Life is not always fair. Or logical. Or pretty and nice.
This is my personal outlet for emotions that might otherwise be unleashed in an inappropriate manner.
Let it be known that "the BG" is my girlfriend whom I adore...the BabeGoddess, regardless of what I might be bitching about at any given moment within the walls of my blog.
"People can keep a journal to record their life, their thoughts, their happiness, the events of their families,
etc. They can also keep a journal of creative observations, their hopes, their ideas and dreams, as Leonardo da Vinci
did. He always had a notebook hanging from his belt to record his observations. I have one constantly in my
pocket and on my night table. We must be the source of good ideas and dreams for a better world. We are part of
evolution." -- ROBERT MULLER
"The defining characteristic of the literary vocation may be that those who
possess it experience the exercise of their craft as its own best reward, much superior to anything they might gain
from the fruits of their labors." from Letters to a Young Novelist by Mario Vargas Llosa
"The irony of life is not that you cannot forget but that you can." --Gertrude Atherton, 'Can Women Be Gentlemen'
Wednesday, April 30, 2003
yea...seems my unemployment case has been decided and i am eligible to receive benefits...the first three weeks i was unemployed i was not paid for because i received pay in lieu of notice, but the check is in the mail for the fourth week and my now bi-monthly filing will be in some sort of groove...the challenge now will be to fit my bills around about half what i was making...i suppose the thing that will make this work is that my car is paid for in june so that then opens things up a little...until then, however, it will be ight finances...i need to see when my consolidation is paid in full...i know it is soon, but not sure exactly when...that is the one bill that is directly taken from my checking account so the real challenge is to be dead certain the money for it is there on the 15th of the month...everything else gets to be juggled around it...yippee...
i have been a good grrl and changed my link to jadedju to reflect her new address...if you link her, please do the same and she might send you kisses or something!!
what is it about plain old elbow macaroni with a pat of butter and some salt and pepper...i made burgers on the grill for dinner for the BG and i and with them i fried up a potato i found in the fridge...also, we had some mixed field greens...i really should have gone to the store today, but once i thought about it, we are going to both be out for dinner tuesday and wednesday, most anything i bought fresh would not be by the time we ate it...
anyway, i had not eaten much else during the day so i was still hungry...the choice was macaroni or oatmeal and i was just not feeling like something sweet...
well, we went to the new flea market yesterday...it is billed as houston's largest and i imagine that is in terms of square footage, not in terms of all the stalls being full...it was a mixed bag and we enjoyed walking around, but it was certainly not a real flea market in my estimation...the only purchase we made was two 2 inch buddha figurines...both on money bags as it turned out for financial luck...one is a jade green color and one is a burnt orange color...we also saw a woman with some tea pots we liked, but we opted to wait on those...there were 2 salon stalls, too, highly illegal, but enterprising regardles of their legality...and there were a few vendors with yu-gi-oh cards, so maybe we will take the boy next time, though at 14, i think he might rapidly shift out of having that particular interest...
no peanut roaster...no converse allstars...no pork roll or salami...no aunt dorothy...sigh...
i just picked up the journal i was using before i began this blog...not much interesting stuff going on, but the last entry was about my miscarriage and i know there is an entry here about it as well...perhaps it is also time to work on a cohesive oiece to lay that to rest...the anniversary rolls around again next month...
i have recently been working on a piece for an anthology about growing up poor or working class and there is a lot there begging to be written...it might even obscure the anthology piece but it feels like it is writing itself...i need to find a way to channel it all effectively...effectively for me not the anthology piece...i need to get a grip on what exactly it is i am trying to say and a feel for who, if anyone, might want to hear/read it...and maybe the answer is just write it, they will come...
it is a glorious day today...currently only 75 degrees...i know that yesterday it eventually hit 90 and i think today will be much the same...maybe i will go see if the new flea market i have read about is real...i try to have no expectations around this because i have a history that includes the grandmama of all flea markets, englishtown, nj...nothing can ever compare and this i know...of course the englishtown of today is a far cry from the one i knew 30 years ago...leaving the house at 5:30 in the morning if i was lucky enough for my daddy to take me along, and going later in the day with my mom if not...waiting patiently while they browsed the seeming endless acres never looking for anything in particular...finally getting to the inside fresh peanut vendor and waiting for some peanuts fresh from the roaster...seeing my aunt dorothy at work in the same inside building and wondering if it was time for her to pass me a new handbag from her selection of stock...the older i got, the nicer the bag...going around the corner to get some taylor pork roll, or a hebrew national salami, there was always one hanging on the cupboard door at home...and again patiently waiting for the vendor to slip me a few mini salamis, strung together like sausages...on days when i needed new sneakers, i could choose from a selection of converse allstars...canvas high tops and i always wanted red or black...i wonder if they still make those...certainly not for eight bucks a pair...this is the flea market i want to go to...
just back from the airport...my son is on his way back to his father...i need to detox and i am not sure how to help that along...he is so potent with his father's energy and i am terribly saddened by that...it makes me feel as if i have failed him as a mother, and i am powerless to do anything about it...time to go sulk...
yesterday, i had my son blatantly lie to me...i thought he and i had an understanding that telling the truth is the most important thing...he and the BG's son went and egged a neighbor's house...the woman came down and asked and he not only denied it, but he blamed another neighbor boy...i was so disappointed when i learned the truth...i cancelled dave and buster's, withdrew tv priveleges, and told him the only thing he could be doing the next 2 days would be reading his book...i then made him tell his father, which he could not do so i ended up telling him...then he and i got into it and i ended up hanging up on him...i can honestly say i hate that man...he had no clue that the lie was the issue and no clue that it was so much an issue because of all the lies he told me...i will not be speaking to his father for a long while to come, and i really thought we were past all that...i think this afternoon i will lighten up on my son because i found out afterwards that the BG's son recently did this at his dad's house and i am pretty sure this was his idea...does not excuse my son doing it, but it does lessen the situation...i am however more concerned with the lie anyway...i think maybe we will go take some pics and try to shake it all off...
yesterday on the way to yoga i had to drive through a hail storm...that was my first experience with hail, and all i can say was i felt like a piece of popping corn...i really got an earful of what it sounds like on the inside of a corn popper...the hail was gumball size...
it is a bit of a dreary day here in houston today...i am going to go to yoga and maybe the haze will have burned off by then...then i will zip home and collect my son and we will finally go off to lunch as we have been hoping to all week...still need to go by saks and pay the bill, as well as circuit city...i think we will do both of those on the way to lunch...i also need to run to target to get tablets for cleaning my contacts...i tried to do that when we went earlier this week, but they were out, so i need to try a different store...what a glorious plan for the day...
so it appears it was not blogger having difficulty, but rather some weird mojo sort of stuff going on with my laptop settings...i think it might be fixed now, but i will have to wait and see how it goes...
I just got an update call from my unemployment case lady...she said she finally got a call back from my ex boss-man and he told her I had been given 4 weeks severance, it was 3...which was not a problem because I explained to her where the claim form said even if you were continued on as paid you use the last day you worked....but then when you call in to update, it is different and I was supposed to include that maybe...also, I told her I thought it was vacation pay I was due and not severance...we shall see about that and how it plays out...could be I am approved but not paid for the weeks I got severance...that will be a stretch on the finances, but I decided we will nt be going to new orleans, so it will still work out, might just be uncomfortable for a few weeks...he also told her the reason I was let go was unsatisfactory job performance and that I was informed repeatedly about this, which was an outright lie...I need to let the BG knw, but at the same time, I do not want this to inflame her and make for a nastier work environment than she already has...I think I will wait to see what the decision is and then tell her...
yoga is more work as each week passes...i am still liking it very much and this is exactly the teacher i am supposed to be with...after class i feel incredibly balanced and ready...of course i still need to determine ready for what, exactly...today, the only to do i have is to go pay the saks bill...then my son and i are going to go to lunch and just hang out at whatever cafe we choose...my son will be reading his book report book, and i will be working on a piece i want to submit for an anthology...it is about growing up poor or working class...i have had the call for a couple of months now it seems, but i have not been inspired until now and the deadline is fast approaching...if that piece is not emerging, perhaps i will be able to work on something for EP...the restaurant review or maybe a new feature...i do not have an idea for one yet, but perhaps something ill materialize...or perhaps a version of what i am working on for the anthology...
i think i actually managed to get all my errands done...i got to the bank, post office, fax place, target, and even lowes...feels like i might have forgotten something, but i have no idea what...i also discovered when i restarted my laptop, that the fax set-up does work, but it can not dial out while i am logged in to the internet as it needs that phone line...duh...perhaps i need to read the directions to see what other features i might be missing out on...
i am going to get started on some writing i have neglected for a while...see what comes of it all...i also have a new to do list so i need to get organized and take advantage of this free time...
yesterday was easter...i know that only because it was the day my son chose to fly for his spring break visit...i suppose that easter being of no notice is pretty much in line with th passing of christianity out of my life...it is, afterall, a religious holiday...we had no fuss...no huge dinner celebration to prepare...it was just another day and we had a grocery store roast chicken for dinner with leftovers from saturday's monthly family day bbq...when we went to the store for groceries, we bought a bag of peanut butter eggs for the boys to share...that was the extent of the easter candy...
my son arrived right at 11 am...i met him at the airport and thought it was interesting that my bra beeped when i went through security...that has never happened before and it made me wonder if the screening device is more sensitive now...i got to the airport half an hour early, had to wait in line to get a security pass to meet his flight, and then had to wait for a female attendant for a personal screening at security for beeping...that in combination with his flight arriving 10 minutes early all made for perfect timong and i met him just as he was exiting the plane...i thought he might have been just a little taller, but i did jjust see him at xmas...he told me last night he wants to get his hair cut...it has not been cut in a year and a half and he wears it in braids...when he was here at xmas time, he wore it down for a few days and has a shoulder wide afro...
i have been round and round with his father about letting him cut it off if thatis what he wants...the last time we went around about it i thought he understood my point of it being a way to respect his ability to make decisions and be his own person...he is 12 now and aware of the time it takes to grow his hair out again for braiding...so we will go see marcus and he will get his head virtually shaved again...he knows he will be in ht water with his dad when he returns on saturday...but to me him knowing this and still wanting to do it means he has been thinking about it long enough and is ready...
i can tell by how he is acting he wants to stay with me again...when he went home for the summer to his father's last may, he was to be coming back here for the school year and he asked if he could stay there for school to be with his friends...i told him he needed to know that whatever choice he made, he would be in that school system for the duration...i explained to him that his brother switched schools almost every year after 7th grade, and that i thought that was part of the reason he failed grade 11 and quit school...he understood that all, and made the decision to stay with his dad for school...i think it will be time for him to see some consequences...
other than him visiting this week, not much else is different...i still have not heard a final decision on my unemployment case, but it is likely to be decided in my favor and i will know something definite by friday...i could be a little free-er with spending right now if i knew for sure it was approved, but really i would not be spending much more because i want to still be able to attendsasfest in new orleans...common sense is beginning to weigh on my decision...
today i have some piddly crap to do...i need to go by lowes and pay my bill and i might pick up the rest of the quickrete needed to finish the project in the back yard...should need 4 bags more and it would give us something to do...also need to run by target and get some contact stuff, go to the post office to mail some Emerald Pilllows issues, and then to kinko's to fax a paper to the unemployment claims person...
there is a dead squirrel in the attick...it is just the loveliest of odors when the air conditioner is on and right now it is 89 degrees...i need me some a/c...we are waiting until bed time to knock it on and will burn some incense or something to combat the foulness...i imagine we will be blessed with the foul stench for about a week or so...charming...i think i need to get on the BG's butt to block up the holes where the lovelies gain access before another nesting season hits...
well, i was going to go to a yoga class in the park this morning, but i am just not feeling like it...not feeling like much of anything at the moment...also raining...blech...
sitting here tonight wondering why now that i have all the time in the world to write, i have little to say...i think i am beyond the tv surf zone...there is so little to watch...how is it that on90someodd channels there s nothing on? i suppose if there was an 'all fucking all the time' channel, i might find something to entertain me...mmmlisa marie on howard stern...i suppose that should be all i need to tell me her new cd is not worthy...all publicity is not good publicity...going on his show is the epitome of classless...do i think he is funny? at times yes, and i have even on occasion thought he was sexy...but even howard has lost his appeal...i will stay tuned in for the glimpse here and there of robin, his producer, but the show is depressing raunch most of the time, competing with jerry springer for worst show...
and a promo for anna nicole...i just need to turn the tv off i think and only turn it on for my selected viewing...nypd blue, er, alias, and general hospital...though gh might be on its way out thedoor...
i do not think i have had a wired babble like this going on in a long while...ping...ping...pa-ping...
and a second half hour of howard with kid rock...i think it is time for bed...or a book...something...anything...
i am taking the day to sort of regroup and get my to do list in order...that is real work, you know?
anyway, here i am sitting down to watch days of our lives...total unadulterated crap...i cannot believe that i used to watch this religiously...i have to pronounce it low brow...yet another show that is just not worthy of my time...really it is not even worthy of this mini rant...i suppose it is another indication of my newfound snobbery towards all things low brow...it is not that i am so far removed from it myself, but i have seen a decline in things i used to take deliberate time for...not a decline in my current predilections, but a decline in what i used to focus on...as far as soaps go i used to think it was a vastly misunderstood genre...currently i still can appreciate general hospital, but beyond that one surviving show, i have little patience left for the genre...i fear my patience for gh will wane further as well...not at all a bad thing, but i do umm...like the show still today...
i am so unmotivated to get my ass moving this morning...i have to go get a dba for emerald pillows...i suppose that is my only major to do today, but i think it might just get bumped to tomorrow...if i stay home, however i think i will be working on getting my books in better order and maybe setting up functional shelf space for ongoing ep stuff...organizational...
yesterday i read chicken by paula martinac...it was ok...good enough to keep reading...and then finish...one thing i plan to do with the books is weed out any i have not read and shelve them separately so i can just grab one and read...might get some read/sun time in as well...galveston is calling too, but not today...maybe wednesday...
yesterday was rather productive...i managed to 'actively' look for work...woohoo...and not get any...as martha would say...it's a good thing...
mucho to do today...i have to first call my wasband and get on his ass about not sending me stuff to register/renew his vehicle which i possess...expired in february...driving it with my fingers crossed...then it is off to yoga class for an hour and a half that leaves me feeling extraordinary...after that, directly to beth's to do some hair cuts...then tonight is the grand opening of a lesbian owned mexican/cuban fusion restaurant...they are having a live salsa band so it should be fun...think i might work a nap in somewhere this afternoon...
i really do not like waking from an unsettling bizarro dream...in this dream i went back to langley afb, i suppose with my husband...we went back for a short enough time that it was like a vacation, like going home from texas for a break, though i did not have work to go back to...while there i went to visit my beauty school teacher because while i was on base i saw a woman who i thought was lisa, a beauty school classmate of mine and she thought it would be fun to go visit her...
i say unsettling because i have not even seen my *EX* husband in at least 6 years...he has never lived with me here in texas...he was never visible in my dream, but he is the only perspn i can imagine with whom i was going back to langley, in an official capacity...i suppose all the war crap going on has perhaps instigated that aspect of the dream...
equally unsettling was sseeing lisa at langley, in virginia, as she still lives in upstate ny where I am from and where i went to beauty school...the idea that she would be there just casually, and be doing haircuts and have a familiarity with all my ex's coworkers, some identifiable in the dream, is just bizarre...also that i have not seen nor heard from her in 20 years...bizarro...and then that we could just casually go visit mrs. phebus...at the beauty school which is 12 hours away in new york...and would she still be teaching? not at all likely...only in a dream...
damn...it's 43 degrees this morning...we here in the south are supposed to be past that cold crap...criminal...i think i decided today for sure that yes, we will still go to sasfest...i have been wavering on it because of the new finance situation, me being unemployed...i still have to wait to know my unemployment $$ have kicked in, but we will be going definitely...who am i trying to convince?
i just learned of an event in austin the end of may called lady fest...i got an email from my teacher liz who i did the gynomite class with and she is looking for some readers...maybe i will do some new erotica for the occasion...hmmm...go see what it is all about...
i took a slugg day yesterday to detox from the trip and am feeling mostly better today...i indulged in a few too many peanuts and they are sitting in my stomache like a ton of bricks...making me feel bloaty and crampy...ewwwww...it was enough to keep me out of yoga this morning though i did manage to do a mini session on my own...off today to pull ep together...oh, and somewhere in the midst of that chaos, i need to "actively look" for work...
wow...5 days have passed since i have blogged...i must be ill...nope...on friday morning, the BG and i waited for her dad to get here, then we went to pick up her son and we drove to her sister's where she had a rented van waiting and she and her son's stuff already packed...from there we went to the big d for the BG's cusin's wedding...4 hours in the car listening to a bitter old man hack away his lung was so pleasant...we stopped at ihop for a late breakfast in huntsville and of course sat in the smoking section so papu could work on his lung a little more...i think at some point i might start sitting alone in non-smoking when we are having these joy-filled family moments...it would not be so bad but he is the most inconsiderate smoker i know, not that i know a lot of smokers, but any others i have been around are much more courteous...like stepping away from the car to smoke and closing the door so the smoke does not come right in...or maybe exhaling before getting back into the car...or keeping the ashtray far away from the other people at the table, all non-smokers...
anyway, in spite of his rude ways, it was still a pleasant trip...the sister stayed with a college friend a few miles away, and when she came back for the wedding, she had left her 2 yr old with her friend so she could have some fun...the BG and i shared a room with her son, 14, which was fine, and papu had his own smoker's room which was also fine...on friday night we went to the marina to "Charlie's" for the (non)rehearsal dinner/pre-wedding celebration...was a party on the dock sort of affair annd lots of fun...there was another paio-o-dykes there to which was encouraging...i think we were there until about 1030 or so...just a few beers...maybe 6 or so...we went back to the hotel, and the BG's son and i had seen the sign for internet connection available so we did not care that the BG and papu were heading to the bar around the way...
we got back to the room and while i was taking my contacts out, the boy was hooking up his laptop...webtv was also available, so i figured i could check mail and surf from that...i suddenly heard an impassioned "fuck, it's not working" from the boy...i went over and read the card on the desk and asked him if he had his ethernet card with him and he said no, that he leaves it at home because it only works there and not at our house where he uses his cables to hook up...so you need the card to get on the internet...he was bummed, but we had brought some dvds along...i do not have a card, so i did not bother trying to hook up, and was pretty tired anyway so went to bed...i think the BG got in friday night around 130 or so...
when i got up on saturday morniing, all i wanted was a chai tea from starbucks...in houston, we are pretty spoiled in that we are never terribly far from a starbucks...in some areas there are locations across the street from each other...some malls even have multiple locations...in our travels the day before to pick up the boy's tux (he was an usher), i had seen a barnes and noble, but no starbucks...of the b abd ns that we frequent in houston, one has republic of tea's writer's chai, which absolutely sucks, and the other has the tazo chai which is available at a regular starbucks...of course this b and n has the sucky chai...before we ordered i asked if there was a real starbucks nearby and the waiter boy gave me the exasperated sigh telling me "right across the street?"...
we got our chai and then headed to the store to get some donuts and chocolate milk for the boy...when we weturned to the hotel, we met up woth papu in the lobby and he suggested lunch over at the bar they were at the night before, so we took the boy his stuff, and headed over...at lunch began saturday's marathon drinking...since i knew there was a bus taking us to the wedding and back, i knew none of us would be driving...also, though, i knew it would be a marathon sort of drinking day, so i decided to forgo the margaritas and drank bud light...i lost count sometime after the cake had been served about 8 pm, and after a few, ummm...jello shooters, but then i was at a16 i think...after we got back to the hotel, the party went back over to humperdink's and we drank until they kicked us out at 2 am, or suddenly 3 am because of the time change...i have to estimate i drank close to a case of beer...i rarely drink much of anything lately, so papu mentioned he was impressed by my quantity consumed vs my still reserved controlled manner...i decided to not explain the difference between he and i being that i just do not get drunk in the same was that he, an alcoholic does...of course, he would not have remembered it if i had...i might on occasion get a slight buzz, but i usually then moderate my drinkng to appreciate that...as much as i drank on saturday, i just never got that feeling...
on sunday we had to check out at noon...i had received a call from the sister on my cell at about 8 which made us stir...i got up and went to the bathroom, but we all then went back to sleep...gotta love drawn heavy hotel drapes...i woke up finally at 1030 and decided i needed to get our collective asses in gear...i jumped in the shower and dressed and then promptly opened the drapes, much to the dismay of my roomies...once i said it was 11, the BG got right up and while she was in the shower i began to police the room and pack...
the ride home was much the same as the ride there...we stopped for gas as we left the hotel and papu asked for a beer...that particular chevron, while having a minimart, did not sell beer...poor papu...we went on down the road about an hour or so and stopped at another gas chevron type place...we were in a dry county...poor papu...we got to centerville, halfway between dallas and houston, and stopped at the obligatory halfwat dairy queen...there is a bbq joint next door which papu went into, but since they do not sell beer, i can only presume that centerville is also dry...poor papu...we stopped near the sister's house to top off the gas tank, and i think her county does not sell beer on sunday...a comedy at this point...
once the BG and i were home and papu had left we were just unwinding a little...after an hour or so we decided we might be just a little hungry so we opted for papasito's as it is close by...we shared a del mar platter and drank, ummm...water!! then we went over to b and n for a cup of tea and some magazine reading...all is finally back to normal...
wow...i have not posted in a few days...i suppose not punching a clock will do that to ya...on monday i wennt to taco milagro for lunch with my friend paul...we had a liesurely lunch with beers on the patio in about 73 degree sunny weather...it was simply divine...we then went to the chocolate bar...gay owned, everything handmade chocolates...i had a pecan milk chocolate bar which is small, about 2 bites, and a milk chocolate covered, white chocolate drizzled doublestuff oreo...omigod...nothing else will ever again come close for the moment when a severe chocolate craving hits...that one oreo did about a year's worth of therapy for purging nasty oildom work energy...we then went to michael's outpost, think middleaged gay boy version of cheer's...the bartender remembered my drink and my name, and we sat and had a few...
let me back up to the weekend...on saturday i went and saw mimi for a pedicure and went to te beauty supply store to get some miscellaneous hair products...then it was time for our second monthly family day where we bbq some fod and gather and drink beer and just chill...the sister in law brought the nephew and the father in law came and we discussed our plans for the trip to the big d for the cousin's wedding this weekend...we had a pork loin roast, some bbq pork ribs, grilled portabello and some tortelini with pesto...oh, and green beans...yumm...
on sunday, the BG and I were judges for the first annual lesbian single olympics...it was a glorious day out in the park surrounded by lesbians...lots of fun...
yesterday, paul and i again went to lunch, this time to baba yega...it is a local gay place that has been there forever and has a heavy vegetarian though not only veg. menu...then we went shopping to anthropologie for some incense and over to williams sonoma where i still had 400 bucks worth of gift certificate...i got some russian tea and sweet tangy mustard for the BG, a grill pan for doing small stuff on the grill, salt mill, pepper mill, tea strainer...a wusthof 6 inch chef's knife...some other misc. crap...and i still have 200 left...it is always nice to shop on free money...
Today i am going to go catch up sharon, my old boss at jcp, on the latest goings on and my tentative plan of taking a few months off to write if unemployment kicks in and coming back to work for her mid summer or so, but sooner if unemployment does not kick in...i should know something on that by next week...
now i need to get my ass in gear and get the april issue of Emerald Pillows ready...lots of stuff at various stages of doneness...this could be a challenge as the BG is in a funk about still working at that place and the bossman has been nasty via email...challenges face her in staying there...
