Life is not always fair. Or logical. Or pretty and nice.
This is my personal outlet for emotions that might otherwise be unleashed in an inappropriate manner.
Let it be known that "the BG" is my girlfriend whom I adore...the BabeGoddess, regardless of what I might be bitching about at any given moment within the walls of my blog.
"People can keep a journal to record their life, their thoughts, their happiness, the events of their families,
etc. They can also keep a journal of creative observations, their hopes, their ideas and dreams, as Leonardo da Vinci
did. He always had a notebook hanging from his belt to record his observations. I have one constantly in my
pocket and on my night table. We must be the source of good ideas and dreams for a better world. We are part of
evolution." -- ROBERT MULLER
"The defining characteristic of the literary vocation may be that those who
possess it experience the exercise of their craft as its own best reward, much superior to anything they might gain
from the fruits of their labors." from Letters to a Young Novelist by Mario Vargas Llosa
"The irony of life is not that you cannot forget but that you can." --Gertrude Atherton, 'Can Women Be Gentlemen'
Saturday, November 30, 2002
i was going to post about thanksgiving...i forgot when i was on last night...in general, i love the holidays...i was dreading the day somewhat because i was to be around people that i consider family now, but that i have little respect for...i thought this would make the day difficult...it was actually not too bad....dinner itself was adequate, and it was nice to have a home cooked meal...there was another family there, 3 generations of people i have not met before, but it was certainly tolerable...
the less than pleasant recollections afterward are what i do not care for...the holidays, any holiday really, bring on feelings of discontent that are simply not present most of the time...i suppose it is the few times i do have expectations...expectations of 'family'...not necessarily of family members...the BG and i just have entirely different notions of what family is...not in itself a bad thing...just too heavy for analyzation...
i so like it when it is quiet in the house...i know i have said that recently, but it is something i am giving value to lately...
i submitted the joey piece yesterday so anyone reading has to light a candle or keep your fingers crossed that it is well received...of course, i hold no expectations = no disappointments, but a grrl can dream...
i had the most interesting dream this morning...i was working as a counselor at skye farm again, but this time i was the age i am now, 38, and my 'kids' were troubled youth, sort of like a wilderness redemption thing...i was still a lesbian, but my co counselor was evan and not someone i knew...it was very bizarre...we had a relationship similar to the one i had with evan when we dated...no sex...but all the rest of the intimacy that goes along with being in a relationship with someone...it was very weird...
it is very bizarre and even difficult to sit here and think about what it means because it is very much exhibiting a paralell to life as i know it and i do not care to consider further the implications it holds...buenos dias...
thanksgiving morning...i am thankful for the early morning peace...when i am the only one up and it is quiet enough that you hear only the noises of the heat as it comes on, or the refrigerator humming, and in this case, the keys as i type...for this same reason, i like getting to work early, being the first one there...that is when i get the bulk of my work done, in that first hour or so when noone else is there...
today in particular, i am thankful that i could wake up without an alarm when my body wanted to, grab a class of apple cider, and come to the computer and write in this solitude...i know that the BG is just down the hall still asleep, but the aloneness of it is conducive to my practice...ideally, i could do this every morning and not have to go to work so early, but it goes as it is meant to go...
i suppose that is why i am often up late writing, too...i have learned to not fight the leaning toward insomnia, and am instead often very productive once the only action in the house is that of this keyboard...i am also thankful that i have realized that it does not matter if noone ever sees as a finished product all the writing i have been doing...it's all good...
i am thankful that my sons both choose to live with their fathers...the youngest, well i think that is not in his best interest, but this does not mean it is a bad situation...his father hovers somewhere above adequate, yet below good, and of course this is my highly prejudiced opinion on the matter...his son is very high maintenance attention wise, and he does not fully appreciate this...he sees him as 'his son', not as an individual, it is difficult to explain, but is something i know so inherrantly just as i know who i am, who he is, who my younger son is...
the oldest has seen his father 2 times in the past 17 years...once he was with my mother visiting his other grandmother and saw his dad as he stopped by to pick up his laundry for about 3 minutes...he was 4 or 5...his grandmother asked, "aren't you gonna say hi to your daddy?" he stood from my mother's side, put his hands on his hips, and said, "gram...my dad is black..." this was my wasband he meant, the only man he has ever known as his father having raised him since he was 2 as if his own...gram just conceded and in her own wise way was happy that he at least knew her as his gram...he spent the summers at my mom's once i moved away and i knew that she was friends and told her i had no problem with him seeing any of his father's family as long as she was present when he was younger...once he was 9 i told her he could visit without her, but no overnights...i never denied his father access to him, he just never sought it...the second time he saw his father, he was 10 and at a family picnic at the lake...he had gone for the day and his dad showed up...they might have been together 5 hours, but at that point my son was not about anything but playing with all the other kids...i got the account of the day from the 2 sisters of his father that do not speak to each other...
the oldest went with me in september when i went to see my dad for 5 days...i sent a note to his father telling him my mom had told me he had called and said he has settled down and wanted to get in contact, blahx3, now that he is in his fathers it is the right thing to do etc...i told him when we would be there, where we were staying, and that his son, nearly 18 now, had consented to see him...i dropped him off there and he then spent the majority of those 5 days with him...we came home to texas and a month later, he moved to live with his father back in ny...he handled things rather poorly, but i remind myself he is afterall, still a boy...i think it will be good for him, and i know i prefer him not living with me, so for this, too, i am thankful...
i am thankful that brigit is back as an active friend...i missed her a great deal while she was on internet hiatus...
i am thankful for my friend trisha who i miss terribly having not seen her in more than 4 years...
i am thankful for my bestest friend kimi who it is time to see in person again soon...i think we will be getting to boston sooner rather than later...maybe a long weekend this summer...
i am today and every day most thankful that the BG is part of my world...she has given me so much in the last 4+ years, that i only hope i have adequately given back in kind...i love you dse...
42 degrees this morning...i am so glad my days of working out in the cold are behind me...i don't know how i used to do it...i was a lift attendant at Whiteface Mountain as well as a ski instructor and i was frequently out in sub-zero weather...yet now 42 degrees is criminal...huh...
i need to find out more about the new grrl...my radar on her is about 60% saying yes, she is family...and, i have some work to do...quelle horroeur...
it has hovered all day today in the upper 40s...that is reasonable, as it is november, but i do not want it to be the indication that winter is actually here...if it stays in the 40s for a while i would be most appreciative, i just do not want to see it getting colder...i did my cold weather time 15 years ago and i want the rest of my days in the sun...
i am for the most part caught up...i could do the work i have set aside for tomorrow morning, but then tomorrow morning, when i do have better things to do, i will be sitting here going stir crazy as i await the ticking of the clock...much better to amuse myself the rest of today than to be sitting and watching the clock tomorrow...i can do my expense report and maybe even get a check for it...in that event i think i might bring stuff to bake while at the sister-in-law's on thursday after dinner...i think i might get the things together for the care package i am sending to kevin and then get it out to him early...
about the package...i am still undecided if i want to extend the offer to my coworkers...i am thinking i will, and maybe i will even send them all an email right now to see if anyone has anything they would like to contribute...
i think the joey piece is finally done...i did a few little edits and was over on the word count, so i went back and sliced a little here, and diced a little there, to where i think i am happy with it and it is one word under...i rather like thatif i add a title, "joey", i am at 1500 exactly...i can not decide which i prefer...i need to have the BG kiss of approval so i will ask her to give it a read this evening, then if she gives the ok, i will email it off and sit back and patiently await the winners announcement which is not until feb 3...won't that be a test...though the time will fly right by what with the holidays and frenzy that comes with them...
it's one of those productive get-everything-done-pre-holiday-from-work sort of mornings...shivers up and down my spine...i suppose i had better leave something for tomorrow morning...
i ordered a few things from eatzi's off their thanksgiving holiday menu...not for thanksgiving, but for friday...i got the squash soup and some mac and cheese as well as a pan of cornbread...i will then go friday to whole foods to get some veggies and meat to complete the meal and initiate the new grill in proper fashion...maybe some specialty sausages and a pork tenderloin or two...i think we will be going to garden ridge at some point on friday also, to pick up a tree...i would like a nice night friday of good food and decorating...sounds simple enough, eh...
on thursday, we are going around noon to the BG's sister's house and then we will travel with her to her nanny's house for the big meal...just a little convoluted...i am stocking up for the day on mudslides i think, or maybe peach schnaaps and oj...still not sure which...i think i wil be better able to sustain a buzz with the schnaaps as it is not as heavy as the mudslides, but i will decide when i am at the liquor store i guess...also in attendance will be the BG's father, and some of the sister's neighbor folk...should be an interesting gathering...after that we are returning to the sister's to hang out, decorate the tree and shoot some pool...this is when i will need the spirits...i will also bring the secret santa project with me as that will distract me some from the potentially brewing drama...maybe i will bring some holiday cds as well and the discman...hmmm...i should scarf some batteries from work today just in case...more later...
omigod it is 47 degrees this morning...no wonder my sweater feels so good...it should be criminal to dip below 45 degrees...how do i get that passed into some kind of cosmic legislation?
i decided yesterday, finally, to make my secret santa gift, so the mad rush is on...i have collected the necessary supplies and am working away, but need to decide to fringe or not to fringe...if it isn't one dilemma it's another...
an interesting weekend all around...on saturday night we went to see the ring...sort of...the initial invitation was for harry potter and somewhere along the way it became the ring...it was decided we would see the 7:20 show, and we live rather close, so we left at 7...not the thing to do on saturdaynight when there are other movies opening...
the theater we favor is a huge multiplex, i think 24 screens plus an imax, and in addition it is an entertainment complex...there is a van's skate park, a miniture golf place, jillian's, several restaurants, an upscale comedy club, and a few stores for shopping while you might be waiting for your movie...if you cannot find something to do there, you need medication...it is always busy and parking is often a challenge, though they have plenty...
parking becomes more of a challenge when part of the lot is closed for some type of construction and part is reserved for valet...i quickly suggested valet, but we drove around for 10 minutes first before heading that way...
we got inside and it was 7:20 on the dot...the boy and i discussed a backup plan in case the movie was sold out of die another day since it was playing at 7:30...waited in a short line...the ring is sold out...die is also sold out...by this time the BG had joined us and we were reviewing options for something else to see...the next movie was ghost ship at 8pm and we collectively knew nothing about it...juliana marguiles starred and i liked it...also in it was the guy who played shep, her paramedic boyfriend on er, and gabriel byrne...i liked it well enough, but still would have rather seen harry potter as was originally planned...i had a frozen coke and a box of goobers so i was happy...i think we will be a little more considerate of the time we leave if we plan a saturday night movie anytime soon...
on saturday afternoon we went to the artcrawl...i think it is a lot more fun when there are some funds available to actually purchase art, but it was a fabulous day to walk around artist warehouses and browse...
on sunday we went out so i could pay the saks bill, and i checked the sale racks while there and found a sweater, pair or pants, and a lambish sweater/jacket all for about 200 bucks...the pants were only 38 i think, and they feel wonderful, almost like a tshirt/flannel combination...soft and drawstring...with pockets even...the sweater is charcoal with flecks of brown woven through and hip length, open down the front...the lamby thing is more like a jacked, and it zips up the front and also has pockets...i normally would have had some restraint, bit both jackets were a size smaller than the last shopping event, so i indulged myself just a little...woohoo...
alright...i feel as if i am done for the day, which means i am done for the weekend, and this, knowing next week is only 2.5 days, is pleasing indeed...i do have work to do on joey before submitting it but that is not dreary work, but actually work i like so it's all good...
the BG and i are going with her son to see harry potter this evening, and hopefully it will be a manageable crowd, not the opening rush...but i imagine it will still be busy as there are other openings...i might even have popcorn...buttered...and goobers too as i love them and no other theatres in the area have them...sacriledge...did i slaughter the spelling of that? hmmm...
i think it will be a weekend of writing and laundry, maybe some bad tv, and more of my current read, my man anthony's kitchen confidential...i am so thoroughly enjoying this book, his dry wit and outrageous energy comes across even in print, putting him on the short list of men i would love to fuck...not only is it entertaining, it is educational...never order fish on monday...
woohoo...sugar rush...just had a piece of birthday cake...yummy buttercream slathered all about...just a 1 inch piece, but still the sugar rush is going strong...woohooooooooooooo...
omigod...here i was working on the "joey" story because ineed to submit it next week and he walked in the door...i was all kinds of red...close call...
i was going to stay home in bed this morning and slugg the day away...i decided it would be much nicer to do that between the holidays, when i actually have a sink and grill...woohoo...that way while i am home sick i can prepare a special evening for the BG...
i have felt we are somewhat out of synch lately, and i am not sure whay that is...there is not really anything i can identify as being different, it is just a feeling i have...i get it from time to time and journal about it...usually talk myself into it being the end of the world, and then reason myself back to reality, that it is actually nothing...this is the first time it has made the blog journal, rather than the paper(or even mental)...i have mixed emotions about writing about this type of mental goings on as the BG has come across the blog...i take her at her word that she will not be reading further, but i also know somewhere in my mind that it is likely she eventually will...
it was back in September when she found this, when i was visiting my dad...she told me the day i got back and seemed ok with the whole thing, though she felt it portrayed her in a less than flattering light...i tried to explain that this is my therpy...that i vent and reason and talk to myself til i resolve something, and then it is gone...done...over...and i feel much better...i tried to convey that this is not about her, but about me...i am not sure i got that across...she suggested changing the name if i felt i needed to for the security or privacy, but then she also said she was reading and got to a point where she felt she should not be reading it, and that she will not go back in the future...my instinct about this is yeah, right...i came across quite by accident my sons book of poetry...angst filled teenage boy crap, yet valid just the same...i did not like what i was reading, but having read it, i knew it would remain his private space and i would not confront him about it...i also vowed i would not read further and basically did not, but when he really plucked my last nerve, i would snoop to see if there was anything i needed to be aware of...
in that vein, i think she might look again, but i have decided the value of me venting, in that it diminishes to negligible any animosity i might feel about any number of issues, i am going to once again go on the presumption that she is oblivious to this space...it is, after all, about me...
an interesting morning...and it is not yet 8 am...i am wearing today my first eileen fisher ensemble which was purchased for the xmas party last year...it is a magenta/reddish silk tank dress and a grey over shirt/jacket which i wear open...initially i wore it open because i had to...i could get the buttons done, but then there was that nasty gap between a few of them...today, 26 pounds less of me can wear the shirt closed...with this oarticular pairing it is definitely an open thing, but this means i can wear it as a shirt with something else...my charcoal skirt perhaps...it is an incredible feeling to know how big this is on me right now...
i also weigh in today and i have been hovering just under my 10% goal for about a month now...i am trying to not get more anxious about it because my clothes feel so good today, but it is difficult...inhale...2...3...4...hold...2...3...4...exhale...2...3...4...
woohoo.........i have just puchased my youngest son's airfare for his holiday visit...what an immediate relief that is...one less thing to obsess about this joyous holiday season...each way was only 88 bucks!!!
errors i cannot see are increasingly irritating...i had the idea just now that doing the remodel of this site is what i want because it feels like i have moved into a house and done nothing to make it mine, or not been able to make it mine...talk about art imitating life...harumph...
i want to update one of my links, and when i go to template, i have a blank field...talk about scary...i guess i might need to do the redesign i have been contemplating...maybe...no need to be hasty...
morning once again...i am not quite sure how i am feeling this morning...i got my crowwn yesterday without incident, but i am not yet comfortable with how it feels...after 3 weeks with the temp which was smaller, it just feels big, though not too big...the doc ground it down so it would not hit when i bite and the underside of it is that same rough porous feel of the temp...don't like it...
in other news, well, there is no other news yet this morning...my head is strangely void of thoughts...
i almost forgot...i get to go to the dentist today to have my crown set...yippee and woohoo...actually, i will be glad to have the temporary removed as they are always so creepy feeling being so porous...the smooth porcelain will feel so much better as my tongue gently skims its surface...
morning comes and i was actually awake before the alarm...i was only up til 11 though, last nnight, so i imagine that has something to do with it...i need to get something bedside again for writing when i am up like that...the journal that was there is now living in my backpack for when i am out and feel like writing...i certainly have enough of them that i do not need to buy another one, though you know that will not keep me from getting more as i see ones that speak to me...it is a sickness...
maybe i should work on the organizing tonight...i managed to get the laundry pretty much caught up last night, doing all the linens that have been accumulating...
i am not sure what it is that is missing...maybe me time...alone time...that is what i think i get from being up late on the computer and writiing...yes i do it all day at work, and take time for me, but that is not alone time...i suppose that is why i value it...also i have learned i am much more balanced when i do not fight the insomnia...
i really hate feeling like my future here might hang on the whim of someone, anyone, really, who i feel i am receiving attitude from...i just don't like it...i suppose this is another indicator that my remaining time here is limited...that means i need to do a serious search or reflection as to what my options are...i think i hate this idea just as much...angst surfaces its ugly head...
a lot of this likely stems from having had unpleasant words last night with the BG...it is passed, and the instigation forgotten, litterally, but it was regardless, less than pleasant...i need to find the balancing remedy...
why is it that all of a sudden, i feel as if everyone is speaking to me in a condescending or patronizing manner? it really does seem to me like it is everyone, so i suppose this is something to meditate on this week and see if i can define it as me, rather than everyone else...aunt flo is coming, so it could be i am just being or feeling overly sensitive...i must let it brew and reflect...and if i decide it is indeed everyone else, i need a plan to reverse it as expediently as possible...
another week survived, if not as a loser, at least not as a terrible gainer...the weekend presents itself as a challenge of temptations...i suppose if i made other choices when i get my weekend groceries, i might have better strategy...maybe i have to actually plan off days rather than taking the usually successful approach of winging it...or better conserve points during the week...if i stay at my minimum on 4 days, i have 10 points extra for each weekend day...i find my minimum adequate and even generous on most days...i think it would be prudent to find again my discipline before the holiday season hits full force...
on other fronts, the weekend went well...i did nothing in the way of writing, and i did not get the laundry done, but only 2 loads remain and i will do them this evening...i watched on cable the movie first knight which was enjoyable, and parts of various other movies...stayed in bed most of saturday finally getting up to go to pappasito's for dinner...i am weak there...period...i have been able to do well there pointwise, but it is consistently excellent in terms of the quality of the food, so i had some queso and chips and fajitas...the chips and q are the enemy here...their tortillas are made fresh in house, and are the best i have ever had, though i do manage to just eat 2...i still stop when i am full, but i had 2 margaritas with dinner, so i was less than good all around...at least it does not happen that i indulge there as often as i used to...
on sunday we went toempire cafe and i had half salad and a cup of soup...6 points total by my best estimation but filling and palatable nonetheless...i usually get this dish there because it is usually followed by desert somewhere while we are in that part of town...we did a little shopping after lunch, and tried to go to urbana which would have been less caustic to my points, just to find it closed, possibly for ever...sad news...then we headed to the good old standby of brasil...i have raved about their white chocolate cheesecake enough in the past that it suffices to simply say i enjoyed some last night...
i also spoke to my youngest son (12) on the phone and he is missing me terribly...he is coming to visit dec 26-about jan 3 or so and asked if he could stay...i had to tell him no...i went on to explain and remind him that we discussed this when he chose to stay at his dad's this year after the summer and start school there...since this decision i have considered how much switching schools so much actually hurt his drop out brother...i explained this to hiim and he agreed it was probably a god idea he stay in the same school then...i told him we could plan more trips here to visit on other holidays...he will come for spring break and then part of the summer, and then i hope to take him to nyc with the BG and her son for thanksgiving 03...i think we would have a marvelous time, but we need to figure out the logistics of getting us all there...i think the most likely is i will fly to va the day before and he and i will try to fly to nyc and the BG and her son do the same form here and try to coordinate arrival times...unless i can get him arriving just after us...i will have to investigate this further...
there are days when working here is such an inconsequencial thing, and then there are days where i know with a sense of immediate urgency that i have to leave her...today is the latter...i am not sure, on days like today, how i will make it until april/may...the dragon lady saps all my energy in a moment and i no longer wish to deal with that, but i know i must...when it comes time to leave, i think i will tell the bossman in no uncertain terms that i can nno longer deal with her crap, so i am forced to tender my resignation...i am sure he will be rather nonplussed by it as she has his ear, and lowers his opinion of my abilities at every opportunity...
it's all good...i must remind myself...i might hibernate this weekend...
i find it odd to have this tgif feeling, it has not been around for some time, but the past week or so i have had little to do at worrkand i will just be glad to be out of here for the week...
on a whim this week, i emailed a coworker from when i was in virginia who i had stopped emailing about 5 years ago because all she ever did was fwd crap to me...she and i were tight back in the day and i was a bridesmaid in her wedding...i sort of had the feeling that she had difficulty having more than one good friend, and when another was center stage she would all but ignore me outside of work...it went in phases, and we had a mutual other friend who i became better friends with and let the other slide a little...then she moved away, then i moved away...life goes on...she still had the same email, and in her reply, i learn that she and her husband are swingers...that does not shock me from his point of view because i never really cared for him as he seemed less than devoted...but it surprises me that this is something she has embraced...she has or had low self-esteem, so i can imagine her thinking it is either condone it or lose him...though i do not in any way judge her, it makes me sad she had to sacrifice her ideal...i will fwd her note to our other friend because i know she would be interested in the gossip but also is hesitant to reconnect...
the dragon lady was actually just civil towards me...makes me think something is up maybe...of course i always cover my ass where she is concerned...half the office is out today...it always amazes me how quiet it is around here when the bossman is gone, and then to have 4 other people out as well is like an extra added bonus...the bossman approved my time off request for the holidays, so i will be off dec 21-29, work on the 30th and be off again the 31st and 1st of january...i was going to coome in and work the 26th and 27th as it is only a 2 day week, but i had 2 days more to use so i wanted to take them while my youngest is supposed to be here for xmas...his dad has not been very communicative where this visit is concerned, so i hope it is still happening, but at least i will have a stretch of off time...also we are off half day nov 27th through dec 1st so the holiday season is going to fly on by...
i need to make some confirmed plans for baking with paul...i guess i can look at the calendar and study it today to see what might work for both of us and give him a call...i would like it if we could do it once a week maybe...he said he would make me a key if i want so i can just go do it and not have to worry if he will be there or not, but i would rather have his company i think, at least the first time or two...i think i will go through my cookbooks and decide tonight which cookies, etc i want to make...i have been thinking maybe rugelach and a few others...i am going to send a care package to the homeless guy for the holidays and want to include omething baked and i cannot decide between bar cookies or something else, whatever i oick i want it to be a sturdy enough cookie for shipping...
i am also going to make up a package of baked goods for reggie at the post office...i appreciate the service he gives, even if he is so busy it is just a smile...of course there are a few other peeps i want to send cookies to as well, but sometimes my good intentions get away from me in the rush that is the holidays...
i just got home from the reiki lecture...level one is something i will pursue, and we shall see beyond that where it leads me...i want to investigate further if this is the woman to learn from or what...not necessarily investigate her, but my options and reactions to these options...i also want to read more about it all too...yet another book to buy...the BG will be thrilled...
where i just finished saying how lucky i am to have this cushy job, i sometimes feel disadvantaged when i am so bored out of my skull that i don't know what to surf fr next because it is all i have been doing for a week...i have taken to having works in progress available on a disk so that is something to do, and in effect get paid to work on my own writing...but i am just feeling very lazy this afternoon after such a decadent lunch...
i am going this evening to a lecture/seminar on reiki to see what this woman/healer has going on...i only caught the tail end of an announcement about it on the radio, so i really do not know what to expect...i think it will be worth the time regardless and am quite curious...
what an excellent day to play a little hookey...how fortunate i am to have a job where i have such inherent flexibility...i had 'an appointment' mid-day today, with my self...we went to la madeleine for lunch where i had two fresh slices of bread spread with real butter and strawberry rhubarb jam...that would have been indulgence enough, but no, i had more...i simply love their quiche lorraine...
quiche is a food new to me in the last few years and not something i have often, but this particular blend is so rich and decadent...and affordable!! i also took the time to sit out in the sun and reflect a little and write...it was a fabulous exercise in me-time and one i think i might pursue a little more often...i have never realised before today what a nice energy there is about la madeleine and how it is an excellent choice to go have a snack and do some journaling...and it is only 5 minutes from the house, so it is most convenient...
i then went across the street to barnes and noble to see if they had any holiday cards that jumped out at me...they did not...this is something i need to seek out as the place i got my special cards last year has closed...i want some lovely crafted cards...something artistic...i have a few places in mind to check out over the next week or so and would like to have them by thanksgiving...if nothing else, i will find a suitable box, but i have whittled my list enough that i rather prefer picking cards individually...i am sure i will find something...
lovely morning...a little brisk, but not terribly cold...it is going to be a fabulous day...i thought of having an appointment this afternoon, but that is wasted somewhat when the boss is not here...better to leave when the energy is less pleasant...maybe i will go mid day and have quiche lorraine at la madeleine...of course that would be a good dinner, too...all these decisions plagueing me this early in the morning...it's just not right...
we went for wings last night and i was weak...i had 10,, not the 6 i had budgeted points for...but they were so good...so i was in reality only 7 points over which can be considered from the bank...but then i had a few cookies when i got home too...woe is me...though today is another day...i would like to hit my 10% this week, but if not there will be next week so it's all good...
i love it when the boss is gone for a few days...he has finally left the building and will not be back til friday...it all adds in to the balance i feel...i just had a delicious birdseye chicken soup with rice bringing my points to 5 for the day this far...we are going again for wings this evening and i am determined that i will stay withing my points so i do not want more to eat and am not hungry, but i am going to want something sweet soon...maybe a trip down to the vending machine is in order...i can get a bag of plain m&ms and have 11 of them for just a point more...i will think on it further...
i had planned on seeing Mario Varga Llosa at a reading last night, but an opportunity arose to pick up soome cast off furniture from a coworker who is moving out of state...i was able to look at some pictures she had online and where the furniture was not clear, i could tell it would be worth it to go get it...we have been remodelling for a year now doing all the work ourselves, and in all honesty, the BG has done about 99% of it...walls have been ripped out and moved and doorless doorways opened up wide in an effort to open up as much space as possible...we have held off getting furniture as the space has sort of become the artist's vision and we want to see how that develops and find furniture that will complement it...
i was not thrilled about missing the reading event, but as part of the bargain, we received an oversized chair, very boxy with big soft cushions...it has taken residence in the corner of the bedroom and will be perfect for crawling into for reading...the matching couch has replaced the one we had which we thought or refurbishing eventually as it is a solid frame, but that is now out in the backyard as part of the dog's playland, awaiting thenext bulk trash pickup day...in addition to that we got a dining table which is about 10 feet long with both leaves in...it is set up where our island will eventually go replacing 2 conference room tables which were tres ug-lee...there are 4 coordinating director's chairs which were a perk because the chairs we had hav one at a time crashed and burned...
the piece de resistence...a clothes dryer that is just 2 months old, and a refrigerator that is about a year old...pirate's booty indeed...the washer we have is just a few years old, but the dryer is awaiting a death sentence and is about 15 years old...i am not sure how it has functioned this long...the fridge we have is also ancient and the new one is already up and running...it is a side by side and so similar to the one we were going to buy, the only difference being it is eggshell, not stainless...i am going to see about getting panels for it, maybe, but it is almost too good to be true...
add to the above a few throw pillows and rugs, and you know just how much will fit into a 10 foot u-haul...had we not rescued these things, all would have gone to good will...the goddesses smiled...
the following is a quote from Letters to a Young Novelist by Mario Vargas Llosa:
"The defining characteristic of the literary vocation may be that those who possess it experience the exercise of their craft as its own best reward, much superior to anything they might gain from the fruits of their labors."
my wasband was just online so i im-ed him to try to confirm dates for my youngest son to visit during the holidays...he asked could i wait a minute then subsequently logged iff...fucker...and he wonders why i think he is still an irresponsiblemotherfucker...i just want to get the plane ticket while it is still a decent price...hello...he so easily pisses me off...
the dragon lady enters this morning with the bossman...they are chatting and he pauses to say good morning persephone...she then says good morning to me...i reply good morning bossman...
this plucks my last nerve as if she was not walking with him, she would barely grunt as she walked past me...i decided a while back to have no reply to her when she decides to offer a morning greeting...and especially when the hypocrisy flies simply because she wants the bossman to see her being nice to me...nauseating!!!
i was going to blog this weekend, but there was really not anything that needed to escape...i heard of a call for submissions for an anthology of seafaring women...any stories of the water seemed acceptable so i worked on one and at least have the beginnings of it done...currently it is more about michael, my first boyfriend than it is about life on the water, but i can tweak it around so it is not...might actually work on it today from work...
on saturday i went to get a haircut and did some shopping at jcpenney...when i was working for them, there was often occasion to try on clothes...coughcough...and i got quite confident about how their various brands' sizes worked, most of them truly running small, regardless of how big i might be running...everything i tried on saturday was too big...this was such a delight...i ended up not finding anything because it was all too big...this made me more inclined to go get the ralph lauren sweater i liked at foley's however i managed to restrain myself...
on sunday, paul and i went to the nutcracker market...it is a huge event raising mega $$ for the houston ballet, and i picked up the toffee i like as well as various mustards, sauces, and spreads...all very yummy...and i also got a jar of the amaretto peaches, which i might make holiday margaritas with...in addition to the various food items, i picked up two svelte mermaid ornaments...one is reclining in a bathtub and the other is sort of perched on a shell...they are both fabulous thick-grrl mermaids...i think i might get a stand for one to leave displayed after the tree comes down...
after that i stayed at pauls and we shot the bs for a couple of hours which was very enlightening and fun, too...
now here it is another monday...it was such a delight to have a sunny weekend once again...
i was in such a moment of peace this morning and i blogged about it, see below, only to get an error 103 which is explaiined nowhere on the help pages at blogger...i mailed them and now it is fixed...i am again in the peace zone...and, the post that made me have to sctoll right to use my links has finally archived...it's all good...
i am feeling so very right this morning...everything just so...balanced...i have not felt truly balanced in a long time...maybe i have never felt truly balanced since i cannot remember a distinct occurrence...i have certainly thought all was well before or that i had acheived goals that otherwise might have had me more unbalanced than i was, but balanced is an odd feeling when one is used to there always being something...i suppose it is one thing short in that i am not still home in bed indulging myself under the covers, but even that is ok...
i am so annoyed by people that talk back and forth from office to office like there is not a wall between them...someone needs to explain the concept of using one's inside voice...
it has been a day of intense conversations with a few of my buddies via yahoo im...i like this because it usually spurs me on to some intense bouts of writing...always a good thing...
well today is not off to a good point start...i was thinking about how i totally and consciously blew my points last night, and realized i did not mention the desert indulgence...after the wings extravaganza, we went to brasil, a coffee house we favor...me for the white chocolate cheesecake, consistently the best i have ever had, and the BG for the german chocolate cake...i did not eat the entire piece, stopping when i was satisfid, but i told myself this morning that today is a new day and i am back on track...
wrong...i just had two small sausage and cheese kolaches that one of our vendors brought in...i cannot find the point count for them which means there are none, right?? my best guess is that they are 8-10 points each...likely 10, maybe more...decadent...but they were sooooooo good...
i have decided it is time to make an amalgam of my various web endeavors to better keep track of them in hopes that they are not closed from not being used...i will as time goes on refine the results and purge some crap, but i do not want someone else purging for me due to my own negligence...here is a link to the stuff i will be incorporating into my blog as soon as i figure out how...
last night we went to a wing place with a special of 30 cent wings in orders of 10 or more...the BG ordered spicy garlic and jamaican jerk, both in the medium range, and i knew that they were going to be just a little more on the hot side than i would prefer...i looked up wings before going and learned they are 3 points each...yikes!! so my plan was to have 3 and a salad...had i stuck with the ones the BG ordered that would have been just fine, but no...i was hungry by this point and ordered some teriyaki ones...i figured since we were there with a group, i would have plenty of help eating them...
they were so yummy...i ate 9 of them...and my salad...which means i had 10 total...not a good point day, but hey, today is a new day...of course we had a lot of fun being out with friends so we will likely do it agaiin next week...tuesday night might forever be wing night...
we are meeting the same friends tonight at a posh boy bar that hosts ladies night on the first and third wednesday of the month...at least for happy hour...i think we are meeting there at 630ish and then going on to a lesbian owned restaurant maybe to grab a bite to eat, but they also convert to a club on wednesday nights with a dj who is tres good...perhaps on the agenda if we are not dragging ass at the time, is to pop in and catch some of the grupo fantasma show...we missed it last time they were in town and i really like their music...so maaaaybe....
while on the mail run this afternoon i had occasion to be checking out a woman who i caught from the corner of my eye checking me out...very grrlygrrl and cute...we were both at the counter next to each other...on the other side of her was a woman about 55...very republican/conservative/church-lady...she caught me undeniably checking the sister out so i just raised my eyebrows and nodded to her to confirm her suspicion was correct...heheh...
i got a phone call from the sayan last night to tell me he got to his dad's inone piece...i tried to not be pissed off and engage him in conversation, but all i got was that the trip was long (nearly 48 hours on a greyhound) and he slept a lot of the way...i reminded him to call his grandfather, told him good luck and to stay in touch..."uh, ok..." he replied...i doubt i will hear from him again any time soon...i also decided to just let go all the animosity and hostility i feel toward him at this time and not send an email to his dad about how poorly this was handled all around...it will serve no purpose but to aggravate me more because the sayan is a carbon copy of his dad all the way, and it will be my logic at fault, having nothing at all to do with their shared lack of common sense and social graces...
i called my younger son sunday night and i might have already mentioned this, but i find it curious that a 12 yr old knows/sees how poor the sayan's behavior surrounding this all is as well as it just being "mean"...he thought i was kidding about the whole situation...
i find myself settling nnicely into my newfound peace...
we have a sales rep who has been with this company forever and has the bulk of accounts for one of our mags...he simply refuses to use email...he is a fax man...this is such a pain in my ass...email is here to stay, though he would beg to disagree...and will he ever retire???hell no...
i slept so very soundly last night...i think the night before as well...i have actually gotten rest tha past two days and this morning i have the most hellacious bags under my eyes...i am in the more sleep phase of my pattern and it should either be over or last another day or so...usually it is 2 days of 8 hours, but every once in a while i have a 10 hour spurt, though i have not seen one of those for about 6 months...i find it odd that 4-5 hours is the preferred norm for my self to function at peak...this means a serious writing phase is coming because in a day or so i will be into the 4-5 hour phase...i wish it was as easy to track as the moon...
November is here and i made it through september and october without a sever downturn which is an improvement over the past 7 years...i thought this would be the case as may was also less fraught with mood and gloom...this is all in relation to when i miscarried...that was in may of 95, and at the time i was pretty functional...the full force of the depression and despair hit in september 95 when i should have had a new baby in my arms...and it got worse and worse through november and even into december, though i think by the beginning of december i was beginning to regain some control...
so this year in may, i was able to actually journal about how i felt through the whole process, and a mood hovered, but not the swing into depression...that did not surface and manipulate my days...so here it is november and i am not consumed with thoughts of how my life would be different if there was a 7 yr old grrlygrrl running around...this is progress of the highest caliber...perhaps 7 is my lucky number...i had 7 good years with my wasband too so there might be something to that...
one of the grrls in my ww meeting brought in a box from a new product called hearty spoonfuls...at least i think that is what it is called and i am too lazy to go look at the box...they are soups that are a little more chunky and flavorful than thecanned variety and they are by birdseye and in the freezer section...the chicken noodle and chicken and rice as well as the minnestrone are all quite tasty and only 3 points each!!
monday morning once again...i had set a goal for myself to document the characters in my great lesbian novel this weekend, but did not get that done...so it is now the new writing goal for this week...i want to create a file for each character so i do not confuse myself later on when i am further into the book...i did manage to jot down a little more of an outline of sorts for where the characters are going, but i need to treat it as a class maybe and get more disciplined about doing the work...
same with my spanish studies...i am not yet ready to do something more formal, but i would like to get to that point by january...then maybe do a leisure learning class and see how that goes...i want conversiing ease...to be able to think in spanish as i can in french once i am into the groove of it...i need to remind myself that that took some time...
the boss man was supposed to be out golfing today, but due to the rain, that has been cancelled and he is here, so i suppose i should get some work done...the sayan should be somewhere between nyc and upstate by now...
the BG has guilted her son into letting us use his cd system out here in the library as ours stopped functioning properly...so she just hooked it up and is testing it with a holiday cd...this is a good way to encourage my holiday so-easily-going-overboardedness...
tgif...no kidding...i am going home for lunch today which i normally do not do, though i live just 10 minutes from work...i have agreed to meet the sayan to get his cash so i can deposit it and then use my debit card online to get him a ticket for tomorrow to fly away to a new life with his newly found dad...not that he had been searching for him, because i have known all along where he is...gonna try to get him a cheapie on priceline...
i was rather harsh with the sayan last night in his own obtuse style, but the message got through, i think...i asked him how he was getting his ticket...
the sayan: well, i thought i was giving you the money and you were getting it online
me: well, you told me you were working and the $$ have to be in my bank before 2...
the sayan: oh, well how are we going to do that?
me: well, i thought you would have everything all figured out because you are in such a hurry to get the hell out of here that you seem to have all he answers...so let me know when you have this answer too, if that is not too much for you..
so i then proceeded to cut his hair and as he was sweeping up he asked if i could come home at lunch today to get the money...i think he was afraid to speak...ummm...i am still your mother, boy!!
