Life is not always fair. Or logical. Or pretty and nice.
This is my personal outlet for emotions that might otherwise be unleashed in an inappropriate manner.
Let it be known that "the BG" is my girlfriend whom I adore...the BabeGoddess, regardless of what I might be bitching about at any given moment within the walls of my blog.
"People can keep a journal to record their life, their thoughts, their happiness, the events of their families,
etc. They can also keep a journal of creative observations, their hopes, their ideas and dreams, as Leonardo da Vinci
did. He always had a notebook hanging from his belt to record his observations. I have one constantly in my
pocket and on my night table. We must be the source of good ideas and dreams for a better world. We are part of
evolution." -- ROBERT MULLER
"The defining characteristic of the literary vocation may be that those who
possess it experience the exercise of their craft as its own best reward, much superior to anything they might gain
from the fruits of their labors." from Letters to a Young Novelist by Mario Vargas Llosa
"The irony of life is not that you cannot forget but that you can." --Gertrude Atherton, 'Can Women Be Gentlemen'
Tuesday, September 24, 2002
this time tomorrow i will be on my way with my son to visit my dad in upstate ny...we fly into albany, and then there is a 2.5 hour drive to where my folks live...my mom is still staying with her sister while she recovers from her lung transplant, so in some respects it will be an easier visit having only half the parental unit present...it will be the first time seeing just one parent...just my dad...
in many ways this is a good thing...my dad is in purge mode because he has finally realized after nearly 30 years with one lung, that the air he is breathing needs to be cleaner...he has had the two small bedroooms of their cottage combined, and the carpet removed, and has been purging, or at least trying to, during the process...he is reluctant to remove anything that is my mom's...i told him i would be there to help and hence this trip is happening...i told him if we could not throw it, we could at least box it and store it in the shed...
both of my parents are pack rats and there is dust everywhere...in the past when i have visited, i could only manage an hour or so at their house before my allergies kick in to full gear...the windows will be open for the most part as fall is in full swing there, and i am taking my meds before i get there, so hopefully the new rennovations will be enough difference that we can accomplish something...
at the very least, we will accomplish packing up my dad's box of vintage negatives to ship to me and perhaps too, me getting my hands on my grandfather's pocket watch which i have been told, finally, i can have...i am still torn on that between restoring and using it, and casing and displaying it...i suppose i will have to get a few estimates for the restoration of it...i think i will also make a list to leave with my dad for him and my moom to review, of things i would like him to add to his will so i am sure to get them...i think that he has taken care of expenses surrounding death and disposal, as he refers to it, but should there be expenses that go against his estate, such as it is, i would be crushed to lose certain items to auction or any other horrific possibility...mostly photos, and memento things...i do not think there is much in the way of serious value as my parents are humble folk of meager means, content to get by in their remaining days...
my dad has a collection of cameras i would like and a collection of lighters...i know he has recently sold at trade shows a few of his zippo's, but i imagine there are a few left, too as there were buckets of them...
my mom has a collection of plates that i would like...a few years ago, she gave me a few of the church plates she had, and they were unfortunately left behind in the move from VA to TX, but we do not need to mention that further...i cannot imagine that there is much else i would want, but you never know, so this trip is a bit of an exploratory mission, enhanced by the fact that my mother will not be present...
there is a basebll signed by all the yannkees in the late 50s or early 60s as Whitey Ford worked for my dad when he was first playing, but i am pretty sure my dad will not be willing to part with it yet...inventory time i suppose for both of us...
then the stuff arrives home, and sits in the garage for a while until i decide it is not something i want afterall, but that might be a good long while from now...we shall see...
i am not sure if i will be blogging from there or not, maybe i will be able to, but i figure if i am not rersponsible enough to borrow a car of their's while i am visiting, using the pc might also be out of the question...and then there is the question of my dad being able to access the blog as i am not sure i could completely cover my tracks...he is 75, and not the most tech savvy person on the planet, but his friend "chan" comes over to help him with stuff and sounds like a bit if a whiz...so i do not want to discount the possibility...i do not think my being a lesbian would be too much of a surprise for him, and i think his tolerance has come a long way for someone of his generation, so there would not be any drama, but i feel it is an issue he prefer not be confirmed...maybe there is an internet cafe somewhere up there in the middle of nowhere...if not, i will be paper journaling and will offer an update, like anyone is interested, when i return...
an ordinary monday morning has been transformed...one of the grrls in the office has gotten a rock...and i mean a ROCK...after years of finding mr. wrong again and again, her most recent bf, and the only one i have met, is mr right...they have been dating a couple of years now and this past friday he proposed...so sweet...but that rock!!! it is huge...makes me rethink not having one...
by the time i had a privacy comfort zone last night, i was just too tired to blog about my newest star from ww...yesterday as i mentioned, i was feeling rather defeated and maybe even inadequate, although neither of those words seem quite right, and i seriously considered ditching the weight watchers meeting after work...i had been conscientious all week, but i had also gone to try some clothes on one evening, and what i wanted was just not the right thing...actually, it had absolutely nothing to do with what size it was, as what i tried on was too big, but then the next size down felt small...when i looked at it honestly, the style was just not that flattering, though the color was fantastic and i wanted it...
so to emphasize my dedication to becoming healthier, i decided i would at least go by and weigh in, and skip the meeting this week...i was pleased to see a 2.4 pound loss bringing my net to -20...i have been going for 13 weeks and that is a 1.5 average, which is how the program is designed to work...i just figured out that at that rate i would have xx more weeks til goal, but i do not want to write it down here as it might prove discouraging...i will just keep the pleased with my progress feeling that i have going on...
i feel like ditching my meeting today...i have been pretty accountable pointswise this week and i am not sure why i am feeling this way...sort of defeated, but that is not quite it...definitely has an edge of apprehension...
well most everyone is back from their little side trips for work today...already the dragon lady's voice is resonating around the office...it really does not matter who she is speaking to or where she is in our suite of offices...she projects...she speaks to be heard, clueless that few actually give a shit...sigh...
i watched a we channel movie last night called "the nephew" with pierce brosnan (only actor i knew by name)...i was indeed cinematherapy...i really liked this movie and it makes me want to go to ireland even more to realize for a week that small town comfort of being somewhere foreign...
well the crock pot is all fired up...i should have seasoned the meat with some bam!! as i layered it in, but i was not thinking properly...i also should have added some cloves of garlic...i sprinkled a shitload of bam on top and as i added the chicken stock, it was carried down into the pot...lets cross some fingers...
funny how this editor will actually talk to me when his regular playmates are out of the office a few days...one more day of relative calm with the dragonlady gone...i am soaking it up as a shield against her bad energy for her return tomorrow...i wonder if there is an anti-dragonlady yankee candle...
wow...popcorn cakes are actually edible...it is my firm belief that ww or not, life is too short to eat bad food..."bad" being anything that you just do not like...i have given rice cakes the benefit of the doubt too many times and i avoid them like the plague...nastyx3 plain and simple...at the ww meetiing last week, one of the members mentioned orville redenbacher's popcorn cakes...at my squeamish face she said that they were nothing like rice cakes and that they were good...
i got an assortment of them last week when i got groceries...the butter variety was my first victim...actually not bad though i prefer popcorn if i have the time to pop it...the butter ones are 2 for 1 point...though more than 2 at a time is to dry or something in the mouth...next i tried the nacho variety...i could only find them in the mini variety, so 7 is one point...not too bad, and more volume than doritos point wise, but not something i will buy again unless i have a specific taste for it...
i saved the caramel ones for last knowing i would likely favor them and the others would remain not eaten and would get stale...that was a good plan as i really like the caramel ones...one point per cake and sweet and crunchy all in one...definitely satisfies my taste for crunch n munch or cracker jacks whose points are likely astronomical in comparison...
there are also chocolate and choc peanut crunch as well as peanut caramel crunch and a sour cream and onion flavor all of which i need to find and try...
the BG is on an early lunch break to meet the cable dude to see if he can correct our reception problem...some channels are very fuzzy...i need to go home as well when i do the mail run and throw some dinner into the crock pot, some chicken and veggies, to see if i can actually functionally use one...
it is noontime now, and there are 6 of us here for the day...definitely the quiet half...whew...thought for a second that my norah jones cd was missing...she is a good one for a quiet work day...actually most of what i keep in my portable case is rather quiet...i think i might go grab a diskette and copy and paste archive pages to see how many i can get per diskette...might filter through while i go and mine for gems...
it is so eerie at work this morning...the BG is here but her office is back around the corner...there are 12 of us total, and of those, the dragon lady and her cohort are gone m-w, one more left friday til wed, and 2 left yesterday at 10 til thursday...then one was home yesterday with a sick child and is working at home today...no one else is here yet this morning but the remaining 4 will trickle in over the next hour...one who is usually here might not be coming, but might just be running late...i know that happens sometimes when you are old...er...
i truly enjoy the peace and quiet...it is weird when it is a somewhat overcast morning and the windows of the penthouse office suite are fogged over with condensation...it is like a whiteout...the one who was home with a sick child yesterday is whose cake is sitting in the fridge waiting for her patiently...i vote that since she is gone again today, we make that my cake as i was out on my bday, and we will add hers into the celebration lunch being catered on saturday...sounds like a plan, yes? i will make it so...my birthday on the eleventh and 4 others this week call for catered lunch from pappasito's...woohoo...my suggestions can be so brilliant...
i have decided i want to form an online lesbian book club, and am not sure if i will set it up as a blog or a list...anyone interested can drop me an email at perperspective@yahoo.com
i had a short work week last week, having my birthday off wednesday, and then having to take friday to be home with the a/c peeps, both days unplanned by me...so here it is monday morning, and i have relatively little to do...i do get to organize a menu for catering in lunch on friday but i cannot really do that until tomorrow when i have the menu from the place i am choosing...
i read over and have visited the sites suggested for submitting work and think i am going to work something up for 2 of them and see where it goes...i have 2 pieces out now that have been accepted but not formalized yet, so i suppose it is time to get this rolling...i picked up the book henry and june last night and am reading it now...it is my first venture with anais nin...
i was also wanting to get the collected works of eudora welty...i read her forward (or preface?) and i was intrigued by her process which is what spurred me on to generating more work for submitting, as oposed to work that has been to entertain me primarily, knowing there will one day be my own book of collected works...i think the welty book will be my next purchase...
sunday morning...i think i spent too much of yesterday curled up in front of the tv...for the last 2 weeks, i have had a twiinge sort of muscle pull in my left shoulder/back/neck area...somewhat uncomfortable, but not really painful...it is definitely more prominent this morning...better take some aleve before heading out to galveston...should be pretty decent there this morning...i am even going to remember to bring something to put shells in...when i get back i need to do something with the shells i have from today and wednesday...i decided i am going to cover a couple of our plain flowerpots...the BG got ambitious for me and said maybe a border of them in the bathroom would be nice...hmmmmm...
so...it is after midnight and the a/c dudes are still here...they have been working since 1030 this morning and are nearly done getting the new unit pumping into all the rooms...once that is finished they will call it a night...it is finally going again in this room, which is the coolest room in the house...we had considered closing the vent in here beause it gets so cold, but being without it in this room had me having difficulties while online because the room was so still...if we close the vent we will definitely add a ceiling fan...it has been back in this room for an hour or less, and it is c-c-cold already after being 92 degrees most of the day...it is about 70 right now and i suppose the new 4 ton a/c unit is working fine...
friday morning...i sit home awaiting the a/c installation peeps...i think we are actually scheduled for afternoon, but someone is coming this morning to do some preliminary disconnect crap...to be up to code, we have to install a light in the attic, as well as a disconnect switch by the unit itself...the unit has to be on a higher slab, too, so they will build that up as well...yesterday it only got up to 86 inside and it was a less sunny day, compared to wednesday when the inside temp rose to 93...i told the BG that worst case scenario, we just do without a/c for a while, but she was able to figure out the financial side of it, and for that i am grateful...i imagine we would both have gotten quite moody and irritable if we had to deal with no a/c for a longer period of time...
i was going to go in and work this morning and let my sin stay home til around 11, but after thinking on it a bit more, i really have nothing to do at work today except go get the mail at 10:30 so i decided to just stay home and chill...well, not chill exactly, poor word choice there...i need to zip over and return some videos and then i think i will get a jump on the laundry since i am here anyway...there is also a patch of wall in the bedroom that has some remaining scraps of wallpaper that need to come down so the BG can float on the mud and then we can prime and paint in there...since we will not be doing the kitchen any time in the immediate future, i suppose i will take care of that so we can work on stuff we can manage financially...i do hope the kitchen is in before the holidays, but i currently have no expectations that it will be to avoid any disappointment...it's all good...
ps...the dragon lady pushed my new chair out of her way because she had to get to my phone to fwd calls to her while i was out yesterday...in the process, she pushed my chair up under my desk, where i found it when i arrived this morning...in the process, she put a lovely gouge in the wood arm...bitch...accident? i think not...apologies to her if in fact it was the cleaning person, but i am pretty certain it was not...
ps...i had a 3 page rant written about my thoughts on yesterday, but after a thoroughly excellent birthday, i just deleted it and let it go because it felt as if it was already gone...
if i did ot say it already, i adore my birthday page...i was visitiing the dw blog and saw it and it set the tone for a terrific day...thank you Roni!!!
when the BG got home from work on Tuesday the 10th, she said we were going to one of my favorite places for dinner to begin the celebration...we went to pf changs and had the pan fried shrimp dumplings and i had crispy honey chicken and the BG had general tso's chicken...it was all tres yummy, and as we sat down to our table i decided that point counting was taking a 24 hour hiatus...i still ate reasonable portions, but allowed the indulgence because afterall, it was my special day...
while we were at dinner, the BG began teasing me about what the rest of her plans included...i finally got out of her that she had asked the boss if we could take the day off and he said sure...
after dinner we went across the way to a store called anthropologie...they have a lot of cool hip grrlygrrl stuff for the home as well as clothing for those less thick than i am...i wanted to get a brass enameled switchplate for the bathroom that we had seen there...it is a fabulous store with lots of overpriced things...we also got some incense called tea which is very light and delicate and the BG bought me a purple silk covered blank book with gilt edged pages i was eyeing...i could spend my entire xmas bonus there and might, if we actually get one thiss year...
after that we went to dave and buster's for some gaming...i can also go there any time as i find it totally relaxing even though it can be an extremely chaotic place...on a tuesday night at 930ish, it is nearly a ghost town so it was relatively smokefree and the noise of the games was so much more crystal clear free of hundreds of people noise...we kept it lowkey, finance wise and added 467 tickets to the total hovering somewhere over 5000...they offer some appliances as prizes now so i might redeem some of my points in that way, maybe a rice steamer or spice grinder...i think i have points enough for both, but i will wait to redeem them once the kitchen is completed...
we called it a night after this and when we woke up wednesday morning, sans alarm, it was pretty clear that the a/c had ceased working sometime during the night...it was still relatively cool, but it was very humid...both the BG and i had some clammy skin going on having nothing to do with the celebrating that went on between the sheets...
the BG made a phone call and a service dude was scheduled for after 2...i was surprised they were coming that late, and the BG clarified that we had plans for the morning...a/c or not, it was still my birthday...she said we were going to the beach!!! we went down to galveston and were there by about 10...it was a fabulous day, not at all overcast, and about 85 degrees...the water was a little on the cool side, like bath water that has lost its zip, but once the bathing suit was wet, it was quite pleasant...we were frolicking out in the waves for a good while and had slathered on the sunscreen before leaving the house...i had been down there a week ago or so and had sunscreened everything but the back of my thighs and knees so i did not want any more lobster skin...also, the BG has that fair irish skin going on and cannot tolerate sun very well at all...
after drying off a little on our stretched out towels, i got out my scissors and proceeded to give the BG her much needed thin and tweak right there on the beach...there was a small crop of rocks and a large tree sort of trunk laying close to us which made a perfect place for a haircut...it is a seaside inspired do, and turned out fabulous...we then went back into the water to rinse away excess hair and dried off before our trip home...
i saw some piles of miniature shells that were very gravel like in quantity...i collected about 3 pounds of them with the iintent of covering a flowerpot to commemorate the day...we were home right before one and showered and enjoyed our pf changs leftovers for lunch with some cold buds because it was hot and humid in the house by this time...thermometer read 96 inside...every window we could open was open, but the breeze offered little relief...
the a/c dude came at about 3ish...the compressor was seized and it did not look good, but he first tried a sort of revitalize-it kit which if it worked would be $268...no such like...one more thing to try, another part for another $50...nope, nada, nyet...he then put in a call to the office to schedule a sales rep for us...the old a/c has been around for 12 years, 2 years past warranty...a new 4 ton central a/c unit, installed, with all additionals needed to bring stuff up to code, is $4446...happy birthday persephone...at least i get to keep the new blank book...
the BG is home from work today building the chase for the new unit...i get to be home tomorrow to facilitate while the worer bees are there for the installation and by friday evening, we should be cooling down once again...i really love being a (pseudo)homeowner...repeat...repeat...repeat...
i just picked up my new chair today and it is ummmm...totally unassembled...totally...OMG...while i am far from totally femme, i am totally femme enough to be beyond putting my chair together...here goes nothing...
i just listened to part of a radio program called earth 101...in general, i think it's host has a lot to say and reaches a wide audience...today's program was in regard to the 911 anniversary and it has helped me to focus my thoughts on it a little, to where i might actually be able to post about it...more later, maybe...
it is not quite 10 am and my work for the day is done...perfect day to cruise over to costco this afternoon, on work time, of course, and pick up my new desk chair...i was advanced the cost yesterday and the funds are available...hopefully this will alleviate the residual backache and leg ache...since losing some pounds, the backache is conciderably less...at this rate, i should feel like a teenager once i am down to goal weight...
i spoke to my mom over the weekend and she is a little put out with me, i think, though she did not say this...she will be away still when i go to NY on the 25th so i will be seeing my dad and not her...she was just a wee bit pouty about it...her disposition in general is so greatly improved from spending so much time away from home...i can actually speak to her and not feel like i am racing to end the conversation...my folks both seem so much happier apart then they do together...
i mentioned to my mom that my dad agreed to let me have the box of negatives and she got her backk up..."why did they bypass me?" she asked, as if i might know the answer...my immediate response to myself was c'mon woman, you have resided with these negatives for 40 years now and not gotten around to printing the pics you want??? of course i was the good daughter and kept this to myself...i told her i would be able to scan the pics and email to her and if she wanted prints of any she could let me know and i would take care of it...sheesh...i did not tell her i might be liberating some other stuff too...i just have to hope my dad remembers telling me i could have these things...
so it is another monday morning...i am feeling somewhat anxious this morning, just for my birthday to be done with...the day itself...in some moments the dread is less, but at times i do not even want to wake up on wednesday...of course, i do not want to not wake up because i am dead, so i suppose i should be careful what i wiah for...
things are shifting...define things, please? i can't really define any of it...work is work, pretty smooth sailing in general, same old crap day after day...i suppose i like that it is a stress-free environment for the most part...if i was feeling chaotic, i think that would tip the scales, and even for less $$ i would elect to leave...i need to get to a place mentally where i know i can stay here another year or two...or longer...it has been a year since i have been here full time, and come november, a year since i gave up the salon...not the best decision when all is considered, but damn that 20/20 hindsight, i really do not miss the salon as much as i thought i would...no more weekends and evenings...no more chemical stains on my clothing...no more back breaking shampooing...of course also, there is no more steady infusion of female energy...that is the true cost...
the remodel is also coming along pretty smoothly...the floors are in for the most part...there is still a bit of pergo to be laid in the hallway, and some of the tile in the great room has to be replaced, but all ina ll, they are mostly done...still a considerable amount of painting to be done and base boards to install, crown molding in the great room...the biggest chunk remaining is the shower in the second bathroom and the kitchen...of course i do not mean to make it appear that i am doing much of any of this...the BG is doing it mostly on her own...i think the next thing is tiling the new shower and then the kitchen will be attacked...i think we might have the kitchen in by the holidays, or at least i am hoping we do...initially, the BG thought it would be in by next month...we shall see how it goes...i have been trying to get aggressive with my finances as she wants nothing for her birthday but a good bottle of wine...i think she will also get a few base cabiinets for the kitchen...now how romantic is that??
our room is the last to be done, but needs not much work...once the shower in the second bathroom is done, our shower will be left unused to see if the exposed concrete dries out...if it does not, and i half hope it doesn't, we will have to redo our shower too...i might suggest we take this on anyway as we could then reroute some of the plumbing for it and get something bigger than a vertical coffin...not something i will suggest anytime soon, but an idea...
i did no buddhism reading this past weekend, but i did manage to get a few more books on it that will add to my to read list...i will have to remember to pack a few for my trip as i will be pretty much in the middle of nowhere with little to do...
sigh...for a 4 work day week, this week seems to have been dragging on forever...actually, it is the most i have stayed busy since starting full time just over a year ago...i would normally think that busyness would make the time go by, but it has had the opposite effect...
i suppose that i am in a sort of countdown to my ttrip to see my dad so anticipation is maybe drawing everything else out...i am so curious to see what he actually lets me remove from the house this trip and i am going to take an informal inventory of things i eventually would like to have...nothing grand really...mostly pictures...one of the things on my list is to see how many photo albums there are...my dad has been a semi professional/hobby photographer for 62 years now and his pictures are awesome...i would include one of my favorites here if i knew how, but hmmph...
my dad told me last week i could have two tin boxes of his negatives from the beginning...i have no mental recollection of the boxes, but i know they are tin boxes that my grandfather, a tinsmith/glazier/bootlegger made, so wanting them is a double deal...i just hope my dad telling me this was a lucid moment and that he remembers it!!
he then told me anything i want, we can pack up and ship while i am there so i do not have to cart it...i am going to jump on the opportunity...i am sure me wanting this is a test of the no expectations rule somehow, but maybe sentiment is an exclusionary cause...
i have some direction as to which books by Thich Nhat Hahn to begin with and might be able to get them soon...i may even order one or two todayand read on...One that i found on my own was american women on buddhism, or something similar...i think that might offer an interesting insight...it's friday, right?
i must admit, i was feeling rather apprehensive going to ww this afternoon because the BG and i enjoyed a rich and decadent meal out last night...however, we were very conscious of our portions, as we have gotten used to being all the time, and we stopped eating when we were full and elected to pass on dessert...so i had a loss today and i think i passed down a point zone...progress, which i am trying to not get too terribly excited about because i can appreciate my current personal drama surrounding expectations and keeping them under control...
woooooooooooooooooooooooooohoooooooooooooooooooooooooooo...i am so damn fine!!!
so today is the 4th...i cannot believe i forgot about the bonnie raitt concert last night...it was in my mind up until the 2nd, but i just don't know where it went...she was shceduled to perform with lyle lovett...damn...this happened around this time last year too...lyle lovett was scheduled to go on with shawn colvin, who i also like...i have not seen him, nor do i know more than one or two of his songs...perhaps i am meant to not see him for some reason...
it so feels like monday...i am so glad this will be a 4 day week...i have been looking over the closed days for the office for the remainder of the year and i need to decide where to use my remaining vacation days...i am using 4 of them to take a trip to upstate new york later this month to my folk's house...i have not seen my dad in 2 years and feels like longer...my elder son and i will be there and it will be the first visit with absolutely no plans, as my best friend has moved away, and my moom will still be with her sister who is recovering from a lung transplant...
my dad had a lung removed in 1973 when i was 9...the only thing i remember about this was going to visit him in the hospital and thinking that was not my dad because he was so frail...on that hospital trip, i overheard the doc talking to the nurses about my dad and that his prognosis is 6 months to 6 years...at the time i had no idea what this meant, but the scene is so vivid in my memory, still...so my dad has now cheated the system for 23 years and is still puttering around...lately, however, he seems less of himself, at least as much as this can be discerned via email and chat...at those times he is more lucid...when i call him each weekend, he sometimes is very clear, and he sometimes speaks to me about things from 40 or more years ago like i should remeber them...
this is all part of why i have scheduled this trip, even though my mom will not be there...the past year, she has spent most of her time at her sister's...it was at my suggestion as they really are miserable together...i suppose you are of a certain generation and get to a certain age and there seems no choice in matters...my parents would be so much happier if this were an arrangement with more finality...maybe it will become so in time, however both would say their remaining time is limited...my dad is 75 and my mom 70, and neither in prime health, even for their ages...
i am making a list of questions for my dad regarding his wishes and arrangements that have i think, already been made, but it is info i need to be aware of, or at the least, know where documentation of it all is...i think i will have this same conversation with my mother sooner, rather than later...my biggest concern in this is that i am pretty sure that neither of them have life insurance, and i think that is why my dad has already taken care of everything...
he has been taking advantage f my mom's absence by doing some remodelind and rennovating of their small home...he will not purge anything because he knows my mom will have a fit and he does not want to deal with that...i will take up the purgeing action and tell my mom her issues should be with me not him...he has had to remove carpets as they are old and contributing to his difficulty in breathing...i have not been able to be in that house when i visit for more than an hour, so i can appreciate the need for this and am glad he is finally just doing it...i told him i was coming only to help him sort and organize and that if he truly did not want to remove any of mom's stuff, we can at least pack it away in boxes...i told him, too, that i would discuss it with her before i got there so it will not be a problem...
my only pursuit of escape this visit is hopefully a trip either up to one of the mountain lakes i have always liked, or a trip up the river fly fishing...either of them will be solo...the fishing is up to if my dad will let me use his stuff as i have long ago parted with my own and not been since 1987...the trip to Coperas Pond will be a nice alternate and just maybe, i can do both...it is onlt 3 weeks away now, so i think work will be manageable knowing this reprieve is coming...
it is somehow ironic that i am reading about buddhism and the first reflection is on "precious human birth"...the irony is in my current feelings of dread surrounding the upcoming celebration of my birthday...i feel after much reflection it has nothing to do with aging...i will be 38 in 9 days...i have no discernable emotion around this number...the initial dread has been brewing right along with my relationship with the BG...i will have yet another disappointing birthday...i have yet to discover how to detatch myself from these expectations that have crept in somewhere along the way escaping my usually perceptive awareness of self...
when i met the BG, i was firm in the condition of "no expectations = no disappointments"...i try to think of it as a rule to follow and until recently actually thought myself rather successful...i have discovered disappointments, which can only mean i have had exoectations...
my birthday will be a non-eventand the proffered excuse will be 'no extra money'...i know this to be true and it is a weak excuse...there is nothing i ask for in any material sense...i crave only a genuine giving of herself, and after 4 years, sadly, i understand i am likely to not get it...knowing this is so, i crave it still...
in addition, my birthday is 9/11...it will be a difficult day and i am sure a challenge to find joy...i have already decided it best to not turn on the tv and perhaps shall extend this to the radio as well...
i am not desiring something fabulous and material...i want something given with intent, perfect for me...there are small instances along the way that indicate that the BG just hasn't a clue as to who i am...this is what even indicates to me that there have been disappointments, and in this vein i can appreciate there is a need on my part to remove expectations...however, i do not at this time feel that any of these small instances add up to anything significant...shouldn't a clue be had after 4 years?
amidst all of this, i am conflicted over whose issues these are...also there have been repeated attempts to unravel the issues tangled together, all an effort to identify them properly...i cannot change who the BG is, nor do i want to...simultaneously i have no idea how to adjust to this and detatch from the expectations i apparently have...
i have realized for some time that the BG will never adore me...i realize, too, that there will come a day when this will matter...currently, i am secire in her love for me and that is enough...
the deterioration of communication necessitates time for solitary pursuit...it does not feel as if it is a bad thing, but more as if i am on a path to find my lost sense of self that i am still unaware of as missing...
