Life is not always fair. Or logical. Or pretty and nice.
This is my personal outlet for emotions that might otherwise be unleashed in an inappropriate manner.
Let it be known that "the BG" is my girlfriend whom I adore...the BabeGoddess, regardless of what I might be bitching about at any given moment within the walls of my blog.
"People can keep a journal to record their life, their thoughts, their happiness, the events of their families,
etc. They can also keep a journal of creative observations, their hopes, their ideas and dreams, as Leonardo da Vinci
did. He always had a notebook hanging from his belt to record his observations. I have one constantly in my
pocket and on my night table. We must be the source of good ideas and dreams for a better world. We are part of
evolution." -- ROBERT MULLER
"The defining characteristic of the literary vocation may be that those who
possess it experience the exercise of their craft as its own best reward, much superior to anything they might gain
from the fruits of their labors." from Letters to a Young Novelist by Mario Vargas Llosa
"The irony of life is not that you cannot forget but that you can." --Gertrude Atherton, 'Can Women Be Gentlemen'
Sunday, March 30, 2003
so friday was a blur of activity...as pearl suggested, at 3 pm i heard the now ex-bossman in on his typewriter and somehow i just new it was my dismissal letter he was typing...i was a bit surprised that it was not sent in email, as that has been his preferred method of uncomfortable-let's-avoid-confrontation communication...he had sent the dragon lady's editor friend home early and told the dragon lady to remain in her office until i left, and then at 3:15 he brought the letter to me and put it on my desk telling me it would be my last day at oildom...The letter says it has been pleasant working with me, but this change is necessary...i think that sort of clinches my eligibility for unemployment compensation, and i will be there to apply first thing monday morning...
i can't imagine what my reaction would have been if we had no idea this was coming...
well, i have made it to lunch time...less than 4 hours to go to see if i am still employed...then it will be a day to day wait for a couple of weeks and if i survive that, it will become the countdown to me leaving of my own free will...all the while getting stuff...into its proper order...
what exactly is the proper order for stuff? I really have no idea...debts paid, insurance and dr issues handled, some appointments i should have taken care of before any upheaval...i am already in a good place mentally...beyond any of this, i just do not know...
it feels this morning like it could be my last day here...my friend pearl says that 3pm will be the witching hour...i suppose it is just the energy of anticipation and wishful thinking...but i would still prefer to be leaving on my terms when i choose to which would be june or july...regardless, it's all good...
i have been in a busy whirlwind lately trying to organize my thoughts for the april edition of Emerald Pillows...it is barely beginning to gel mentally, but i have faith in my process...
not much new otherwise, which might be a good thing...not really sure...
this place is so exhausting...and i am not killing myself with work...perhaps if i was given more to do i would be less tired...and there is still the possibility that i might get handed some walking papers...too many little things to ignore the possibility...a friend suggested perhaps i will be told at the end of the day friday, and another suggested perhaps my replacement has to give 2 week notice with her current place and i might just not be informed until she can replace me...of course that is presuming there is a replacement in the works...so much drama over pure speculation...
if nothing else, i have gotten some office spring cleaning done...
i was feeling an urge for something light and asian, so i ordered some steamed pork dumplings from a place down the road...as usual, they were tres yum., but i got a pleasant confirmation in my fortune cookie..."all the troubles you have will pass away very quickly"...
it is odd how skewed your perseption can be if what you think is going on, *is* really going on...of course, if it *is* really going on, then your perception is not skewed at all...
there were some odd occurances around the office yesterday which made a lot of other seemingly nondescript occurences add up to the possibility that i am soon to get the boot...would that be an entirely bad thing? absolutely not...it would likely be the fire under my butt i need to get me in a more pleasant work environment...
the BG and i usually leave aground 4...i stayed til 430 because i was late monday morning because of a dr appt and i wanted to make up the time...the BG stayed also, because she was wanting to finish what she was working on and she was here until 5 or so...around that time, she heard the dragon lady in the conference room with someone...the room is right next to her office...as she was wondering who she was talking to, the bossman came down and peeked into her office, not to ask her anything, but seemingly to make sure she was gone for the day...of course, as it happened, she was not gone for the day and he turned around and closed the conference room door on his way by...saying nothing to the BG in the process...
when the BG left, she saw that the dragon lady(the dl) was interviewing someone...someone who looked very secretary-ish...it is interesting to me how all this unfolds, the spin it now puts on everything, such as the dl coming in and saying an all-too-happy good morning to me when normally it is all she can do to grunt as she passes my desk...i can't say i am at all surprised, if i am to be replaced, at the level of immaturity involved with office politics...why not just say to me that my lack of skills is not working out, and that we will be looking for a replacement...it just makes no sense to me...
i have the fallbacl of going back to jc penney, and i think the salon mgr there will be delighted to have me back on any terms, and also i would be working with paul again...a good thing all around, if it can happen a little later, say july, rather than sooner...
i have been experiencing a different type of boredom at work lately and i do not think working somewhere else will be the answer...i am not really sure if it is just an ambiguity, or if i am just no longer invested in a need to remain here...leaving, however and whenever it occurs, has to be on good terms as long as the BG is still employed here...the atmosphere is pleasant enough, but i resent the need to transact with such a bunch of hypocrites...they are both subtly and blatantly so...i have been contenting myself with just doing my own thing and getting my work done while filling in time doing stuff for me...i suppose if i could get on paper some sort of more tangible production schedule for EP, that would help...an EP to-so list would make things a little more...je ne sais quoi...
i just heard a college educated editor say the words "would you just shut up..."...i just cannot stand it...it is so unnecessary...she said it in a joking manner to someone who was teasing her about something, but it is just one of those little pet peeves that make me cringe...add to that the office politics going on around me constantly and it is a nauseating atmosphere...good thing i do not actually have to work hard as well...i would have a meltdown for sure...
my legs are a little better today...on saturday i troweled concrete a good couple of hours...we worked at a liesurely pace and had a couple hour lunch break due to rain, but yesterday i was walking around like i had a lobster burn...the back of my thighs were just soo stiff...i found that if i sat at my desk and kept my feet flat on the floor whhile slowly rolling my chair backward, i could get a subtle stretch that did not kill me...that stretch feels good today...today it is enough better that i can roll my chair back 6-8 inches rather than 2...and walking is not terribly uncomfortable, just getting up from a seated position...
i have lately been wondering if i should go back to work for sharon, at jc penney...she would be thrilled to have me and would give me just about anything i asked for...it is such a mixed bag of crap...i feel a draw to go back to work for her, yet i am equally wary of it...maybe i should have the BG ask the cards...she might freak at the suggestion of me going back there...and deep down while i know it is an option, i am pretty sure it is not the answer...
not too much else going on...planning is underway for sasfest iin May so my first trip to new orleans is going to happen...woohoo...but before that is a weekend in dallas for a family wedding...ought to be interesting...and of course saturday is family bbq day this week...sigh...
monday morninng back to work...the BG got home last night shortly after midnight and i think sawyer actually thought she would be taking him for a walk...of course i was in a deep enough sleep she may have and i missed that part...her trip was a success, they had fun, blahx3...
this morning i awoke and my thighs are so tight from doing the concrete trowling squat for a good part of the day on saturday...yowie...i am just moving really slowly...i had to go back by the doc's this morning to have my tb test read, and that got me here a little later than normal...which in turn caused me to park higher in the garage, which gave me extra steps to come down...wah...wah...wah...
not mush work t do today, so i can at least take it easy here, like that is ever negotiable anyway...
the BG has been gone since thursday and Sawyer, the dog, has just reached the point where he thinks we live alone...he is her dog...our dog in the sense that we were together 4 years when she got him, but she is his alpha and i am normally chopped liver...not really, but sorta...
when the BG goes away, he first gets very sullen and will not come to bed at night...he has a big floor pillow next to the bed and is allowed on the bed, but when she is gone, the first night he is always out in the front room...sleeping, maybe, at least waiting and sighing, on the carpet by the door, waiting to hear her car in the driveway, to see the lights that shine in through he window as she parks...he does no bone chewing the first day or so either...i have seen this happen on each instance that she is gone overnight...
the second day he mopes around the house in a disgusted how-dare-she-leave-me-home-with-her manner...still no bone chewing...oh, and toward the end of the second day he will nibble his food...the second and third day then blend together with sawyer getting progressively more appreciative of my presence...if challenged, he recognizes that i am second dog, not him, but left unchallenged, when the BG is home, he likes to think this is not so...by the end of day three, he is eating normally, even catching up on what he neglected in previous days...he is more playful, and has stopped looking out the window for his real mother...he will even come sit in the bedroom with me while i am on my laptop and then at night, he will come to bed when i turn in..
this is the first occasion for us to have a day 4...this morning sawyer has been absolutely adoring of my presence in his life...as i awoke this morning, he was laying right in my face as he does each morning to the BG...just patiently waiting for me to wake up, knowing i was in the process...as soon as my eyes opened, he crept closer and sniffed my chin and then he kssed me...sawyer is not a kissing dog, other than giving his mother a small good morning kiss on occasion...now while i have been sitting here, he wants attention...he has been all up on me in his best i-was-a-cat-once intrusiveness...up on one side of the chair and around the back over to the other side of the chair...rubbing against me and wanting pets...he then went outside and brought one of his outside toys in, wwhich means he wants to play...that toy outsideonce again, he has settled on the bed across from me and is making a home of his other mother's spot, which is what he does if i am still online when the BG goes to bed, only he usualy does this in my spot and growls at me when i have the nerve to disturb him...
of course, the BG will be home tonight after midnight...i have no illusions that sawyer will maintain his current facade of loyalty toward me...he will come to bed tonight and snuggle in for the night...then around midnight, he will hear a car in the driveway and go running to the front room...he will sit and wait patiently on the carpet, knnowing that his real mother has come back to him...i will once again be chopped liver, not really, but sorta...
i thought i might have something to say...just back from going to the rhythm room for another gogirlsevent...since the BG is in nyc for the weekend, i asked my friend beth to join me and told her it was up to her whether it was just her or her and her gf...her gf ended up going to a free symphony performance...i think this is the first time in a long while that we have gone out without at least one of our spouses or a third person...it was nice to just chat and vent...though beth did most all of the venting...both of us decided an early night was called for because we have stuff planned for morning, but i do not think we thought we would be out as late as we were...it was fun and we saw the first 2 acts, the first being a little twangy, but decent enough...the second was actually quite good...madalyn, the gogirls founder, offered a calendaqr page for the webpage free...nice deal...i will let the BG know because it will be less space for us to use on the ep site and they have a nice and easy to use program...
i was mindful this afternoon of how nicw it is on occasion, to be home alone knowing that noone is going to be disturbing you...just nice...that is in no way a complaint or criticism of not being home alone!!!
do not expect a lyrical greeting just because you are calling a representative of the Gay Men's Chorus of Houston...i should clarify that i did not get a poor greeting, just not something stereotypically gay and chorus-like...i had to call them because my darling paul and i are going to a performance tomorrow night and tickets have yet to arrive...of course, logic dictates that i will go home to find them in the mailbox...the concert will be my reward after slaving away over the messiness of concrete all morning...
the BG's sister and i are going to try to fill in and level the back patio as a surprise for her return late sunday...i am sure i have already mentioned this here...maybe...i was out after work yesterday and i raked up the debris that has been collecting in this area...3 full bags...more work just in that than i would have liked for the entire ordeal...i thought we were going to have use of the sister's pressure washer to wash away the dirt too, but it is broken...i will get the hose on it this afternoon and see what happens...
while i was raking crud last night, i noticed that there are some bricks which are raised and might present some trouble as they are solidly attached...everything else is a depression where once there was a water feature...i will let the sister-in-law decide what to do with the offending bricks as her determination to remove them might be pretty formidable...i will look at them again this evening a little more closely...part of me says resurface the entire patio, but that is really too big a task...also, we are planning to deck over it in a year or so, so this is just an intermediate prettying up of the back yard space...also while working out there yesterday i potted some pepper and tomato plants i bought last week...the dog was thinking something was very wrong with his picture...i am not the work-in-the-yard-and-play-with-him mommy...
after work yesterday, i went home, stapled the last of the breast cancer ribbons onto Emerald Pillows and then sat and read some more of my current book, Accidental Murder by Claire McNab...this is the 14th book with detective inspector carol ashton...i have read, of course, the previous 13, and 11, 12, and 13, in particular in the last week or so...number 14 is the first, i think, with bella books, and i am not sure if that is why i am less impressed, or if it is the editor who is slacking, or the author herself...this book has an extraordinary amount of typos, including omitted words, wrong tenses, etc...as a writer, as well as a reader, i find this poor level of production somewhat disconcerting...not sure what to do about it, but i will consider it further and perhaps go to the bella site and send them an email...
After reading, while waitiing for the BG to finish mowing the yard, i got ready to go to Meteor for the women's networking happy hour...i saw a few friends there, and met some new women in my capacity as editor/publisher/writer/producer of EP...we passed out issues and i schmoozed a little, then a bunch of us went on to Bocado's...bocado's is a lesbian owned mexican restaurant and on wednesday nights they push back the tables and have a dj in for a grrl party...we went to eat, and i passed out more copies of EP...there was a group of about 10 of us and it was good conversation and some more getting to know you...really it was the kind of socializing i have been yearning for since i moved here...it was quite pleasant all around...
the BG was anxious to leave a little sooner than i, but she had to get up early this morning to go to nyc for spring break with her son...they will be there athrough the weekend and home late sunday...while she is gone i will be doing some patio concrete repair/resurfacing as a surprise...i wanted to paint it too while she was gone, but the concrete needs 7 days to cure, so painting will have to happen in a week or so...the BG's sister is bringing over the power washer and will help...also i am going to a gogirlsevent with beth and irina and on saturday to see the gay mens chorus of houston at the wortham...nice event theater...i think on sunday i will go to brunch somewhere...or just slugg at home...
EP was delivered last night to the lgbt community center, and to chances, a local lesbian bar...can you believe the bartender had to ask if they could be put out? needless to say, i only left about 10...i was a bit put off by their attitude, and i may not bring issues there in the future...the bartender herself was nice enough about it and certainly wanted her own copy to take home...lesbian news, for the lesbian community, in a lesbian bar...seems like a natural progression to me...
anyway, it will go tonight to meteor for the woman's happy hour and pass copies out, and maybe drop by another lesbian bar we know of, or go to bocado's which is a lesbian owned mexican restaurant that clears its floor on wednesday nights for dancing and a dj...not that many copies left to pass out, with the remaining going to gogirls music on friday night...i have next to nothing to do today...so i need to motivate myself to work on the april issue...
i got an email yesterday from the editor of the local lgbt magazine saying he saw EP and congratulations, and that he would like to do a feature on us in the May issue...i think that means we are nearly famous...woohoo...
last night after work i sat down to staple the rest of the first issue of Emerald Pillows and attach the breast cancer ribbon...i got all of them stapled, and ribbons on 75 of them...we then went to eatzi's for soup and delivered issues to lobo, a local glbt bookstore, and then to two coffee houses that have room for flyers and local publications, cafe artiste and brasil...we will do the same this evening, going to a few other places...
I have begun again to let my mind wander toward other possible employment scenarios...it is difficult to wrap it around making considerably less money, even though i am well aware that i will not be paying out much toward debt...i figure i will let my mind wander away and eventually, as i have come to trust, i will still end up wherever it is i am supposed to be...i also factor in that not working means not traditionally working...i would be working more on writing and EP so there is dividend potential on that end as well...too much to continue considering today...
On another note, it looks as if the BG and i will be attending the lgbt writer's fest in new orleans in may...woohoo...i cannot even go into my excitement about this right now...
here i am, another monday at work...this is so not the place to be...i got Emerald Pillows put together last night, and after work today i will staple it and add the pink ribbons and production for the first issue will officially be done...of course, it is already time to be doing this for the next issue...woohoo...
i would really prefer to get it to where we can have it printed, so that means we need advertisers...i am going to work on a sales letter today to send out with the first issue to a few places...
other than that it seems business as usual today...yawn...
this morning we were up rather early for all of our late evening activity...i was awake at 7...not just stirring/having to pee/go back to bed...a w a k e...when we finally got up, i made some rishi chai tea...making it from scratch is a little different as it is unsweetened, but i added a tbs of brown sugar and it was delightful...once the tea was done, i cooked up some pancakes and we had a lovely breakfast...i think we are soon heading in to work to finish our print run...
last night we went to the kindred spirits reunion dance...kindred spirits was a lesbian bar in houston back in the 80s...it was an event to enjoy with a group of friends, and we have decided that if it is at all possible, my bestest should come visit for next year's event and we should go with beth and irina and paul, and whoever else...it is held at a convention center, so it is a smoke free event, and the energy of the room was awesome...there were a couple of hundred people there and ages ranged from 2 something to 70something, perhaps even older...the majority of the crowd seemed over 30...it was an excellent lesbian mix and there were also some gay men in attendance...
we had woorked most of the day trying to get Emerald Pillows done to take with us...we decided on a sampling of 50 copies and we ended up leaving the house around 930...the event was 8-1 and the BG was tired as she worked about 3 hours longer than i had, so we decided we were not staying too late...once there, we saw marion, who had comped our tickets, and carol, who is organizing the single olympics, as well as women from the lesbian health initiative and the doc who will be contributing to EP. i went over and introduced myself to the doc, and we talked about her involvement and she seems eager to proceed...as we were leaving she was looking over the premiere issue and nodding her head...
pat, one of the lhi women, was so excited to hear we had brought some, she ran right up to the door to get extra copies to start passingout to her friends who were there...she is easily in her 60s and her enthusiasm is intoxicating...
i had not eaten sice lunch time, so my 3 beers were also intoxicating on top of the rush of excitement at having the 'zine done and the grrl energy of the event...umm...none of that was wasted once we got home...ahem...
i am going to do a feature on the event for the April issue as promised in exchange for our tickets being comped...i told marion i would contact her to get some background information on kindred spirits, last year's event, the charities this was for, and anything that might be in the works already for next year's event...i am curios as to the amount raised...it definitely seemed a success...
hard to believe i am here at work this morning...not sure why that is...my mind knows it is friday, but my body is suggesting it might already be saturday...i did nothing consciously this morning, now that i am aware of that...but i am here, dressed, clean, hair done, teeth brushed...i need to write one more thing for EP this mornning and then i think we are going to begin printing and folding, perhaps this evening...likely not til tomorrow afternoon...i am thinking i will save 5 minimum archive issues...i was going to save 3, and at times i wonder why save any, but i know it should be done...i am thinking of getting some wooden magazine storage boxes and maybe collaging them...then there is something artful on the shelf...still not sure about it...
sometimes people just breeze by my desk so rudely...i think i will consciously stop saying good morning to them for a while and see how long it takes them to start saying good morning to me...except the boss man, unless i am on the phone he always says good morning...i will switch back to not saying anything unless someone says good morning to me first...
i really need my body and mind to catch up to each other...maybe a cup of black currant tea is in order...
i left work today at one because i had an appointment...while i was out i first went by saks to return a sweater that ran when i washed it according to label directions...no hassle return...gotta like that...then i went to pick up the tickets for the dance on saturday night...after that i went to cafe artiste and did some work on Emerald Pillows stuff...if all goes as pseudo planned, we will have copies in hand tomorrow night or saturday afternoon...woo...we have some tweaking to do tonight and then we have to do a final edit on a hard copy...i also updated some final rumi class notes...the class continues through the end of this month, but i had to let something go or risk my sanity, so i dropped out half way through...i should be able to update the rumi link on the left this evening...
i think it's official...the year's first mailer from hell, which actually wasn't. by the way, is now considered my first major fuck-up...which given the fact that i have been here now 2 years and came in totally without experience as an administrative manager, i think is really not that bad...no whistles went off...no alarm bells dinging...the dragon lady just came and informed me that in about 1000 pieces of the mailing, i neglected to include a page...half the mailing or more is generic and gets a 4 page multifold form and a letter...the other half gets a directed form printed with that company's listing and then the same first page of the multi fold...the first page is what was neglected...our conversation went something like this...
DL: did you realize you neglected to include this page in the mailer?
ME: I have never seen that page...
DL: it is the same cover as the generic...
ME: i realize what it is...do you recall me asking you while i was folding the directed form to confirm for me that it is just the form and the letter?
(pause for consideration)
DL: maaaaybe...but i assumed you were aware of the other cover form...
ME: ahh...i suppose that would be your error...
I then turned around and went back to my work leaving her standing there...it is overall not a huge incident as i have a pdf available when people call about it...maybe i will cut her some slack and screen her calls a little to weed out these callers...maybe...
i could not get into blogger this morning so the following entry was typed in word...annoying as it might be, i am not going back through it to decapitalize everything...
It is official…I am the proud new owner of four bras size 40dd…woohoo…and I saved $25 in the process…so this morning, I quite ceremoniously threw out four old worn and stretched less than supportive, and too big for my smaller self bras…what a delight it was…I realized that the four I was purging were ones I had when I moved here, which makes them a minimum of 5 years old…why is it we women find it so hard to keep are bras in serviceable condition….these 4 in particular have been long past their prime…of the other remaining bras I have three, I think, that are still 44dd and useable until I can get a few more newer, smaller bras, as well as the more recently added 42dd…I will likely rotate the 5 “good” bras and save the others for emergency use only…about my bra acquisition…finding 40dd is much more difficult than finding 44dd…I was forced to buy 2 of my 4 new bras in standard white…don’t like it…
The same thing happened a couple of months back with my panties…I went to Costco and got a 6 pack of hanes her way in a smaller size because 20 pounds does indeed make a difference…I am however much better about replacing panties before they wear out…when you are a thick grrl, panties and bras are more expensive, and while I can appreciate that more fabric is required, c’mon, it is blatant size discrimination…the panties I prefer are also from lane Bryant…I think even when I am at my goal weight I will prefer their panties and bras, and I will still be in their size range…but I think they are about 12 bucks a pair…for basic cotton (not granny) panties…printed and colored fabric, yes, but 12 bucks!!! Anyway, the hanes panties from Costco were just 9.99…much nicer on the budget, even if they are plain white…I figured common sense dictates this because as I am getting smaller I will need to replace them more often…especially going into summer…nothing worse than chafed thighs because your panties are just a little to big…I think I need to go get another 6 pack, because the remaining lb panties are falling into the just a little less than snug realm…I suppose rather than buy more I can perhaps resurrect a few select pair of the t-backs…woo…
All these thoughts of bras and panties and now I am supposed to be able to work? Not likely…
Yesterday afternoon on a whim I wrote to the sponsor of a fundraiser dance that is happening on Saturday night…it is called the kindred spirits reunion dance…it is the second annual…from what I have been able to discern, kindred spirits was a lesbian bar in Houston back in the day and was quite popular…so this dance will be disco and 80s dance music…my favorite eras all in one night…I think it will be an exciting event and I have a list of people I need to meet on behalf of Emerald Pillows…I knew that there would be perks that came with publishing a ’zine for the lesbian community, but I did not think they would flow freely so soon…the dance is a fundraiser for 3 local charities and the BG and I really wanted to go, but it is $20 in advance or $25 at the door…I think that is reasonable for a fundraiser, but since EP is all coming out of pocket, and having heard late about the dance, it was just not in the budget…I emailed (ah the point of this interlude) the contact person on a whim and suggested a 2 for 1 admission in lieu of a write up on the event and the organization in the next issue of EP…the reply stated that they would be happy to comp us a pair of tickets…I am so delighted…I have an appointment this afternoon to pick up the tickets!! woohoo…
i had a humongoid raspberry pecan muffin for brunch today...and also, just had my pringles/salty fix...i have a banana in the fridge that i am saving for around 2 oclock...advanced nutrition at its best...woo...
i went to bed rather early for me last night and i had a feeling it would be a mistake...rather than the usual 30-45 minutes early for work, i was an hour late...so i suppose i should stay til 5 today, but i will reserve judgement of that til later...the BG has taken a sick day today and i suppose that is the downside of working together...we can't really take sick days together...sigh...i am feeling somewhat restless today...
well the great bra bonanza will have to wait until tomorrow...i forgot to print the coupon at work and as far as i know, our home printer is not the most cooperative at the moment...i suppose the lasson of the past week is to not plan to do anything on the way home...
nope, they are still there...some were just missing...but i republished...they just do not want to kick over to monthly...not that big a deal really...yet...
i had something to say this morning, went t o my mail first, and tadaaa...it's gone...after work today i am going on an adventure...it is time to get some new bras...oh, the joy of it...i bought one after i had lost about 15 pounds because i was starting to notice less support from te bras i had...when i think about it, not only had i lost some weight, but the bras had lost some elasticity...i had not bought any new ones for maybe 3 or 4 years...the dreaded lane bryant has a style i like that is all fabric, cottony sports bra-ish fabric and no underwires...they really give good support, so i am hoping to get some of those...i was asking the BG her opinion on what size to get...i have been wearing 44dd since the birth of my second child, now 12...even though i have lost weight in the past, my chest has stayed pretty much the same...the bra i bought a few months ago was a 42dd and i could fasten it easily enough...this morning i noticed that i am hooking it on the smallest fitting...the BG and i then went into the all-time greatest morning conversation...
ME: well what do you think?
the BG: about what?
ME: about this bra...
the BG: what about it? it is such a lovely lavendar...oooh, you have such perky breasts in that bra...mmmmm...
ME: no, silly...this is the 42...the 44s are all too big...so i am getting new bras this afternon before my LB coupon expires...
the BG: sounds like a plan...
ME: but how does this one look in back...do you think if i go down to a 40 i will have fat over-riding the straps in back?
the BG: i think it would be ok...
ME: you're such a help...what about the cup size, do you think i should try a d?
the BG: do you know hhow much difference that is? do you want to have fat pouring over on the front side?
ME: umm...no...
the BG: then keep the double d...you can always exchange them if you try them on and they are not right...
ummm...i think avoiding having to go back was the whole reason for the question in the first place...isn't this kind of thing supposed to be a side perk of being lesbian?
pancakes were sooooo good...and the blueberry sausage...you might think that they would be super sweet, but the blueberry is rather tart on it's own...and once it has been grilled and mingled with the sausage, it is just a flavor party going on in your mouth...our next family gathering might include breakfast foods for lunch/dinner...that will be so wrong to some of them...
i hae been taking this evening to compile some of my calendar items in one place...while surfing around to gather the info, i discovered annie lennox will be here next month at jones hall...tickets are 75 and 85...and there are just too many other things i want to do to spend that much money...i am going to think real hard oon how i might get a press invite on behalf of EP, so if anyone out there knows how this is done, pleasepleaseplease email me and let me know where to begin...
well the archives are now again on the page so that got rid of the nastiness, but i still want them to be less of the column and eventually might be ambitious enouugh to see if i can rework the code to get them on their own page...so i have currently set them to no archive as suggested to me by my code tweaking mentor, and i will later try to switch them to monthly...
just another manic monday...well, not manic, i suppose, but it feels weird...the BG has an appointment with the doc this morning and is home shaving her legs...yippee...i would rather be there myself, leg shaving or not...it was such a gorgeous weekend...we even ate dinner last night out on the patio, which needs some serious work if we are to better appreciate time out there...the deck and hot tub will likely not go in for at least another year, and i think if we get some more plants in and get some vegetables going in some containers, it would be just a little more pleasant...we should have kept the table we had at one of our previous apartments, though in our last apt there was not room for it...a coat of paint on the concrete patio would go a long way toward prettying up the place, too...perhaps i will make that a project for the weekend the BG is in nyc...i can consult with her sister who i am sure will come help...might even get agressive in leveling out the back corner, too...hmmm...it will be after EP comes out, so i will not feel as if i have to work on that, though i will have to do some work for the next issue...i will have to talk to k and see what she thinks...
EP is looking pretty good...i need to do some calendar work and a small paragraph on a couple of events...also have to write up something about the lesbian health initiative which will likely be facts from their brochure...it will fit nicely on the health page which i used this month to compile facts about breast cancer...that reminds me that i also need to pick up pink ribbon today as i want to include a pink ribbon with each issue...the doc who will be doing the health column just lost a friend, at 40, to breast cancer...that is why i did the health column...i am pleased with hhow it came out, and i want her to see we support her at this difficult time...i am going to try to see her when i deliver her a few copies , though i need to see her professionally anyway, so maybe that will all coincide...
not too much going on at work today, so i will co-opt some of the time to compile my calendar of events...i think i might even search to see what other info i can find, or at least look at my source sites to see what might have been added...more later...
i was going to go by circuit city on the way home and i ended up in the turning lane when i needed not to turn...i figured that meant i was not supposed to deal with it at that time...the BG and i went to pappasito's for dinner and went after that...i was really expecting resistance in part because the guy who sold it to me was such a jerk...the counter person called the manager for me and he was very helpful...he went to the display model and exchanged the power cord with mine...he then told me be sure to come see him if i have further difficulty...he then commented on my look of relief...i took that opportunity to tell him what a sexist condescending ass the salesman was...he had a brief flash of horror cross his face and demanded my receipt so he would be able to talk to this person...i told him he was at a different store, and he went and photocopied the receipt so he would be able to take care of it...woohoo...that was a nice added bonus...
after that i came home and did some work on features for Emerald Pillows...today I need to do some more finishing up on stuff and by the end of the weekend, i want to have the domain registerd and the webpage in progress, of course that implies i will have full cooperation from the art director (the BG), which i will because we are sorta on the same page with this endeavor...i was glad when i received a zine in the mail that i was published in and we agreed that EP will definitely be more polished...we bought light grey stock for the inside pages, and red card stock for the cover...we decided on 300 first run premier copies, and if we feel the need to do a second printing we will...anyone reading this wanting to receive a copy can email me at emeraldpillows at yahoo dot com (making the appropriate changes, of course)...i am feeling particularly good about the progress we are making, and hopeful that the community support will be there...
77degrees it is now and i get to leave in about 20 minutes...i am so ready for the weekend...i think the retreat last weekend was so busy that my body thinks it has not had a break...i suppose this is true of sorts...i am going to go hit circuit city on the way home rather than go in the morning and then in the morning i am going to try to sleep in and slugg, though when i try, it never really happens...weekends lately have been pretty much the same routine wise with my body getting up regular time...so i am still thinking margaritas mid afternoon while the family is gathering...they might go a long way toward disrupting the norm...
what a fabulous upturn we have had today in our weather...it is currently 67 degrees, after a week or so of hovering in the 40s...i so did not want to come back to work for the afternoon...i was going to take my laptop in to see about getting a new power cord, but i think i will do that later...maybe on the way home, and maybe tomorrow...i do not think i should be having issues after just 3 weeks...
hopefully, they will be so inclined to agree with me...
i have gotten some work done on EP, so the day has been pretty productive...time for play...
i wish i could describe fully how i am feeling this morning...on the verge of something wonderful begins to describe the general feeling i have had the past few weeks, but this morning it is something more acute than that...there is a sense of mpre deliberateness...if that is even a word, i would be surprised...
something in the way the BG recently told me she loved me was sort of a click in my consciousness...we say it all the time...multiple times daily...and we do indeed always mean it...but every once in a while, it means so much more...those moments are so very surreal...they stay with me and carry over into everything else i am doing...it is a reinfusion of sorts...and i like it...
also very surreal was an email i received yesterday...i had sent an email to inquire further about Saints and Sinners: An Alternative Literary Festival for the GLBT Community, Their Friends, and all Readers and Writers, May 9-11, 2003 • New Orleans, Louisiana ...when i saw the information about this event i felt very strongly it was something i want to attend...there are many authors i like represented, but my 2 favorite lesbian authors would be there conducting seminars and readings...and it is less than 5 hours away...the trouble, if you can call it that, is that we have plans to go to new orleans in july...it is merely a matter of can we juggle the dates around to suit this new timeframe...
so anyway, i sent this email to the contact person from the lesbian writer's list i am on to ask if i was understanding the fee structure (i was)...the reply was from jm redmann...omigod...i was ready to hyperventilate...i have an appreciation for lesbian literature in general that is very nondiscriminating...i like to read all of it i can get my hands on, and anyone who has seen my library knows this is no exaggeration (my page is grossly neglected at the moment too, at least 50 additions i need to make)...of course, that is not the same as saying i think it is all quality writing...jm redmann is one of my favorites, and i feel her work is the best crafted and well written of all i have read this far...
since receiving her personal email to me, i have been bouncing back and forth from being sort of star struck, to realizing that i am on a writer's list with her, to omigod that means she has read my work...to her also being a "normal" person...talk about needing to detatch...(she wrote to me!!!)...
i have even been throwing around the idea of going for the day if that is all i can manage...the BG seems open to moving our weekend plans to that weekend, it remains a matter of can we afford to go then...i also need to see if the BG's sister can go then too...it would mean getting there on thursday rather than friday so we would all need to consider this...of course we can leave right after work on thursday too...i am convincing myself more and more...
tweaking here and there all day long made me feel like i was getting nothing done at work...in review, now that the work day is nearly at its close, it has been a productive day...lots of piddly crap is now off my desk...and my blog is looking better as well...
after work there is a definite agenda...EP definitely needs some major attention...i have a feature to write as well as a lot of side bar type stuff to get it shaped up...i also need to pass along some content to the BG so she can start doing her thing...and i need to email the astrologer to ask for her contribution...
in addition to that, i told the BG's son he could have a hair cut today after work/school, and the BG, if she has any sense in the midst of her sikness fog, will be waiting in line behind him as she is also past due...i will urge her to be ready...i am thinking it is not a new er tonight, so there shall be no distractions from making EP progress...right...
ok...so i tweaked a little more...the archives are at least on a separate page and working...what the extra text is from i do not know, but i think i am at my tweaking end...
well anyway...everything seems to be working properly, but i am missing something in getting the comments to work again...will have to await one whose thing it is to discover these problems...when she has a moment for it, i will have comments again, unless i discover it myself...no hurry...i am just glad it is working better and the new template feels right...oh, i also need to get my archives to republish as monthly...i reset the preference, but it is not listening...but...it's all good...
finally the boss has left for his conference...funny how the morning drags on when you know he is leaving...i thought he would be gone by 11...
also, i just called and dropped out of my rumi class...i felt i could not give it the time it deserved...i am still very interested in rumi, and i will still write in reponse to him, but the newsletter is something that is generating a chunk of social energy for me to deal with...and quite frankly, something i would rather deal with...i need to create a better sense of organization around newsletter obligations...
i feel so much more relaxed having released myself from the class, even though i enjoyed it greatly...
i might need to go pick a new template...i am not sure what is going on and if it is a temporary thing or what...i updated the weight loss figures and they are not updating on the page, however, when i go back to the template, the changes are there...i have refreshed and republished, but no change...also, the error message does not show up, i just see the part of it that is the more info link and that takes me to the troubleshooting page...not a terribly large concern, but mildly frustrating...
tuesday morning already...i do not know where time goes...but it does...i have to get my ass disciplined over the course of this next week because i have set myself a deadline for Emerald Pillows of the 15th of the month...that is creeping up faster than i would like so it is time to kick it, me, into gear...there is a meeting tonight of the lesbian health initiative that i really must go to...it is at 7 and i know vaguely where it is, so i will go, at least for the first hour...i am not sure how long they meet, and i will judge my time commitment after the first hour of meeting...i also have to give rumi some time today as class is tomorrow night...sigh...
i have done so much purging over the last few years so i would have time for things important to me...and here i am not doing terribly many, but feeling like i haven't the time necessary to give each what they deserve...i am barely brushing the surface of the rumi material, but getting enough of a hook, that i know i will have curiosities for a long time to come...same is true of this past weekend's events...i would like to be able to fully flesh out the connections made there, but how does one do that when tere seems to be no time...and here i just committed to lunch this weekend with the family...
i think that EP will begin taking the priority, which is why i have to go to this meeting tonight...i also want to volunteer with the organization to further install my presence and the contact to something vital...how does one become an activist and still maintain balance? i suppose that is the crossroads at which i find myself...
what a weekend...2 solid days of emotional discharge in a group of 13...i think i was the only one who had no demon to free...perhaps i would be corrected to realize my demon is just that much more burried, and i did not allow it up, but i truly believe i have exorcised any major baggage already...i felt like more of a witness to the process, yet still a vital part of it...i am writing more on the weekend offline, and will perhaps share here, perhaps not...respecting the privacy of the others involved is a key component, so anything further that i share will have to be carefully restricted to my experience with this...
the BG was sick while i was away and i feel badly about that, but i think it was good for both of us to have some time to ourselves in a personal way and not coming from one of us needing space...i am not sure if i just explained that well or not, but it was beneficial all around...she is going to nyc with her son in a couple of weeks for the weekend so we will have it again sooner, rather than later...
i was a little put off toward the end when we were exchanging personal contact info...the facilitatior discouracged this or cautioned us in that we would not be equiped to deal with things that could arise because we would be lacking the professional, her...i felt like she greatly underestimated us as individuals and took on presumptions about what we could or even would want from continuong a relationship, whether as a group or as individuals...it seemed very much a contradiction to part of the message of the weekend...i suppose i shall include this in the post weekend evaluation feedback...it certainly feels good to voice that here...
a lot of what the weekend did, was to show me that this job, as iin this space i am in in my life, just does not matter...one of the articipants left the corporate world several years ago and says he is better for it...but there was then also a reference to so much debt...to me that is not, for me, a good trade off...it offered me a perspective for consideration, and has led me to rethink the conditions i use to reevaluate staying/leaving my current employment...i can be detatched enough from it, in a beneficial way, so that it really does not matter where i work...i think there is some rom for creative scheduling...i am thinking oerhaps working a later day in the cooler months and an earlier day in the warmer months...sort of like my own version of daylight savings time...i will have to give it greater thought...
all in all, it was both a draining and recharging sort of weekend...i am glad i was not there in the presence of anyone close to me...that definitely would have altered my personal dynamic...
