church which i have been giving a lot of thought to, and the moment of seeing my son's father for the first time in 17 years...topics for tomorrow as i am finally yawning...
i love sitting here in the silence of the evening when everyone else has gone to sleep...a night like tonight brings the sounds of rain falling outside the window, and the computer is situated near the corner of the house, so the rain converging from two sides sounds as if i am near a water spout...
i finished Henry and June while waiting with my son in the emergency room last night...he cut his finger at work and needed 3 stitches...it is bandaged in such a way that if he were to just wave, you would think he was flipping you off...Henry and June is going to need at least one more read before i feel i would be able to review it for my list...as i read it i felt on many occasions that i should be highlighting portions of text as i read and making notes in the margins...it is simply an exquisite read...Anais Nin was so prolific, i have no idea what to read of hers next...i might just begin with her earliest journal and read through them one after another...that might be somewhat overwhelming...she may be the one writer i would wish i could have a conversation with...
i just released my breasts from their daily bounds, and i see my left nipple is a bit weepy...it is day 9 and the neosporin is not to be used for more than 7 days straight, so i think since i have not used it for 2 days, i will get a hot washcloth to clean it off, and then slather some on before i go to bed this evening...otherwise, i might wake to a nasty crusty nipple which would just be icky...i will have to remember to not wear white tomorrow to work, just in case it is weepy still...
i am still getting a couple of figs each day, and i think the persimmon tree is on the verge of overdrive as far as harvest time approaching...until today, the pecans i have cracked have been seemingly empty and not ready for eating...i found 2 today that i cracked and they were so beautifully fresh...plump juicy nuts and even slightly sweet...unfortunately, i will sacrifice most of the persimmons this year as the stove is not yet in, but the pecans can be shelled and frozen, so i can make a pie as soon as the kitchen is ready...i wish i could make a fig and persimmon glaze for some roast pork, but that will have to wait til next year...i will be content to pop the figs right into my mouth as they come off the tree...
sitting at lunch i realized that i got into the habit of long hand journaling again while i was on vaca and the blog was unavailable...the task it seems, is to integrate the two once again...sounds like work, which i better get back to...
i have decided, i think, that i will continue with this blog as is...i realized last night that i need it, it is beneficial to my well being...and just now, that the benefit does outweigh the risk...it might still evolve differently, but then again, it might not...
there was at issue the BG's feeling that she has been cast in a less than good light...i have gone back an reread and do not feel this is the case...i have a disclaimer to clarify this, and also, a lot of entries where she is mentioned are in response to other questions, whether from dykewrite, comments, or another bog, or even from the inner workings of my mind...i love her wholly...she is my one desire, she lights my fire, the clothes are in the dryer...
in addition, after the conversation with my wasband, i realized in a similar vein, just like his issues with my words, they are not about him...the same can be said of this blog...it is not about the BG...it is about me...what i might be reacting to or feeling or thinking at any given mooment, whether it is rational to do so or not...
reprinted without permission...an excerpt from a conversation tonight with my wasband...
wasband: so you faked it everytime you said "I'm Coming"?
me: i never faked
me: it
me: i just never got there without toching my clit
wasband: i did ask you what i could do to be better for you
me: but you did not really want to know there was room for improvement
me: too bad you did not have all these fond memories when you went to iceland
me: you did the unforgivable and you knew it
me: it changed you
me: killed the man i married
me: and created the person you are today
me: had you not done that
me: we would still be happily married you know
me: you set all this into motion
wasband: i find that hard to believe when i sucked so bad at giving you pleasure
me: you gave me pleasure
me: there is a difference
me: this is why i prefer women
me: a woman knows what is necessary
me: sexually and otherwise
wasband: what is necessary
me: you haven't the time it would take for me to teach you
me: the man you have become is too far gone i think for a simple explanation with words
i think that is enough to make me vomit when i reread the archives...this excerpt is after about an hour of brutal mud slinging and me finally taking off the kidd gloves...also after the entire conversation producing no hysteria on my part...you have just witnessed another small evolution...the conversation then spun into what a bad example i think he is to our son and why...in a civilized fashion of raising of concerns...he does not get it...he will never get it...how can there be any hope that the next generation will ever get it?
icky...that is how i feel...i took some aleve which cut off the impending headache...i think the ickiness is from sleeping poorly which is from going to sleep (or trying to) in a slight upset state...i know from experience this happens, that it literally makes me less than well...i suppose someday i will learn...
why was i upset? other than not using my therapeutic blog for a week or so to excise all the ick. i am not sure...i need this to vent...i have become somewhat reliant on it...and now i feel as if its value is compromised...more later...
Monday morning once again...i had a slugg weekend of the highest order...i did not get out of bed for 2 days other than to get a snack or use the potty...as i left work on friday i was so tired i thought i might sleep through the weekend...i did want to get online, but when the gf's son is with us for the weekend he has the priority, so i just stayed in bed...i think i might be equally tired today from having rested too much...we went and got some dinner on sat night, though i cannot remember where...
so...i need to get back into the groove...i did not expect the dragonlady to do any of my work, but i did expect that she understood that when the boos said for her to handle my phone, that that would include checking messages...i came back to 52 voice messages and of course many of those were hang ups...i made it through those by wednesday, my second day back...then there is the email...185 messages, more than half were spam...i got that taken care of on tuesday, my first day back...at least the primary sort...;i just now got done handling the orders for back issues...
of what is left, i have about a dozen invoices yet to chase down and a dozen or so new subscriptions to process...that will likely take me through the rest of the afternoon...i could have had all this done the first day back, but i had been left 2 350 piece mailouts to handle as well as a stack of about 100 faxes from the dragon lady, most with bad fax numbers...
sp woth the faxing and mailing current, i can now actually get around to my work, and i think maybe come in a few hours in the morning in order to be tidy and caught up so monday is a new week...then i will be back to my 20% norm...
i have lived through my vacation and even been home a whole day...i need to gather my thoughts still regarding my escapades, but the quick of the matter is it was a relaxing trip and productive in that i got the specifics i went after...i also had a small spiritual epiphany and marked the occasion with a piercing...while i was gone, the BG got curious about the brilliant women of dykewrite i am always speaking of so highly, and stumbled across this site...she is only slightly put out...
this has brought to the surface my feeling of duality (over the seperate identity) and i will soon be changing the title and address of the site...i want to first check out how this will affect the ring and surfability as well as if it affects links people might have to me...i know there are only a few, but i do not want to put any one out...i am not sure if it is easier, or better perhaps, to just leave this in place and begin something anew, or what the desired path to the switch should be...perhaps it is time to suck up to chari a little for some guidance...i wonder does she like chocolate...
